Historigon: Springtober 2006

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Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2005 AD: Researchers at MCATDA begin their study of various studies of other studies, successfully completing the first meta-meta-analysis.
  • 1943 AD: After learning of the disastrous defeat at Midway, Japanese emperor Hiro Hito spends the afternoon studying interesting squid.
  • 1933 AD: Axes & Alleys explanation man Lemuel LaBratt born.
  • 1902 AD: While looking in the mirror, a young Adolph Schickelgruber first notices a growth of thin hairs on his upper lip.
  • 1864 AD: Confederate General Robert E. Lee eats a turkey sandwich which he describes as the “best turkey sandwich ever.” Scholars later debate the veracity of this claim.
  • 1812 AD: Popcorn invented in the Austrian Empire when an oxcart overturns, spilling dried ears of corn onto the firewalking display of a visiting troupe of traveling fakirs from India.
  • 1717 AD: Incredibly lost Japanese fishermen sail through the Dardanelles.
  • 1666 AD: In order to impress his friends, John the Carter of London Towne, lights his tobacco pipe from one of the burning embers of a St. Paul’s Cathedral rectory support beam.
  • 1517 AD: After writing an important document, Martin Luther spends three and a half hours looking for his hammer. Later he finds it in a drawer.
  • 1409 AD: Peaceful, Native American hunter-gatherer peoples engage in a brutal war of conquest and enslavement.
  • 1015 AD: Dag Lifmunssun, his dog, and a donkey ride a giant ice sheet down into the waters of Norway. They are unable to convince anyone to settle in Sunland.
  • 950 AD: Bantu speaking peoples arrive in Zimbabwe near the Zambezi river, bringing with them the yo-yo.
  • 801 AD: Tlatacca the Mayan decides to go on vacation. All his friends, family and neighbors decide to go with him, leaving Copan completely deserted.
  • 475 AD: Two members of the former Roman Legions stationed in Britain are found on an island in the English Channel, busily adding to a three foot high stack of reports to their commanders on the mainland.
  • 180 AD: A group of men from New Guinea arrive in New Zealand after falling asleep drunk in their canoes. They are promptly killed by the native Moa birds.
  • 2 AD: Yeshua bar Yusef of Nazareth is first allowed to operate the lathe, but only very carefully.
  • 300 BC: On a bet, a member of the advanced civilization of Patronam (with its capital in Tunguska, Siberia) uses its genetic technology to modify the still-flourishing mastodon into the modern elephant while simultaneously using its teleportation technology to modify all written and physical records of the mastodon’s existence.
  • 490 BC: Philo of Athens endures endless ridicule for having slept through the entire battle at Marathon the previous month.
  • 593 BC: A young Hebrew named Daniel is unable to help the king whose dream involves a snake that goes into a grassy hole, then crawls back out, then back in and then vomits milk.
  • 1152 BC: Ithacan king Odysseus fails in his first attempt to beguile the Trojans by dressing up as a talking, dancing bear offering various berries, fruits, and toy trumpets.
  • 3049 BC: The Proto-Elamites, in a surprisingly precocious mood, adopt Greek prefixes before the advent of Hellenic language.
  • 5752 BC: Wandering peoples in the northern half of Africa decide the place would look better as a desert and start carting in sand and hauling off trees.
  • 18,460 BC: After successfully slaying a large antelope, Tahn son of Ahth of the Flat Area, is consumed by a pack of wolves.
  • 782,530 BC: Megdur thinks “Hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea to cut down some of these small trees for our fire instead of waiting around for branches to fall off?”

Somebody’s Miracle: On the Subject of Liz Phair

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phair1

Back in high school, I knew of Liz Phair and I knew of her music but back in high school I was a young and foolish boy; one who wasn’t particularly interested in hearing the opening shots of post-feminist rock fired across the bow of the ship of the dying 80s music scene. It would take another few years before a girlfriend of mine formally introduced me to Exile in Guyville; which was one of about twenty CDs that she owned. Eventually, owing at least in part to a 1000 mile solo drive I took, that album grew on me and stuck like a barnacle.

What is it about Liz Phair? She’s not as sultry as Shirley Manson, not as rambunctious as Gwen Stefani, not as sullen as Fiona Apple and not as black as Missy Elliot. When I sat down to compile a mix of the seminal songs by the twenty most important women in rock history, I eventually had to abandon the project; it was impossible because in such a compilation Liz Phair would require a disc all her own. In a word, Liz Phair is amazing. Essentially, this status of amazing is bestowed due to three distinct concepts Liz Phair embodies in a manner that one else ever could.

For one thing, it was Liz Phair who first made me realize that girls, even women, could really be interested in sex. Remember that I discovered Liz Phair’s music when I was a stupid teenager. Back then sex was more like a war; it involved a constant battle and girls were well defended in their indestructible bunkers of pure defense. Back then, every girl seemed to be saving herself for something or other. The plain fact was that they were all around fifteen or so, which with 20/20 hindsight I must say is way too young for sex. But still, we boys wanted what we wanted. And then, there was Liz Phair. There she was saying it blatantly in her songs. She wanted sex, she fantasized about sex, she actually enjoyed sex. It was a revelation. Women could be just as crazed as men. Now, looking back, as I sometimes do, I realize that Ms. Phair was in fact creating a character that would allow her to break out of her naturally shy shell. That didn’t matter when I was seventeen. Sometimes it doesn’t matter now.

liz
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The March of Progress: Springtober 2006

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earth3

Space Flats, FL– Scenticians at the National Aerospace Science Association (NASA) announced the discovery of the Solar System’s third planet; still officially known as ISB0306A. The third planet is actually one-half of a binary planet system which it shares with a smaller, less-interesting, crater-covered body. Located exactly one AU from the Sun, ISB0306A is the fifth largest body in the Solar System and by far the most dense. Most remarkably, ISB0306A, situated between the orbits of Mars and Venus, inhabits what is known as the “goldilocks zone,” named for the goldilocks groundhog, which is also warm and hospitable.

Though the atmosphere is composed primarily of nitrogen, a large amount of free oxygen is also present. This has excited Astronomers who speculate that ISB0306A most likely has surface conditions ideal for life. This is indeed remarkable considering that the silicate-heavy planet is still violently tectonically active.

“Yes, this planet has rivers of molten rock, but it also has vast oceans of liquid water; in fact the amount of O2 there strongly hints that we may be looking at a planet with abundant life,” stated NASA project leader Kilroy Addams.

ISB0306A’s strong magnetic field seems to indicate a highly active iron core; only Jupiter has a stronger magnetic field. By far the strangest anomaly is the presence of what have been dubbed “fireflies.” The fireflies appear only on the night side of the planet; they are large splotches of sparkling light that may be caused by radioactive rocks, volcanism or even large colonies of bioluminescent life.

“ISB0306A is probably the most interesting body we’ve yet discovered in the Solar System. If there is life anywhere around the Sun, we’re most likely going to find it there. We have years of study ahead, and they look to be exciting ones.” Possible names for ISB0306A have already been proposed and include the Greek Geo, the Latin Terra or the Old English Earth.