Monthly Archives: July 2004

March of Progress Scott Birdseye

The March of Progress: July 2004

Scienticians Create Cybernetic Tractor

tractorg

The Agr0Farm TRACTORG® and the
unwillingly abducted person who now
acts as the tractor’s control system.

The countless unexplained disappearances throughout the State of Montsylvania have finally been explained. It seems that AgroFarm, a subsidiary of Daniel Bester Inc., has been abducting countless people and using these unwilling souls as components in their new class of cyborg-controlled tractors.

TRACTORG®, the new line of tractors, freatures human brains which act as control units for the state-of-the-art tilling equipment. In the construction of TRACTORG® models, innocent people are kidnapped off the street or from their homes, then taken to the AgroFarm production facility where they are assimilated.

The painful and horrific process of assimilation involves the amputation of unnecessary limbs, the implantation of interface nodes inot the cictim’s brain, and the eradication of all personality. While the subjects remain aware of the their surroundings, and while they are no doubt capable of feeling great pain and suffereing at their loss of individuality, the people are no longer capable of expressing such things, and thus these emotions are of no consequence to the farmers and agriculturalists who utilize the TRACTORG® technology.

An AgroFarm spokesman reported that while thousands upon thousands of innocent people are suffering horrors beyond comprehension, it is well worth it, because the TRACTORG® models are nearly six percent more efficient than non-cyborg controlled farming equipment.

While the victims’ families have attempted to file a civil suit against AgroFarm’s parent company Daniel Bester Inc., the suit has been dismissed by Circuit Court Judge James Thorax, who by a mere coincidence is also Honorary Vice-President of AgroFarm.

Be sure to check out the whole line of TRACTORG® models when they officially premier at the World Tractor Fair, being held next July at the Actria Falls, Elizabethia Civics Center.

Ideal Tractor

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

How to Do It: July 2004

With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt

LeMuel LeBratt is an autodidact who began teaching himself how to do it at the age of thirty-five. LeMuel continues his unparalleled excellence in all fields of learning.

Special permanent guest columnist Marcia Spatzelberg invented the autogiro and bathyscaphe in her early teens and has gone on to great work at the AgroFarm R&D centre in Oaksville, EL.

This issue we shall teach you how to construct and run your very own self-storing tractor. Self-storing tractors are not in popular use yet, but they have a growing future on the horizon.

With a self-storing tractor you can maintain your tractor’s exterior, making environmental wear and tear almost negligible. With steady cleaning and maintenance of the parts and attachments, you can augment your tractor in a fashion that will enable it to last a life-time. You’ll also be able to store tools, gardening supplies and small barnyard animals in your self-storing tractor.

To begin, you’ll need these parts: 1 tractor (we use the Zebit DRZ-277 series tractor carriage. With a little work, you can use any tractor), 3 one gallon drums of AgroFarm Timberlac Wood Varnish, 9 wooden poles (6’’ wide and 12’ tall), 52 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 12’ long), 36 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 8’ long), 30 wooden dowels (2’’ wide and 2’ long), 30 metal clamps to fit with dowels, 36’’ of plastic strip (2’’ wide), assorted nails, 1 drill, 1 acetylene torch, 2 acetylene tanks (full), welding mask, small crane or pulley system.

First, you must build the shed. This should take no more than a day for one person to build, with the occasional help from a good friend or toadie. Once the shed is built, make sure to use the dowels and metal clamps to attach the shed to the tractor with welding joints. Attach plastic stripping to either side of the shed. Make sure to leave space in the shed walls so that you can see where you’re going. There you have it, your very own self-storing tractor!

Ads Scott Birdseye

A Message from AgroFarm

AgroFarm Technologies LtD. is the world’s leading agricultural technology company. For over thirty years we have been instrumental in providing many of the new advances which have led to the “Third Age of Farming.”

AgroFarm was the first company to introduce the use of gamma radiation as an alternative to poisonous DDT (dichloro-diphenyl-trichloro-ethane) insecticides. We were also the first company to recognize the fact that sharks are rarely attacked by insects and utilize this information to begin a program of splicing nurse shark DNA with apple trees. This, of course, is only the first step into the future world of animal-plant genetic engineering which will bring abundant food to the world’s growing population in the form of AgroFarm engineered Planimals™.

AgroFarm’s innovations are not found only in the realm of genetic engineering or nuclear physics. AgroFarm utilizes all advanced technologies; such as our experiments in neuro-cybernetics which have enabled us to create the first tractors controlled by human slave brains. AgroFarm’s nanotechnology lab was also the first to develop true nano-tillers for microscopic farming (microculture).

AgroFarm is the future. Whether you’re planning orbiting hydroponics greenhouse satellites, subaquatic abyssal vent farms, or simply planting some tomatoes in your garden, you can be certain that AgroFarm scientists have invented a new and expensive product to help you in your endeavor.

AgroFarm hopes you enjoy our many thousands of innovative products; from simple things for the sustenance farmer like pneumatic hoes, biodegradable roto-tillers, irradiated seeds, and Haybestos® (the world’s only fire-proof hay) to state-of-the-art systems for major agricultural combines such as sub-orbital maser-focused harvesters, bovine cloning vats, and the highly profitable series of Designer-Animals® made from chicken, pig, cow or marmoset genomes.

Yes, without a doubt, AgroFarm is the future. Welcome aboard our Tractor of Progress™.

