So You Want to Invade Long Island?

invasion

There is only one real reason you would attempt to land a large expeditionary force in Long Island, and that is to seize New York City and possibly the port facilities in Brooklyn and New Jersey. Therefore, the following ideas will assume that that is your goal and that to achieve that goal you would need at least an Army Group (let’s say five divisions plus support and transportation units) and a large fleet of transport vessels and escorts, including a carrier group and plentiful ground-support gunships or fixed-wing craft.

The best time for an invasion would be around late summer in order to have good weather conditions for an autumn campaign. Ideally, you want to be able to seize control of New York City before the deep winter begins in January. The urban environment would provide excellent winter billets for a large army group as well as easy access to food and fuel supplies. A bitterly cold winter would be a good time for digging in, destroying bridges and establishing a defence perimeter. Snow and other adverse weather would make major sorties by enemy troops into your position difficult at best and will help to prevent overflights of your airspace by enemy units.

The first wave off the LSTs will need to be infantry or possibly marines. Thus, the Army Group should be composed of two divisions of infantry, two divisions of mobile infantry and one armoured division. The first division will secure the beachhead and allow time for some heavier equipment to be brought up. While armour will be important to repel any heavy counter attack, for the most part heavy armour will be a hindrance in the densely populated urban areas. It would be best to have light tanks and self-propelled artillery, with a few heavier tanks available to conduct coordinated attacks on strong enemy positions.

An ideal landing spot can be found just east of Northport Bay at the adjacent Crab Meadow Park, Indian Hills Country Club and Sunken Meadow State Park. While the south-eastern portion of this coast-line is marshy, the north western areas, around the golf-courses, have large open areas and massive parking lots just off the beach that will allow for easy movement of heavy equipment. Once a beachhead is established, smaller elements will need to move north to capture the US Coastguard Station on Duck Harbour Island, while other units will move south down Fort Salonga Road to secure the rail station and lines off E. Northport Road in Kings Park.

Sunday the 19th of August would be a good D-Day, as the tide will be almost seven feet just after 4am which will allow your first wave LSTs to get fairly close in to the shore. Within a few hours, once a beachhead and foothold are established, elements of one mobile infantry division will seize Macarthur airport, while the armour and other mobile infantry move via the Long Island Expressway through to the west before splitting up to take control of the ConEdison power plant and LaGuardia Airport on the north shore, as well as the shipping facilities located in New York Harbour. Engineers and support troops can then be brought up to the airports, allowing supply and reinforcement to be deployed by long-range transport aircraft.

invasion plan

Air support will be utilized to destroy bridges, rails and roadways leading into New York City, especially those that lead across the Hudson River, while fleet based gunships can be used for recon as well harassment of any enemy troop formations in the open.

In this campaign, the most important thing to remember is speed; get ashore, find your means of transport and move west. Only key points like airfields and port facilities need to be held. Other infrastructure can be destroyed, though it will be important to minimize collateral damage and civilian casualties.

It is likely that there would be little resistance, allowing for high mobility. Your forces should be able to reach the East River within three days and begin setting up a first prepared position near the Hell’s Gate bridge in north-west Queens. This is the only rail bridge between Long Island and the mainland that is strong enough to carry your heavy armour. These, acting in concert with mobile infantry and air support, will be able flank north into the Bronx, to surround the island of Manhattan. With all automotive bridges and tunnels bombed, Manhattan will be effectively isolated. Heavy air support, operating from LaGuardia can establish air superiority over the harbour, allowing ships to move up the Hudson.

At this point, the civic leaders of Manhattan should be offered the choice of surrendering the city without bloodshed. This would be ideal, as the close, urban areas of Manhattan would make for chaotic CQC, which would make air or artillery support impossible. Should the city resist, it will be necessary to invade. This will slow you down. Two to three weeks of shelling, coupled with air bombardment and sorties by air cavalry troops will weaken the city and its infrastructure.

There should be few enemy troops in New York City, though there may be a large, but poorly armed and disorganized insurgency. One solution to this problem would be to order a civilian evacuation; round up all the citizens and force them to march along all major roads out of the city. Not only will this clear out many insurgents and make them more easy to identify, it will also choke the roads with refugees, delaying any enemy counterattack.

At this point you will have succeeded in your invasion. Congratulations, you have conquered New York City. Secure all important infrastructure like power plants, storage depots and communications centers and procure supplies and billets for your troops. With New York’s harbour and airports secured, the Theatre C-in-C will be able move more reinforcements and supplies with ease. Now that your objective has been met, you should probably discuss this with the Theatre Commander and find out the best way to proceed.

Historigon: Aphros 2007

Historigon

During This Month in History:

2004 AD: Christian radio shock jock Clive van Wallen offends his listeners by having an unmarried couple who engage in intercourse with each other on his show.

2001 AD: Two praying mantises in the jungles of Brazil discover too late the folly of lesbian intercourse in their species.

1999 AD: Due to a typo in a company memo, Innetech programmers accidentally upgrade their banking software for the Y3K changeover.

1995 AD: Alan Greenspan spots a penny on 3rd Avenue but decides to leave it in circulation.

1976 AD: Gerald Ford continues to look and act like a high school football player.

1957 AD: The Inklings, an African-American Doo-Wop ensemble, record the first-ever heavy metal record. Unfortunately, the master recordings are lost in an office fire.

1945 AD: Though Isoku does learn that WWII has ended, as a joke, he decides to stay hidden in the jungles of Guam for thirty four years.

1918 AD: Former American President Theodore Roosevelt pens an editorial in the Cincinnati Sun-Standard expounding upon the benefits of jogging in place.

