Letters: Fabuly 2006

Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Editors,
Recently there has been a bit of controversy concerning the attack on Pearl Harbor. This dastardly sneak attack by Japanese forces left much of the US surface fleet in tatters. Many have tried to blame Admiral Kimmel or even Roosevelt himself. This is silly. The plain fact of the matter is that, due to the presence of the International Date Line, the Japanese actually attacked on December 8th, 1941, while the US sailors and soldiers were still enjoying December 7th. There’s no possible way the US could have foreseen the attack, since Japan lies on the other side of the date line and thus exists one day in the future. How could the US prepare for or defend against an attack which happened a day before it actually occurred? With the powers of time travel at their disposal, it was easy for the Nips to travel back one day and attack us unawares. The Japanese still have this time travel ability at their disposal, so they must be destroyed, but only by attacking from the West to minimize the destructive power of the International Date Line.
Taisho Agari
Mie, Hokkaido, Japan

My Lords,
The peasants have been without barley for much time and the stores of coarse black bread will not last through winter. What shall they put in the pottage, I ask? Dirt? Methinks not. If they are not prepared for by Your Graces, what shall they consume? Surely they will starve in the coming winter and there shall be no one to work the fields. I suggest slaughtering an older ox and salting the meat to provide for the serfs in the coming colder times.
John the Bald,
Herald of Norwich
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Classifieds: Gregor 2006

FOR SALE
Iron tomato. Looks like a tomato but is made of iron. Also available: regular tomatoes in thick iron casing. Bob, box 206.

FOR RENT
Grand Army of the Potomac. Includes cavalry, scouts, fully limbered artillery, many infantry regiments. Available with choice of leaders including Meade, Grant and McClellan. Owner assumes no liability if army is outmaneuvered by Lee. $400 per day, plus mules.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Balloon pilot needed for race around the world. We’ll meet at Leicester Square on the morrow. The Queen, herself, will drop the flag.

WANTED
I need granola for sexual purposes. Please do not make me elaborate here. Just get me the granola. M.N. Glue, Bonanza, KY.

FOR SALE
Edible hovercraft. Made entirely of beets and beet paste. Will trade for borscht B-17. Call 74-091-11 for details and price list.

WANTED
Proof of the existence of a race of aliens who live in helicopters and communicate via various sauces. Will pay $5.95 per day.

FOR SALE
Haunted Boeing 707. Ghost of Himmler haunts the aircraft’s lavatory. Will appear to swarthy looking passengers and offer half-hearted apologies for the Holocaust. Looks at shoes, mumbles a quick ‘sorry about that thing.’ Don’t think he really means it. $123,456.78 or best offer. Lufthansa, Berlin EU.
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Best Mart

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THE MARCHING FORWARD OF THE PROGRESS
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SOLUTION
TO HIGH PRICES

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