AgroFarm is a Daniel Bester Inc. Company

Scott Birdseye

A Histronomy Essay

The Story of the Modern
Steam-Powered Tractor

Dr. Scott Birdseye is Vice-Treasurer of the
Royal Tractor Repair and Maintenance Society
of Belgio-Luxemburg. He was recently awarded
the Nobel Prize in Nanolinguistics.

Among the AgroFarm™ Museum’s historic collections is Daniel Bester, Inc.’s Daniel Bester steam traction engine. At the time the steam traction engine was devised, Daniel Bester, Inc. was known as Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd.

The Daniel Bester Steam Traction Co. was the first subsidiary of the company (later to become AgroFarm™ in 1967), which was spun off in 1962 to latch onto what company insiders believed was a resurgent technology, steam power.

The steam traction engine was originally used by the Kalisotta Mining Consortium to haul protesters from the nascent eco-terrorist movement off the premises of KMC mines and logging interests. KMC, now a Daniel Bester, Inc. subsidiary, placed an initial order for 20 of the machines.

The steam traction engine boasted impressive specifications for such a device. Rated at 110 horsepower, the machine masses 19 tons, stands 18’8” inches tall, has side-by-side operations stations and nodes for 16 different attachments.

Unfortunately, the erroneous assumption that steam power was on its way back sidelined the project, subsequently forcing other steam power contracts to be cancelled. In addition to the approximately 2000 orders placed for the steam traction engine (no doubt pushed by Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd. lobbyists and salesmen), plans were going forward with the U.S. Navy for a prototype CVE (escort carrier) model and steam bullet trains for the Elizabethia metroplex. Talks with NASA for contracts in steam powered space exploration were also cancelled.

The last surviving model of the “Best” was given to the historic collections in 1983, and restored by renowned farm implement specialist Moriarty Jones. Today, the Daniel Bester, Inc. steam traction engine is housed at the Daniel Bester, Inc. Historic Collections Farm Mockup in Katharinetowne, West Dakota.

A dedicated group of historic collections recruits and Daniel Bester, Inc. Community Service Crews maintain and operate the Daniel Bester, Inc. steam traction engine. The public is invited to see this magnificent machine in operation on several days during the year.

The steam tractor is scheduled to be fired up on alternate Wednesdays in June, every other Thursday in July and sunny days in August. The Daniel Bester, Inc. Historic Collections can be contacted by showing up in person at 34 Bester Expanse Katharinetowne, WD between the hours of 9 AM and 1PM on Fridays.

News of the World Scott Birdseye

News of the World: July 2005

Eight Persons Consumed
in Deadly Tractor Fire!

victims

Helmutsboro, WD- In what has become a startling trend across this great land, eight more lives were claimed Tuesday night by the Herkison “Semiglide Model V” Tractor-Mulcher. Although Imbecile Party Presidential Candidate and Self-Proclaimed “Product Safety Guru” Ralph Nader described the Semiglide Model V as “A fully dangerous piece of farming equipment which is unsafe at an measurable velocity,” the tractor remains popular amongst farmers due to its many spacious cup holders and its bucket seats, which can sit up to ten average sized adults.

Montsylvania College of Technology Design Arts Physics Professor Dr. Stephen Hocking claimed that Mr. Nader’s comments are unfounded as there is no way to measure both the velocity and position of the tractor simultaneously. “In fact,” added Hocking “the very act of measuring the tractor changes the very nature of the tractor, so there is no way to accurately measure it. Therefore, how does one ever determine a safe ‘measurable velocity’ of the Semiglide, or of any tractor or riding mulcher for that matter?”

Though Hocking’s defense of the tractor is scientifically accurate, this is of little consolation to the families of the Semiglide’s latest victims, the eight souls claimed Tuesday night when a Semiglide Model V belonging to Helmutsboro agriculturalist Tommy Thalmudge spontaneously burst into flames. Even though the victims attempted to escape, witnesses described that they died horrible, agonizing deaths in the flaming tractorous hell pit. The tendency of the Semiglide Model V to burst into flames without warning is attributed to the location of the main hydrogen bladder, which is directly adjacent to the tractor’s spark plug ignition mechanism. When the tractor’s engine is engaged, it is possible for rouge sparks from the ignition to contact the hydrogen bladder and cause spontaneous combustion, resulting in a massive fire which immediately consumes the tractor and all its unfortunate occupants.

In our exclusive interview, Mr. Nader questioned the very reasoning behind putting a hydrogen bladder on a tractor at all. “Why” he asks “Did the designers put a hydrogen bladder on a tractor? There is no reason to have it there at all, it doesn’t facilitate farming or tilling at all, in fact, the cumbersome bladder seems to get in the way of tilling actually. And, since hydrogen is highly flammable, it seems strange that the designers would include an unnecessary hazard that actually limited the capabilities of the machine. This is evidence of a very poor design.”

A spokesman for the Herkson Traction Company stated that while the company felt the pain of the victims’ families, the operating guide distributed with every tractor clearly states that there is a danger of combustion if the tractor is ever used for any reason. “These deaths are unfortunate” stated Herkson spokesman Tad Mailing “but to hold the company legally responsible for these deaths is absurd. The customers knew what they were doing, the danger is clearly stated in the owner’s manual, furthermore, not adhering to the manual not only voids the warranty, but also prohibits any legal action against the company.”

No matter who happens to be correct, it is a very sad day for Helmutsboro, and for all farmers and tractor fanciers everywhere.