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Letters: June 2004
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dear Sirs,
I would like to write a letter to express my gratitude to you for possessing the boldness necessary to publish last month’s superb article “Picturesque Waynesboro, Georgia.” Why, I was so impressed with your article that I decided to take my vacation there this year. My lesbian-life-partner Trudy and I had a wonderful time enjoying all the exciting things that Waynesboro had to offer. We especially enjoyed The Wet Spot and Rock the Box, two of the city’s many lovely lesbian bars. The highlight of our trip was when we got to see Elvis Bussard, one of our favorite drag kings, perform the Andy Williams’ song “Moon River.” What a treat! Thanks a bunch for your article, I look forward to more fun from your magazine in the future.
Love in Christ,
Angela C. MacArthur
To Whom This Might be of Concern:
It has occurred to me that July 1st of this year will be the nine hundred and seventh anniversary of the Battle of Dorylaeum (Eskisehir), fought between the Turkish forces of Kilij Arslan, Seljuk Sultan of Rum and the Crusaders under Bohemond of Taranto. Truly the Novcentetseptennial of this important battle demands serious recognition within the pages of your publication. Why, if the Crusaders had not won this battle, how could they have subsequently captured the city of Antioch? Where then would our modern world be? On our block we will be having a barbeque and cake walk to commemorate this event, because we must always remember the sacrifices of those who fought to conquer foreign lands and suppress unfamiliar religions. We must never forget that these noble Christian invaders defeated the Saljuks, directly leading to the collapse of the Ottoman empire a mere eight centuries later.
Thank you.
Warmest Regards,
Maximilian “Mac Attack” Smythe-Horowitz
Dear Publishers of Axes and Alleys,
Recently I have discovered a device which can imbue kangaroos with telekinetic powers. I call in the Pneunguin, because I already registered that name back when I was trying to come up with a pneumatic penguin. Unfortunately I happened to invent the kangaroo thing first, so that’s that I guess.
Love,
Arthur Gordon (Mrs.)
Dear People,
I would like to point out that across this land, criminals who violate laws, have no respect for the social contract. Convicted convicts and felons who commit crimes should be held accountable for their criminal actions in courts and court-like institutions.
As a legally abiding law abider, I think that these criminals should take crime more seriously. Not only does crime violate the law, but it is an infraction against the penal code. Judges and juries should take more time out of their busy schedules to try these convicts and convict them.
Crime would not be such a terrible thing in our society if we had fewer criminals, felons, convicts, lawbreakers, and offenders. Perhaps we should remember that the next time we go to the polls to vote in an election. Otherwise, criminals will be free to violate the legal laws without repercussions.
Delores Pogrot-Grunion-Habberdan
Volume 456-BR7 Issue 4
Axes & Alleys: No Longer Available in Finland as Dictated by the Papacy
A Special Commemorative Issue
Celebrating Fifty Years of Underpants
While we here at Axes and Alleys normally shy away from specialized issues and other cheap tricks, we have recently realized that such tricks do actually enable us to sell more issues. Hence our new policy of putting photographs of nearly nude women on our cover. And hence this, a specialized commemorative issue.
Of course, we will never fail to bring you the best in tractor repair and maintenance information, but now all our up-to-date, highly informative, tractor-related articles will also feature flashy graphics, big colorful ads and lots of pictures of scantily clad women.
Welcome to the new era for Axes & Alleys and join us as we celebrate 50 Years of wonderful underpants. Cheers.
Advertisements (Classified): May 2004
WANTED
16th Dalai Lama. Must be below the age of 4, Tibetan of exiled parents and imbued with the soul of the original Dalai Lama at the same time as the 14th and 15th Dalai Lamas. Must no be related to the Panchen Lama, the Nustro Lama or the Origishi Lama. No joke Alpaca submissions please. $50 U.S. or best offer. Contact His Holiness, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama; Lhasa.
FOR SALE
Full set of 27 dominoes. 30 pesos Call Lee at 998-2122
FOUND
Social Security Card. Made of metal with name Kermit James on front. Will withhold SSN for now. Call Ernie 405-205-9541
FOR RENT
One bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Must be returned full and unopened. Best offer. Write to Jules McKenzington 24 Boynton Way Northbridge, MV
FOR RENT
The contents of my briefcase. 65 cents a day plus all applicable local, state and federal taxes and tariffs. 1 Proctor Business District, Cubicle 1.
WANTED
One portly woman. No questions asked. Must be portly or no deal. Send photo, resume and stats to Clifford Brownlee c/o Menizen Sanitarium.
FOR SALE
One song. Available for a song. No posers, please. Box 6492
FOR SALE
Secret of fire. Contact Prof. M. Theus through prayer.
LOST
Four pet marmosets. Male and female. Call Sven, Hladenkog, Norway.
WANTED
One half monkey. Must be the right half and must be dyed blue. Will pay $45.21. Call Ed, ask for Bill’s number, he’ll give it to you.
FOR SALE
376 Heads of cattle. Without bodies. Free can of corn included. Write to Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The Homosexual Musher’s Society of West Dakota is holding its annual convention in Hermule, Kalisotta this year. Get ready for five days of fun in the sun, dancing, the world’s most erotic marzipan contest and much more. Must be a member to participate. For more information visit www.wdma.org.
