Cute-Pretty-Beautiful

A Discourse on the Subtlety of Attraction

It is a widely known fact that most heterosexual, and even some homosexual, men love attractive women. What is less widely understood is why certain women are particularly attractive; especially since many attractive women look nothing alike. You can take a big curvy Amazon, a little petite ballerina or even a scruffy tomboy and find them all to be highly pleasing to the eye, and to other parts as well. Some psychologists try to boil it down to facial symmetry, some anthropologists might point to the sphericality of breast shape, some biologists might talk of pheromones or child-bearing hips, but for some reason attractive women come in all sorts of different styles.

One way to look at the situation is to realize that there are cute women, pretty women and beautiful women; all of which are different yet still equally desirable. Cute, pretty and beautiful are closely related, often it can be difficult to distinguish one from the other. Usually this is because the person trying to distinguish one from the other is not thinking with his brain. All three types of women have a remarkable ability to shut down any male’s higher brain functions.

It’s most important to note that cute, pretty and beautiful are entirely separate from the other triptych; girl-next-door, virtuous virgin and wildly fun slut. It’s easy to pair each of these three terms with a counterpart; the cute girl-next-door, the pretty virtuous virgin and the beautiful wildly fun slut. This doesn’t work at all though. Any researcher should always keep in mind that there are plenty of cute sluts, pretty girls-next-door and beautiful virtuous virgins. The key question then is, what makes a woman cute, pretty or beautiful?

First, we will explore cute. Often, cuteness corresponds directly to stature. One will find more short cute girls than pretty or beautiful girls of small stature. Cuteness can also be dictated by the facial features; large, pronounced eyes, a small nose and mouth and generally rounded facial types are often the hallmark of the cute woman. One could, if one were so inclined, describe such features as mousey or child-like, although this is not the best comparison, as only the insanely strange enjoy sexual relations with mice or children while almost all men enjoy such activities with cute women.

The pretty woman, on the other hand, is perhaps a bit more classical in appearance. Her features are well arranged, and sometimes even angular in their appearance. Many pretty women are of a taller, but more graceful stature, and their looks could even be called refined. While one might easily call a beautiful or cute female of any age a girl, the pretty female seems to fit the word woman quite well. She is grown up, maybe even tall and elegant and perhaps more serious in her countenance then her beautiful or cute compatriots. There is a sly, cat-like grace about the pretty woman, and even if she is a girl-next-door, her classic exquisiteness always shines through.

Lastly, the beautiful woman seems to embody some of the traits of both the cute and the pretty. In many ways she combines the strengths of both styles into one package that is instantly appealing. She’s more grown up than the cute, but still more unbounded than the pretty. Drifting through all the styles, the beautiful woman is at once elegant and playful. Unlike the cute, who can hide behind bashfulness or the pretty who can hide behind her stoicism, there is no sticking a beautiful woman under a bushel; no matter where she goes she will be noticed by everyone. For it is the beautiful woman, who combines the allure of the cute and pretty, who always gets the attention, whether she wants it or not.

Each of us has known and has fallen in love with women who are cute, who are pretty and who are beautiful. Though each group has its own strengths and particularities that single it out, when it all comes down to the right moment, they are all the same; no matter if a woman is cute, pretty or beautiful, the only important thing is that at least she isn’t fugly.