1904 AD: Using his cunning, and almost mystic powers, Rasputin convinces Dmetri to do the dishes, even though it was clearly Rasputin’s turn.

1891 AD :Elderly chimney sweep Dick Troppin dies of black lung disease, but not before passing on his vast knowledge to the young Pip.

1854 AD: Lt. George Herbert, the 626th member of Light Brigade, who missed the charge due to a broken leg, asks Tennyson to mention him in the poem anyway.

1775 AD: Some Spanish guys pass out from overconsumption of pulque, founding the town of Tucson, Arizona.

1650 AD: After banning Christmas, Lord Protector Cromwell attempts to appease the people by creating Puritan Day; a day of fasting, prayer, and self:denial, featuring twenty three and a half hours of church.

1401 AD: Klaus Störtebeker, history’s first and only German pirate, lands and attacks a hedge in a drunken frenzy.

1327 AD: Mongol warriors build a tiny, four foot pyramid of mouse heads.

1275 AD :While strolling past the court jester, Edward Longshanks inspires England’s first stiltwalker.

999 AD: Aelfrydd Vhesther of Wales builds the world’s largest sod mound at the time.

726 AD: Emperor Seibu of Japan sees two men wrestling and decides he’d like it better if they were overweight and mostly nude.

315 AD: In preparation of their slaughter of the population of Alexandria, Caracalla’s troops burn a model made of straw and mud.

67 AD: St. Peter complains that all the blood is rushing to his head and that he’s really uncomfortable. The Roman guards ignore him.

178 BC: In response to Rome threatening them with invasion if they don’t stop bugging the Lycians, the people of Rhodes join together on the beach for a group raspberry as the Roman envoy arrives.

322 BC: Ptolemy has a wonderful robe made for him in Memphis.

420 BC: Herodotus completes his nine volume History of Footwear, but no copies survive to this day.

500 BC : Gautama has sex with his wife, though only in moderation.

2600 BC: Amahretep the Sun Priest, ignoring instructions, just cuts open a corpse’s head to scoop the brains out.

5200 BC: Arshut, the world’s first homosexual, wishes that someone else was gay too.

10,845 BC: After trading a hunter a leopard skin for a night with Nambar the Large Bosomed, Nam the Prostitute Handler becomes the first pimp.

43, 003 BC: No one in the clan suspects that Furdu is secretly hoarding coconuts.

The March of Progress: Aphros 2007

corndog

Years of laboratory and statistical analysis have led to consensus in the scientific community on the subject of corndogs. The Corndog Tastiness Theory stood up to every scrutinizing test devisable and has now been declared a law of nature, taking a place alongside motion and thermodynamics to form the triumvirate pinnacle of scientific achievement.

There is still some dispute on the development of corndogs. Why did they only appear in the late Nineteenth Century? Was there some physical mechanism suppressing their creation? Hardnosed researchers, resembling film noir detectives more than scientists, have at last untangled this daunting enigma.

Axes & Alleys spoke with Professor Samantha Blockart, whose latest paper (co-authored with graduate student Sydney Favre) has sent shockwaves through the laboratories, universities and research-o-toriums of the world. It’s hard to imagine that this fedora-wearing, trench coat wrapped scientific maven, unassuming in most regards, could have finally solved this riddle through her Anti-Corndog Development Radiation Hypothesis, which states that a previously unknown form of energy created by the existence of Vikings prevented the creation of the delectable treat.

“It’s impossible to believe that a wonderful, tasty, self-contained comestible such as the corndog would not have been invented earlier in human history,” says Blockart. “Early peoples had meat and corn, and could easily have created the corndog. Yet all the evidence points to the Fletcher brothers introducing the batter-dipped meat sausage on a stick in 1942.” She concluded that “the means to do this existed beforehand, so why were they not created?”

“See, after looking at this proud progenitor of the moist, juicy dogs we enjoy today, it hit me: corndogs weren’t developed until after Scandinavians stopped going viking, creating polities in their homelands and colonies across the sea. Somehow, Viking warriors prevented corndog development. Nowhere in the sagas do we find a king outlawing corndog research, so it follows that the Scandinavians didn’t even know they were standing in the way of corndogs. The only answer is that by plundering monasteries and raping women from the North Sea to the Mediterranean, they were creating an emission of some sort of energy that prevented corndogs. It’s the only possible explanation.”

For five years, Blockart and her graduate research team have investigated every site of Scandinavian incursion and settlement from Norway and Denmark, to Eastern England and even the old midden heaps of Dublin. They spent several seasons cataloguing artefacts and scanning them with advanced equipment such as eyes and hands.

Their findings have been overwhelmingly positive, as not a single fragment found throughout the Scandinavian regions has any detectable trace of Anti-Corndog radiation, proving that in the ten centuries following the cessation of large scale raids by Scandinavians, all the energy had dissipated. So powerful was this energy that it took more than a thousand years to fade, allowing the development of corndogs to begin in the 1920s.

Mr. Favre said that we should all thank Christianity for the corndog “Without the centralizing authority of the Church, as well as the cultural influence and increased military strength of the Northern and Western Europeans, the Scandinavians wouldn’t have discovered how much nicer it was to settle down, do some farming, and enjoy intercourse with willing, monogamous partners.”

After pulling a fresh corndog from the warming carousel Dr. Blockart has running in her office, Mr. Favre concluded “because of that, their Anti-Corndog Development Radiation eventually disappeared, leading to us being able to enjoy wonderful, wonderful corndogs.” At which point, Mr. Favre took a bite of his corndog with gusto.