Historigon: Springtober 2006


During This Month in History…

  • 2005 AD: Researchers at MCATDA begin their study of various studies of other studies, successfully completing the first meta-meta-analysis.
  • 1943 AD: After learning of the disastrous defeat at Midway, Japanese emperor Hiro Hito spends the afternoon studying interesting squid.
  • 1933 AD: Axes & Alleys explanation man Lemuel LaBratt born.
  • 1902 AD: While looking in the mirror, a young Adolph Schickelgruber first notices a growth of thin hairs on his upper lip.
  • 1864 AD: Confederate General Robert E. Lee eats a turkey sandwich which he describes as the “best turkey sandwich ever.” Scholars later debate the veracity of this claim.
  • 1812 AD: Popcorn invented in the Austrian Empire when an oxcart overturns, spilling dried ears of corn onto the firewalking display of a visiting troupe of traveling fakirs from India.
  • 1717 AD: Incredibly lost Japanese fishermen sail through the Dardanelles.
  • 1666 AD: In order to impress his friends, John the Carter of London Towne, lights his tobacco pipe from one of the burning embers of a St. Paul’s Cathedral rectory support beam.
  • 1517 AD: After writing an important document, Martin Luther spends three and a half hours looking for his hammer. Later he finds it in a drawer.
  • 1409 AD: Peaceful, Native American hunter-gatherer peoples engage in a brutal war of conquest and enslavement.
  • 1015 AD: Dag Lifmunssun, his dog, and a donkey ride a giant ice sheet down into the waters of Norway. They are unable to convince anyone to settle in Sunland.
  • 950 AD: Bantu speaking peoples arrive in Zimbabwe near the Zambezi river, bringing with them the yo-yo.
  • 801 AD: Tlatacca the Mayan decides to go on vacation. All his friends, family and neighbors decide to go with him, leaving Copan completely deserted.
  • 475 AD: Two members of the former Roman Legions stationed in Britain are found on an island in the English Channel, busily adding to a three foot high stack of reports to their commanders on the mainland.
  • 180 AD: A group of men from New Guinea arrive in New Zealand after falling asleep drunk in their canoes. They are promptly killed by the native Moa birds.
  • 2 AD: Yeshua bar Yusef of Nazareth is first allowed to operate the lathe, but only very carefully.
  • 300 BC: On a bet, a member of the advanced civilization of Patronam (with its capital in Tunguska, Siberia) uses its genetic technology to modify the still-flourishing mastodon into the modern elephant while simultaneously using its teleportation technology to modify all written and physical records of the mastodon’s existence.
  • 490 BC: Philo of Athens endures endless ridicule for having slept through the entire battle at Marathon the previous month.
  • 593 BC: A young Hebrew named Daniel is unable to help the king whose dream involves a snake that goes into a grassy hole, then crawls back out, then back in and then vomits milk.
  • 1152 BC: Ithacan king Odysseus fails in his first attempt to beguile the Trojans by dressing up as a talking, dancing bear offering various berries, fruits, and toy trumpets.
  • 3049 BC: The Proto-Elamites, in a surprisingly precocious mood, adopt Greek prefixes before the advent of Hellenic language.
  • 5752 BC: Wandering peoples in the northern half of Africa decide the place would look better as a desert and start carting in sand and hauling off trees.
  • 18,460 BC: After successfully slaying a large antelope, Tahn son of Ahth of the Flat Area, is consumed by a pack of wolves.
  • 782,530 BC: Megdur thinks “Hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea to cut down some of these small trees for our fire instead of waiting around for branches to fall off?”

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