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Poetriumphs
by the Master of Words
H.G. Peterson
H.G. Peterson, a former show girl and librarian, was recently busted down to Middle Management for conduct unbecoming of a poet. Once he met Calvin Coolidge at a charity cake walk.
“Humble Deductions on a Rainy Cyan Day”
I
Yes, the first’s the most famous, there can be no doubt
For the abridgement of freedom it so rules out
Assembly, speech, religion, petition and press
A good amendment to have, so I must confess
II
The second’s the topic of a lot of debate
From those who love firearms and those filled with hate
The right to keep and bear arms is clearly stated
It’s still being continually debated
III
Then there is the third that is so often ignored
It concerns troops, specifically their room and board
So when a weary soldier goes to rest his head
You can be sure as hell it is not in my bed
IV
Number four is why a warrant’s needed by cops
To search your person, papers, effects, house or crops
No searches or seizures without probable cause
And Congress can make no contradictory laws
V
That there Fifth Amendment is a wonderful thing
It says even a caged bird does not have to sing
Double jeopardy’s banned and due process stated
Habeas Corpus declared, grand juries created
VI
The right to fair trial in criminal prosecutions
That good number six is one of the perfect solutions
Confront your accuser, even though he be large
You’ll be sure to know each and every last charge
VII
Seven sounds silly in modern comprehension
Even during the height of our Nation’s Depression
Jury and judge examine the case without hollers
In any case brought which exceeds twenty dollars
VIII
Eight makes sure you don’t pay too much money
When you go do something wrong there, sonny
It won’t cost too much for you to get out of jail
Because this amendment prevents too much bail
IX
With all these rights protected each line by line
You’ll be sure to like jolly old number nine
‘Cause listing rights protected in this Bill of Rights
Can’t keep others from out of the people’s sights
X
Good Ten keeps rights flowing at a really high rate
When the powers not reserved are devolved to each State
If the Fed doesn’t have them, the States have the might
And thus ends the magnificent U.S. Bill of Rights
The March of Progress: October 2005
A Field of Inestimable Certitude
by Dick R. Gordonson
Dick R. Gordonson is the Unified Nations Special Envoy on Old Studies and Residual Neologism Removal. He received his Associates Degree from the Monstylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts, his Bachelors Degree from the Greater Platha Non-Correspondence University (satellite campus), a Masters Degree in Social Studies from Columbia University, his first PhD in Foliage from MCATDA and his second PhD in Rocks from Kalisotta Communal University and Ranch. He is also possessed of a law degree from The Law School™ and is in residency at Downtown Berlin Connecticut Hospital in downtown Berlin, Connecticut.
Modern archaeological methods have taken a long road trip ahead in the century passed. From primitive, quite barbaric methods of discovery and acquisition which barely touched upon learning about our predecessors, archeologists have grown into a group of scientists. No longer the brigands of the past, these Footsoldiers of History have taken upon their shoulders a great burden and turned their backs on the ArchaeoHordes of the early to mid-Twentieth Century. Continue reading
Cartoon-O-Graphs
Of a Political Nature
For many across our Nation, the inauguration of President Armstrong is a cause for celebration. For others (Communists, pinko-subversives, malcontents) it is something else entirely. Regardless of which side of the political field you choose to call home, you can be sure that there are savvy political cartoonists out there ready to illustrate your views in pen and ink. One day, some scientists speculate, political cartoons, or “propogandagrams” may even be funny. Enjoy these, gathered from newspapers around the nation.
Pundits Wrong!
Axes & Alleys Triumphs Again!
Recently, the editors of Axes & Alleys received a comunique from Philip Warner, the principal of Lithium Picnic Studios insinuating that his photographs of his beloved companion Apnea should not grace the pages of the World’s Greatest Tractor Related Publication. Thus, we were forced to replace several pictures due to his belief that Axes & Alleys wasn’t good enough for his lady-friend.