Historigon: Springtober 2006

Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2005 AD: Researchers at MCATDA begin their study of various studies of other studies, successfully completing the first meta-meta-analysis.
  • 1943 AD: After learning of the disastrous defeat at Midway, Japanese emperor Hiro Hito spends the afternoon studying interesting squid.
  • 1933 AD: Axes & Alleys explanation man Lemuel LaBratt born.
  • 1902 AD: While looking in the mirror, a young Adolph Schickelgruber first notices a growth of thin hairs on his upper lip.
  • 1864 AD: Confederate General Robert E. Lee eats a turkey sandwich which he describes as the “best turkey sandwich ever.” Scholars later debate the veracity of this claim.
  • 1812 AD: Popcorn invented in the Austrian Empire when an oxcart overturns, spilling dried ears of corn onto the firewalking display of a visiting troupe of traveling fakirs from India.
  • 1717 AD: Incredibly lost Japanese fishermen sail through the Dardanelles.
  • 1666 AD: In order to impress his friends, John the Carter of London Towne, lights his tobacco pipe from one of the burning embers of a St. Paul’s Cathedral rectory support beam.
  • 1517 AD: After writing an important document, Martin Luther spends three and a half hours looking for his hammer. Later he finds it in a drawer.
  • 1409 AD: Peaceful, Native American hunter-gatherer peoples engage in a brutal war of conquest and enslavement.
  • 1015 AD: Dag Lifmunssun, his dog, and a donkey ride a giant ice sheet down into the waters of Norway. They are unable to convince anyone to settle in Sunland.
  • 950 AD: Bantu speaking peoples arrive in Zimbabwe near the Zambezi river, bringing with them the yo-yo.
  • 801 AD: Tlatacca the Mayan decides to go on vacation. All his friends, family and neighbors decide to go with him, leaving Copan completely deserted.
  • 475 AD: Two members of the former Roman Legions stationed in Britain are found on an island in the English Channel, busily adding to a three foot high stack of reports to their commanders on the mainland.
  • 180 AD: A group of men from New Guinea arrive in New Zealand after falling asleep drunk in their canoes. They are promptly killed by the native Moa birds.
  • 2 AD: Yeshua bar Yusef of Nazareth is first allowed to operate the lathe, but only very carefully.
  • 300 BC: On a bet, a member of the advanced civilization of Patronam (with its capital in Tunguska, Siberia) uses its genetic technology to modify the still-flourishing mastodon into the modern elephant while simultaneously using its teleportation technology to modify all written and physical records of the mastodon’s existence.
  • 490 BC: Philo of Athens endures endless ridicule for having slept through the entire battle at Marathon the previous month.
  • 593 BC: A young Hebrew named Daniel is unable to help the king whose dream involves a snake that goes into a grassy hole, then crawls back out, then back in and then vomits milk.
  • 1152 BC: Ithacan king Odysseus fails in his first attempt to beguile the Trojans by dressing up as a talking, dancing bear offering various berries, fruits, and toy trumpets.
  • 3049 BC: The Proto-Elamites, in a surprisingly precocious mood, adopt Greek prefixes before the advent of Hellenic language.
  • 5752 BC: Wandering peoples in the northern half of Africa decide the place would look better as a desert and start carting in sand and hauling off trees.
  • 18,460 BC: After successfully slaying a large antelope, Tahn son of Ahth of the Flat Area, is consumed by a pack of wolves.
  • 782,530 BC: Megdur thinks “Hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea to cut down some of these small trees for our fire instead of waiting around for branches to fall off?”

Somebody’s Miracle: On the Subject of Liz Phair

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Back in high school, I knew of Liz Phair and I knew of her music but back in high school I was a young and foolish boy; one who wasn’t particularly interested in hearing the opening shots of post-feminist rock fired across the bow of the ship of the dying 80s music scene. It would take another few years before a girlfriend of mine formally introduced me to Exile in Guyville; which was one of about twenty CDs that she owned. Eventually, owing at least in part to a 1000 mile solo drive I took, that album grew on me and stuck like a barnacle.

What is it about Liz Phair? She’s not as sultry as Shirley Manson, not as rambunctious as Gwen Stefani, not as sullen as Fiona Apple and not as black as Missy Elliot. When I sat down to compile a mix of the seminal songs by the twenty most important women in rock history, I eventually had to abandon the project; it was impossible because in such a compilation Liz Phair would require a disc all her own. In a word, Liz Phair is amazing. Essentially, this status of amazing is bestowed due to three distinct concepts Liz Phair embodies in a manner that one else ever could.

For one thing, it was Liz Phair who first made me realize that girls, even women, could really be interested in sex. Remember that I discovered Liz Phair’s music when I was a stupid teenager. Back then sex was more like a war; it involved a constant battle and girls were well defended in their indestructible bunkers of pure defense. Back then, every girl seemed to be saving herself for something or other. The plain fact was that they were all around fifteen or so, which with 20/20 hindsight I must say is way too young for sex. But still, we boys wanted what we wanted. And then, there was Liz Phair. There she was saying it blatantly in her songs. She wanted sex, she fantasized about sex, she actually enjoyed sex. It was a revelation. Women could be just as crazed as men. Now, looking back, as I sometimes do, I realize that Ms. Phair was in fact creating a character that would allow her to break out of her naturally shy shell. That didn’t matter when I was seventeen. Sometimes it doesn’t matter now.

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