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Volume 456-BR8: Issue 09
Axes & Alleys: Winner of the 1987 Bingo Championship!
For many years now, Axes & Alleys has been offering its readers free stickers with each issue, and as long as the world’s supply of adhesive holds out, we’ll continue to do so. It’s our pleasure.
Of course, the designs do have use beyond simple sticking (adhesion). They can also be tattoos. So, we’ve decided that the first five people to get a tattoo of one of our stickers and provide us with a photograph, will receive five American dollars in cash and a taco.
Not too shabby a deal. Not too shabby at all. So go out there, dear readers, and get inked.
Tiberium Cover Girl Roxie Epoxie is a
singer and performer. She is made of
molded plastic and has charts and graphs.
Tiberium Issue Premiere
There are over 300,000 kinds of pasta. We don’t touch on any of them in this month’s issue of the magazine. Oh no, this is a pasta-free issue. We’re quite tired of pasta. It’s a bit gummy, covered in sauce, and doesn’t come in any higher-dimensional shapes.
Really, pasta kind of makes us angry. That red sauce? It sucks. Alfredo, BOOOOORING. Pesto gets stuck to the backs of our throats and makes us gag.
In that light, why not download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.
The Sticker Page!
Classified Advertisements
CELEBRATE!
The first annual Gay Humble Month Bingo Spectacular is coming to Omaha! To participate, please write Bishop David McClurkle at Omaha 1st Episcopal Church, Omaha, NB.
WANTED
Rectangular puzzle with more than 100 pieces, more than 650 edge pieces, 300 inside pieces, and 16 corners. Will pay top pfennig! Nancy Bramble
101 Airborne Division Rd. Apt. E. Currahee, AC
FOR SALE
Magazines. You pick the number (up to 19), I pick the publications and issues. Only $72, up to 12% off news stand prices (not adjusted for inflation)! Call Sanders Nickzon at 776-426-8997
WANTED
Footage of Fiona Apple’s last boyfriend talking to her on the phone. He mentions a farmers’ market somewhere and I can’t remember where nor how to find the video again. May be located somewhere on the internet. Please call Lemmy Ramone a godbag.
FOR SALE
The bones of Dr. Lyman Hall of Georgia, signer of the Delcaration. Recently disinterred illegally from his burial place in Augusta, GA. Original pulverized lime coating included. Will trade for the femur of Aaron Burr, or sell for $6750. James K. Chesterton, 825 Johns Rd., Augusta, GA, 30904.
FOR SALE
Nazi-themed hamburger stand. Includes griddle, cheese machine, and bun toaster. Deep fryer also included, but no lard. $45 dollars. Transport not included. Call Nazi Hamburgers, Inc., Bestoria, MV.
FOR RENT
Man in Viking costume. Will pose for images needed for magazine articles or pin up calendars. Call Marshall at 91-853-7741.
WANTED
A heroin candy bar. I prefer something with nougat and chocolate, but no nuts please. Unless they’re pistachios. There’s not really very many pistachio candies. Just that ice cream. But I don’t want heroin in my ice cream. Charles Krauthammer, Box 75.
FOR SALE
Delicious lime flavored spackling paste. Highly toxic. G.P. Henning, 67 Bignal St. Harper’s Lap, AC.
FOR SALE
Crayfish salad. Five tonnes available in fifty gallon drums. Some expired but most good. Don’t eat the brownish parts. No, sir. Halbone Salad Drum Warehouse. Hippen, PA.
WANTED
Disassembled helicopter where the parts are stored in pillowcases and labeled alphabetically. Will pay up to $1000 or trade for Bolivian postage stamps. Petey, Box 203.
WANTED
Family in Spain wishes to lease one boat for use on Tuesday crabbing expaditions to the Azores. Azore crabs are more delicious than the other crabs of the world. Hacienda Lopez, 83-292-19-1-10293-183. Ext. 282.
FOR LEASE
Crab. One claw slightly larger than the other. Moves sideways. Red in color. $20.00 per year, minimum of four years. Please present Crab Leasing License and proof of residency. Serious inquiries only. Hab’s Crabs. Pleasing, PD.
FOR SALE
Two-hundred and seven thousand Paul Newman “Newman’s Own Popcorn” promotional alarm clocks. Free two-inch paint roller included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.
POSITION AVAILABLE
Two Finnish women needed to sort screwdrivers for $30.00 per hour. Part time only, one hour per week. Bestco Tool Co. Office of Human Resources. Katharinetowne, WD.
WANTED
Life-sized Sopwith Camel replica made out of muenster cheese with cracker propeller. Must be delivered by Tuesday for my WWI aviation themed wine and cheese party. Laura Peacock, no. 71.
FOR SALE
Box of cocker spaniel hair. Mostly brown. $2.00, or best offer. Roman Polanski, Box 2.