LOST
One department store mannequin lamp. No shade. Please report to Katharinetowne Police Department.
WANTED
Part-time arch-fiend to complement my costumed vigilante alter-ego on weekends. Possible party gigs a plus if good work done. Must be evil genius with funds to match. Call Artie “the Moleman” Moelman 345-6757
LOST
16 ounces of Serious Putty. Purchased with last of rent money for my only son’s birthday. Why God, oh why?
FOR SALE
Brand new indulgences. Only the best of this season’s indulgences are available at Papal Warehouse and Spa. Route 15 by the Neptune Society Cremation Lodge
FREE GIVEAWAY
25 Gideon Bibles. New and unused. Still with Gideon Society bookmark! Sharpe Creek Motel 35 Kentonville Way Oak’s Neck, AG 49268
FOR LEASE
Horseless carriage. New 7 horsepower, two cylinder, internal-combustion engine included. Call Cyrus Pokorny 342-1717
WANTED
Brand-new, world-changing, synergistic technology for license. Must be able to claim credit for technological innovation for a duration of 15 years. This will save my marriage. Price negotiable. email crumbley@vorgotronsubkinematicscybercorp.com
FOR SALE
Used breast implants. No longer needed by previous owners. Cornish County Morgue Bliven, TR 66605
ANNOUNCEMENT
Sliers and Sliers Law Firm opening offices in area. Specializing in post-mortuary recovery issues, lapsed intellectual property rights and poultry law. An experienced law firm is your best ally in court. Make sure that ally is us, Sliers and Sliers, your poultry law specialists!
WANTED
Ohio. Will pay any price. Particulars negotiable. Contact French Embassy (Also seeking Michigan and Illinois (would also like any land sold as Louisiana Purchase (also portions of Mexico (perhaps wayward portions of New France)))).
FOR RENT
One ton of wood pulp to be returned as finished paper product. Free keychain to first customer. Morland Paper Company Mooseknot, WV 23456
FOR SALE
One half a monkey. Left half. Has been dyed orange. Call Thespis
718-682-0093, ext.72###2.
FOR SALE
Meaning of life. I can only afford a two line
Kosher Taco House Buffet Express
Semi-Free Delivery!
401 Dervish Rd. Bestoria.
(771)-662-0990
Nearly No MSG
Health Inspec-
Shanghai Garden Kosher Taco House Buffet Exress
CHECK OUT OUR WEEKLY SPECIALS (SERVED DAILY)
Only 5.95, plus applicable state, federal and local tax, import fees and duties.
MONDAY: Lobster Enchilada Stir-fry
TUESDAY: Chili Cheese Lo Mein
WEDNESDAY: Imitation Crab-Meat and Radish Quessedias
THURSDAY: General Tsao’s Linguini Con Queso
FRIDAY: Country Fried Steak Taco w/ garlic cream sauce
SATURDAY: Bratwurst Dim Sum a la Marinara
SUNDAY: Peking Duck Lasagna with Pesto Meatloaf Fajitas
Above served with choice of braised potato, sauerkraut, or hummus pickle, and choice of barbeque or ranch style dipping sauce (Substitute cottage cheese for jarlsberg for 50 cents)
Add a cup of Garlic Chicken Bisque or Liverwurst Chowder for only 1.99!
ENTREES
Served with radish salad, hummus, pickles and choice of potato salad or goat fried rice.
Chow Fan Paprikash…………………………………………….8.95
Baloney and Muenster Cheese Spring Rolls…………….9.77
Pickled Herring and Cornbeef Lasagna…………………..9.77
Spicy Egg Manicotti con Carne……………………………..8.97
Fried Pork Calzone w/ salsa and jalapenos……………..12.81
Boiled Beef Enchiladas w/ garlic and oil………………..11.71
Barbeque Shrimp Spatzel……………………………………..14.82
Horseradish and Tuna Pizza…………………………………8.23
Cabbage Catatori Quiche Burrito………………………….10.08
A LA CARTE
Barbeque Chicken Knish……………………………1.29
Spaghetti with Matzo Balls…………………………4.67
Penne a la Vermouth………………………………….4.56
Perch Ptarmigan Burrito……………………………..8.71
Soywurst and Cucumber Pananni
(served with vegan salsa mayonnaise)…………..7.61
Fakin’ Bacon Taco with Red Lollo
and vegan cottage cheese substitute………………3.41
Side of pickled eggs (3)………………………………1.00
Side of carrot shavings and yogurt parfait……..1.98
Lemmon Cinnamon Pudding……………………….2.00
Rhubarb Cheesecake…………………………………..2.99
BEVERAGES
Clamato (hot or iced)……………………………………………1.29
Beet Juice……………………………………………………………1.29
Fresh Squeezed Fresca………………………………………….1.89
Bottled Tap Water………………………………………………..1.99
Beer:
Budwizir, Heileitler, Gi Sum………………………..3.00 Bottles
Wine:
Manischewitz Blackberry Zinfandel………………4.50 Glass
