Montezuma was the ruler of the Aztecs at
the time of the Spanish invasion. His latest mystery
novel Tyndale and the Jade Scorpion has
been made into a film staring Michael Dunaway and
Lucy Flasch. He is not mentioned in the
Book of Numbers.

Dear Montezuma,
When talking to camels, I find it best not to use the pluperfect, even though they use the tense heavily in their language. Which is better: collard greens, mustard greens, or turnip greens?
Silas Marner
New Scotland, Nova Scotia

Silas, I have examined records back to the Sixteenth Century extolling the virtues of one or another greens. Upon scientific analysis I have found that all three greens taste exactly the same. Greens all contain essentially the exact same building blocks and it’s mostly the pork that provides the taste.

Hey Montezuma,
Recently I applied for a job I really wanted through one of those online applications. It showed my status as “in process” for over a month. Finally I wrote to the person who would nominally be my boss and they told me the job had already been filled. Why are computers such liars?
Joseph Rose
Astoria, NY

Hey Joe, computers are liars, though no one knows why. Humanity often places more than one hundred percent trust in these machines, for scientifically unexplained reasons. Day after day computers lie to us; from our bank balances to whether we are attractive to the latest popular internet video. Computers should never be trusted. Pursue long-division on a pad of paper.

Dear Ask Montezuma,
Why can’t cleaning the inside of a window also clean the outside of a window?
Roger Penrose
Moravia, UK

RP, mostly it’s a result of not using the spray bottle on the outside, but God also created windows so that they were impossible to clean properly. You may consider hiring a manservant.

Dear Montezuma,
The President of the United States recently responded to a letter I sent him. This is wonderful and I’ve framed his letter and hung it on my bathroom wall so I can review it at the most important times of life. However, he or his assistant incorrectly labeled my apartment as a “unit.” Does this mislabeling have the force of law?
Mildred Bankcroft
Dunscap, EL

Ms. Bankcroft, according to Executive Order 3012, all Presidential correspondence has a regulatory enforcement component. While this is not a legal status, it likely affects the way the Postal Service views your domicile. You might as well give in and use the unit designation.

Montezuma,
My neighbours have the cutest dog. Unfortunately they keep it in the courtyard of my apartment complex. It doesn’t seem to be terribly excited by this development. Neither am I. The dog is forced to excrete waste all over the courtyard, which attracts flies. My apartment is old, hot and inadequately supplied with electric voltage to run a large air conditioner. Therefore I have to keep my window open a lot and the flies and plaintive whines of the dog enter my home through the window. What’s the most number of knots one can tie in a shoe string?
Patty Dallis
Columbia, SC

Patty, a close friend of mine went to high school with you and tells me you’re really quite cute. Were that I were without a significant other. I would take you paragliding and lumberjacking. Then, as the sun sets we would drink of a fine pinot noir while roasting salmon on the darkening beach. I would cajole you into swimming in the ocean at night time, at which point you would be consumed by a starving shark.

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been told that for sufficiently high values of two, two plus two equals five. What about sufficiently high values of three?
Constance Abercrombie
Nord Carole, NC

Constance, sufficiently high values of three only yield imaginary numbers, which are inapplicable to most things except carrot slices.

Dear Montezuma,
How come there are so many reputed photographs of ghosts, but none of goblins?
Sam Barnhart
Bayside, New York

Sam, let’s face it: ghosts are in it for the limelight. One hears all sorts of business about things left undone, revenge, and spectral non-disengagement syndrome, but the fact of the matter is they make passionate love to the camera. Goblins, on the other hand, constantly feel they are not photogenic and do whatever they can to avoid being photographed. Some emit x-rays in order to overexpose any nearby film. Most are simply adept at avoidance. Some goblins, though, have perfected a light refraction technology in their secret scientific research establishments which allows them to be photographed without any worry because their images will not show up on film. These are all the rich goblins, of course.

Dear Montezuma,
What’s the best way to iron socks and underwear (including undershirts)?
Keith Sylvester
Atlanta, GA

Keith, ironing your socks and undergarments is the sign of a mongoloid. Do not do so.