A Simple Guide to Underestimating Carrots

1. Draw up a list of your estimate of the basic attributes of a carrot. Then, lower those values by 98%.
2. Consult with a highly qualified carrot expert. Mockingly disregard his or her statements.
3. Find every book or peer-reviewed journal article about carrots. Don’t bother reading them.
4. Set up a scale for carrots as follows; 1-2 extremely poor, 3-4 markedly poor, 5-6 ridiculously poor. Roll a six sided die and let that stand as your determined carrot value.
5. Laugh mockingly at them while cackling that carrots could never defeat you. Then get defeated.
6. Draw up a completely fool-proof plan for destroying all carrots, but leave out one crucial piece of information.
7. Miss the average vitamin A content of a carrot by 3%.
8. Make a special rule where each inch mark is actually at the 2 and 3/8th inch mark. Then measure several carrots and record their lengths.
9. Look at a field full of carrots. Guess three.
10. Ask someone to name the best thing about carrots. When they give their answer, disagree with them.
11. Confuse carrots with seals.

The A-Z of Kooky Ideas and Conspiracy Theories

Aliens routinely come to Earth and abduct people for use in a bizarre intergalactic breeding program.

Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, George Reeves, Marilyn Monroe and Bob Marley were all murdered for various, shadowy reasons.

Cars can go up to 1,000 miles on a single gallon of gasoline, but this is covered up by oil companies and car manufacturers to increase their profits.

Daniel Bester Inc. is actually a front for the human allies of a dangerous alien empire that is attempting to take control of the Earth.

Energy from the human orgasm (orgone) is the most powerful thing in the universe; using it has allowed people to do everything from curing cancer to levitating the Pentagon.

Flying Saucers have been reverse-engineered by the Nazis, the Soviets and the USAF to develop advanced airplane technology.

Groom Lake, otherwise known as Area 51, is home to the corpses of several dead aliens whose ship crashed in New Mexico in 1947.

HAARP, the High-Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a vast, powerful weather and/or mind control device created by the US Government.

Intelligent beings from other planets artificially influenced human evolution. These beings were the antecedent of all human religions. Also, they built the Pyramids.

Jews, through their banking and finance connections, run the entire world.

Kennedy was murdered by the CIA, in conjunction with the Soviets, the Mafia and possible Aristotle Onasis. Lee Harvey Oswald may have been involved.

Lemuria was an ancient continent which was first settled by aliens in roughly 100,000 BC. Later it sank beneath the oceans.

Mars was once home to an advanced civilization whose ruins, including a mile wide relief of a human face, can still be seen today in the region of Cydonia.

No one ever set foot on the Moon. NASA inexpertly faked the Apollo missions in order to avoid losing face in the Space Race, or perhaps because they didn’t want the public to know that the Moon is home to a massive UFO base.

Occult groups, including the Freemasons, the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission, have secretly been controlling the world for thousands of years.

Possible locations of Atlantis include Thera, Egypt, Antarctica, Florida, England, the Azores, North Dakota, Turkey, Mars and the Atlantic.

Quieting UFO witnesses involves spending mysterious, quasi-robotic, agents dressed in black, to people’s homes to intimidate them.

Remote Frequency Identification Tags are implanted in people’s noses by the government and by aliens so they can keep track of everything.

September 11th was a purposeful act of deception orchestrated by the US Government. Controlled demolitions, rather than hijacked airplanes, actually destroyed the buildings.

The best way to utilize the unlimited power of the Mind is slightly alter the shape of table ware.

Underground UFO bases exist in the Himalayas. For years the Draconian Reptoids have been in contact with the Masters of the Hidden City of Shambala.

Volcanic eruptions are triggered by the close approach of Earth’s second moon Lilith.

War between the Grays, the Reptoids and the Nephillium caused Molad, the paradise planet between Mars and Jupiter, to be destroyed, thus creating the asteroid belt.

Xenobilogists have proven that catfish are direct descendants of extraterrestrial fish brought to Earth two million years ago by comets.

Years ago, all African people had bird like wings, enabling them to fly. Then, a mad scientist created white people who took over, driving the Winged Africans into extinction.

Zygotes develop a soul after the eighth cell division.

How to Impersonate Norman Chinsky of Great Neck, NY.

