Tag Archives: Scott Birdseye

Letters: Justinuary 2006

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear A&A,
Your advertisement for the Mohorovicic Discontinuity (Caliguly 2006) would also be great for a t-shirt. Unfortunately the molten rock contained within the Earth is called magma, not lava. This really bugs me.
Sabine
Corpus Christi, TX

Dear Editors,
I take issue with Sticker Page in your Clauduary issue (Sticker Page, Clauduary 2006). At the very top of the page you feature a sticker which says “I Dig Dugout Dug.” Dugout Dug is a thoroughly despicable human being. He is unable to wash or clothe himself and his only claim to fame before your infamous lionizing of him on Sticker Page was being kicked out of the Rocklynde, Montsylvania Lentil Soakers AAA baseball team dugout before every game.
Melvin Merkson
Rocklynde, MV

To the Axes & Alleys editors, in regards to Not Even
Wrong review, Springtober 2006:
Thanks for sending this, although I think you guys should lighten up…You have been smart enough to notice what lots of reviewers didn’t, that the book wasn’t especially written for a popular audience, but that significant parts of it were really written mainly for other physicists and mathematicians, although this is cleverly hidden through the avoidance of equations. My publishers also didn’t much notice this, although they perhaps just have unshakeable faith in the public’s willingness to buy something they won’t be able to understand. Anyway, so far I’ve been extremely pleased and surprised at how much attention the book has gotten and how well it has been selling. It really was intended originally for a university press and much more limited distribution. String theorists put a stop to that, now they’re not very happy with the fact that the book’s point of view is reaching a rather wide audience.
Anyway, best wishes!
Dr. Peter Woit
New York, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am incensed by the latest rash of bestiality reports in the media. Persons engaging in interspecies rape with pit bulls, pomeranians, schnauzers, basset hounds, doberman pinschers, chihuahuas, bluetick coonhounds, corgis, pekingese, otterhounds, and spitzes is just disgusting. Humans should only rape size-appropriate canines such as Irish wolfhounds, borzois, St. Bernards, Rhodesian ridgebacks, and mongrels more than two feet tall. I am constantly amazed at the true depths of depravity to which society plummets; more so the incomprehension of size differences.
Mike Gamble
Sordid Rakehook, WD

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your classified ads are not actually classified at all. They are randomly arranged. Please fix this or I will cancel my subscription. Also, when are you gonna publish some more Rango and Lem comics? It’s not like they’re that hard or produce, so c’mon lets see the boy and the alien and lets see some actual classifieds some time.
Jennifer Martasko
Seaford, NY

To the Editors,
How come all the ladies on your covers are famous celebrities like actors, singers or models? Why not put an ordinary girl on your cover? Maybe someone who’s just a college student or check out girl at the supermarket? Ordinary, normal girls are hot. It’d be cool to see one on your cover.
Paul David Hewson
Dublin, Ireland

Classifieds: Springtober 2006

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WANTED
Real people named Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard to appear in our live reenactment of the game Monopoly. We sure like Monopoly, but often get it confused with other board games. Milwaukee Scrabbleship Club.
414-287-4100

FOR LEASE
Plot of land, 1 sq. mm. 99 year lease, only ½ penny. Exact change only. Tracy Form, Chapping Realty. Blamer’s Crossing, EL.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Archivist to file and track of Icelandic singer Bjork’s dental records. She’s compulsive and has to go to the dentist twice a day or more. Good pay, plus car and dental benefits. Sal Gudmunsdottir, Gudmunsdottir Ltd.

FOR LEASE
Two bedroom apartment with bath in the heart of blue whale. Whale no longer living but still spacious. Yap R. Freep. 77.333.8383

FOR SALE
Pancake. Slightly flatter than usual. $.02 or five for a nickel. Tom, Box 6.

FOR RENT
Soundproof, unlighted room. Contains two girls kissing. $53 per time unit.
Melby Katamaran
779-3458

FOR SALE
100 puppies!
elmer@100puppies.com

FOR SALE
Statue of the Paesistratids. Found in attic. Both figures missing genitals, but otherwise intact.
$3000 or best offer.
Jerry Muldauer
Dry Michigan

FOR SALE
Beer coolzy! I’ve recently patented the beer coolzy and I want to sell it to you. Gimme a shout at 995-382-4825.

FOR RENT
Three mouse fur coats, perfectly sized for mice. Free gelatin lathe included.
Tony Blair
10 Downing Street
London SW1 UK

WANTED
Organism. My supply just ran out and I can’t find anymore. Willing to offer increasingly higher amounts of money if you refuse previous offers. Will also cry on occasion.
Mary Bagel 823-2617

FREE
Belt loop! You can string a belt through it. You can string two thin belts through it. You can use it to hitch a watch or wallet. It’s belt loop. And it’s absolutely free!
Michael Carmino
45 Arterial Street
San Francisco, CA

FOR SALE
Candle once used by Albert Einstien during a power outage in 1937. Original wax, but wick has been restored. Call Bobbles at 888.888.801

FOR SALE
Nothing. Stop calling.

WANTED
Better reputation. Some of those ignorant people gave me a bad name.
Look for niggardly in the dictionary.

FOR SALE
80 lb. iron toilet seat. Structurally-sound toilet recommended before purchase. $2.35 or best offer.
Caleb Carr
P.O. Box 44 Monrovia, WV

WANTED
500 sheets of green-lined, loose leaf paper. Please find the carrier pigeon on the corner of Lefgot and Main Street. Attach message indicating you have the paper. Then release. Will send payment by Sandy’s Burro Express. If any questions about payment, send message by smoke signals from Saturnine Hill.

FOR EVER
Love, devotion, wild, wild after-dinner poetry parties. Come by Jameson’s Pub on Thursdays for yours.

FOR RENT
The Kremlin. Nice décor, colourful spires, one Duma.
Grad Belgolovich at The Kremlin, Russia

FOR SALE
Rigging for three-masted galleon, one twelve year old boy to crawl in it, and three pegs for securing.
Larry Meddleby
5659009238432405968

POSITION AVAILABLE
Pilot needed for human kite project. Probably fatal. Bob at Box 34.

Fifty Things Thomas Edison Never Even Tried to Invent

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  1. chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
  2. apologetic electric chairs
  3. powdered bridges
  4. the sideways train
  5. hover horses
  6. self-eating reuben sandwiches
  7. steam-powered windmills
  8. a board game based on the American Civil War
  9. the electric alphabet
  10. waterproof milkshakes
  11. double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
  12. odometers for hamster wheels
  13. raspberry flavoured dental dams
  14. robot crows
  15. mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
  16. pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
  17. Bruce Vilanch detector
  18. A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
  19. sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
  20. a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
  21. realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
  22. wind-resistant chinstraps
  23. The Moron Slapper
  24. 120 proof corn liquor
  25. salmon-flavoured canals
  26. fire
  27. pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
  28. electric orgasm monitors
  29. a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
  30. the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
  31. bicycle windshields
  32. creature detectors
  33. the testicle-shaving cup
  34. chicken caesar salad lasagne
  35. static electric false moustache
  36. a well-designed light switch with iconography
  37. coati suppressing foam
  38. the mechanical spider buddy
  39. The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
  40. Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
  41. an ash tray exhaust fan
  42. the low-loam diet for worms
  43. a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
  44. the communications satellite
  45. spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
  46. creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
  47. a Chinese finger trap remover
  48. Ecomagination
  49. magnetic teeth implants
  50. the electric mop