Fifty Things Thomas Edison Never Even Tried to Invent

Posted on by
3
  1. chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
  2. apologetic electric chairs
  3. powdered bridges
  4. the sideways train
  5. hover horses
  6. self-eating reuben sandwiches
  7. steam-powered windmills
  8. a board game based on the American Civil War
  9. the electric alphabet
  10. waterproof milkshakes
  11. double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
  12. odometers for hamster wheels
  13. raspberry flavoured dental dams
  14. robot crows
  15. mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
  16. pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
  17. Bruce Vilanch detector
  18. A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
  19. sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
  20. a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
  21. realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
  22. wind-resistant chinstraps
  23. The Moron Slapper
  24. 120 proof corn liquor
  25. salmon-flavoured canals
  26. fire
  27. pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
  28. electric orgasm monitors
  29. a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
  30. the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
  31. bicycle windshields
  32. creature detectors
  33. the testicle-shaving cup
  34. chicken caesar salad lasagne
  35. static electric false moustache
  36. a well-designed light switch with iconography
  37. coati suppressing foam
  38. the mechanical spider buddy
  39. The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
  40. Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
  41. an ash tray exhaust fan
  42. the low-loam diet for worms
  43. a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
  44. the communications satellite
  45. spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
  46. creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
  47. a Chinese finger trap remover
  48. Ecomagination
  49. magnetic teeth implants
  50. the electric mop

Ask Montezuma: Springtober 2006

Posted on by
Reply

Montezuma II
Montezuma was the ruler of the Aztecs at
the time of the Spanish invasion. His latest mystery
novel Tyndale and the Jade Scorpion has
been made into a film staring Michael Dunaway and
Lucy Flasch. He is not mentioned in the
Book of Numbers.

Dear Montezuma,
When talking to camels, I find it best not to use the pluperfect, even though they use the tense heavily in their language. Which is better: collard greens, mustard greens, or turnip greens?
Silas Marner
New Scotland, Nova Scotia

Silas, I have examined records back to the Sixteenth Century extolling the virtues of one or another greens. Upon scientific analysis I have found that all three greens taste exactly the same. Greens all contain essentially the exact same building blocks and it’s mostly the pork that provides the taste.

Hey Montezuma,
Recently I applied for a job I really wanted through one of those online applications. It showed my status as “in process” for over a month. Finally I wrote to the person who would nominally be my boss and they told me the job had already been filled. Why are computers such liars?
Joseph Rose
Astoria, NY

Hey Joe, computers are liars, though no one knows why. Humanity often places more than one hundred percent trust in these machines, for scientifically unexplained reasons. Day after day computers lie to us; from our bank balances to whether we are attractive to the latest popular internet video. Computers should never be trusted. Pursue long-division on a pad of paper.

Dear Ask Montezuma,
Why can’t cleaning the inside of a window also clean the outside of a window?
Roger Penrose
Moravia, UK

RP, mostly it’s a result of not using the spray bottle on the outside, but God also created windows so that they were impossible to clean properly. You may consider hiring a manservant.

naut

Continue reading →