1. Wear a blue work shirt, khaki pants and old, beat up sneakers.
2. Accessorize with a fanny pack, a fake mustache and glasses.
3. Affect a nasal voice with slight sibilance.
4. Talk about auto parts a lot.
5. Make the “Okay” gesture with your thumb and fingers while you say “Gotcha there.”
6. Pretend to really enjoy saying the phrase “What do you think, file the pink. What do you do, staple the blue.”
7. Complain about Ted. Call Ted a moron.
8. Mention the NJ Nets and how great their next season will be.
9. Tell that story about the time you got a free Whopper because you were “persistent.”
10. Mention that “The clock’s still on the wall” every time someone checks the time. Snigger.

Time to Die

There have always been people who compare Lincoln and Kennedy, that is to say the United States Presidents Abraham Tiberius Lincoln and John Fitzgerald Kennedy rather than the Lincoln automobile or John F. Kennedy International Airport in Queens, U.S.A. These two presidents are most famous for being dead, or rather for their method of dying, that is to say that both chose assassination as their means of exiting this mortal coil. Really they did not choose to be assassinated, but rather their assassins (Charles Guiteau and Gavrilo Princeps respectively) choose to murder them. Most interesting is that these two men, A.T. Lincoln and J.F. Kennedy, died at drastically different times of the day.

In 1865, Abraham Lincoln Jr. chose to attend a film called “Our American Cousin” at the prestigious Ford Theatre in our nation’s capital. As he sat enjoying himself and the company of his irrepressibly awful wife Mary Todd, assassin Mark David Chapman fired a bullet into the president while shouting “Mulus vinum non amat!” Lincoln was taken elsewhere where he died at around 10:15 p.m. that evening.

Over two hundred years later, John F. Fitzgerald Kennedy was traveling through the Dallas, Texas city of Austin when he was struck by a bullet fired by Charlotte Corday from a conveniently located book suppository. After being taken to a hospital, doctors removed his brain and he died at 1:25 p.m.

This is an interesting contrast. While both presidents were murdered by assassins who used bullet firing weapons, they died at separate times. Think about it; people die all the time and while that’s sad it’s best to realize that you will also died. It’s important to remember that you will die one day, probably one day soon. If you spend a lot of time wrestling alligators then your death will probably come really quickly, especially if you’ve never been properly trained in alligator handling. I have never been trained.

The fact of the matter is that I have determined that Sunday night around 10:00 p.m. is the best time of all to die.

Who wants to die in the morning? You’ve just gotten up and have barely had chance to enjoy your coffee and newspaper when the Reaper so rudely interrupts. And besides, you had your whole day ahead of you; the drycleaners, work, a trip to the arcade and maybe some mint-chocolate-chip ice cream for a little treat. It doesn’t matter that these weren’t good plans, they were still your plans. Just because it wasn’t a sangria brunch with the Queen or hang-gliding with Alan Alda doesn’t mean your plans meant nothing. They were still your plans and you had planned on doing them. Now they’re all shot because you’re dead. It’s so disappointing.

It’s better to died in the late evening. By then the day is pretty much over, it’s winding down. There’s nothing good on TV, just the news at 10 and then reruns of old sitcoms after that. Maybe you can catch a MacGuyver or something on cable, but for the most part all you have to look forward to at that point is maybe some reading, a trip to the bathroom and then unconciousness. And that’s the point; late at night you’re already ready for unconciousness. You’re tired, you want to rest and what’s the best rest of all? That’s right, the peace of the grave.

As for the day of the week; Sunday is the best by far. The weekdays are all about work, the weekends are the real fun. Why end your life on say, a Friday when the weekend is before you? Best to end it on Sunday when the fun of the weekend is over and all you have to look forward to is more of the same old office. It’d be terrible to end it on a Saturday night too, because Saturday night is the best for going out and besides I like to get up and watch that pet keeping show on Sunday mornings. The weekdays are just weekdays. Monday through Thursday…who cares? Sure, there’s some interesting television on I guess, but there’s nothing too special.

And I cannot stress this enough; do not die during high school. Do whatever you can to survive until you graduate. What, do you have terminal cancer? I don’t care, just keep breathing. What, did you just crash your car on Dead Man’s Curve? Yeah, wait for the ambulance, don’t give up yet junior. The worst thing about dying in high school is that you never get to live past high school. Life gets way better after high school. Wait, change that; the real worst thing about dying in high school is that they do that stupid year book spread about you and some dork writes a poem about flowers or the seasons or some other damn thing. Yeah, survive high school.

I would say that the best time to day is probably the Sunday after your 60th birthday, at around 10:00 p.m. That way you get to miss work and those annoying years where you lack bladder control. Sixty years are plenty for life. Hey, plenty more than Lincoln Fitzgerald or Abe Kennedy ever got.

Death should be something special, and like all big events you shouldn’t take it for granted.