A Field of Inestimable Certitude
by Dick R. Gordonson

Dick R. Gordonson is the Unified Nations Special Envoy on Old Studies and Residual Neologism Removal. He received his Associates Degree from the Monstylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts, his Bachelors Degree from the Greater Platha Non-Correspondence University (satellite campus), a Masters Degree in Social Studies from Columbia University, his first PhD in Foliage from MCATDA and his second PhD in Rocks from Kalisotta Communal University and Ranch. He is also possessed of a law degree from The Law School™ and is in residency at Downtown Berlin Connecticut Hospital in downtown Berlin, Connecticut.

Modern archaeological methods have taken a long road trip ahead in the century passed. From primitive, quite barbaric methods of discovery and acquisition which barely touched upon learning about our predecessors, archeologists have grown into a group of scientists. No longer the brigands of the past, these Footsoldiers of History have taken upon their shoulders a great burden and turned their backs on the ArchaeoHordes of the early to mid-Twentieth Century.

To really get an understanding of this progress in human understanding, learning and courage, let us take a look at those past methods.

The skulking forebears of today’s proud Learning Legions were a motley lot. Many did not even possess a respectable degree of higher learning. Often the tools of the trade involved a pistol, sabotage, leather and locksmith’s tools. The goals of people who use such tools are dubious and one can imagine those same implements in the hands of simple thieves. It’s astounding to believe that modernity emerged from this colloquy of ineptitude.

Whether it be “removing statuary for study,” trading bottle caps and pen knives for extensive collections of jewels, spawning war to create a chaotic landscape in which precious artifacts could be taken, passing on a bit of fruit to be guided to holy relics, robbing the sheik’s daughter of her virginity while robbing the tribe of its wooden god Zazu, or fighting fascists throughout the Continent, the barbaric methodology rarely led to conclusive discovery or learning. Nothing of historic note was ever discovered by early-modern or modern soldiery, but most of that early lot belonged in Army Group South, not the Platoon of Progress (Educational).

Adventures in Sand: Just before the Discovery of the Great Native American Machine.

Those first expeditions can be considered little more than raids upon the holy places of the downtrodden. Perhaps the myriad traps and secret vaults laid out by our ancestors should have been a clue to this buffoonish oafery that they were not desired. Secret vaults are made for a reason and that reason is to be carefully cataloged by the future and placed in museums, not broken open and plundered by glory-chasing fedora jockeys.

Now, to pull this discussion into the modern era, we shall talk about the truly advanced and complex methodology of our Modern Era, replete with its cavalcade of noble martyrs of science and saints of knowledge who sacrifice countless hours in the quest for truth, not financial acquisition or personal aggrandizement and agenda.

The tools of the trade have been created after much experimentation, advancement and practice. When a site of interest is found, the archaeologist uses such things as wooden dowels and coarse string to make a grid of the area. Such materials may cost upwards of several dollars. Each square is tagged with a small card-stock marker and affixed with twist ties (one funny anecdote recalls one of Our master’s hapless early mistakes in identifying the old African kingdom of Kangaba as the place where twist ties originated).

The truly amazing part of the process comes next. Using a small metal garden trowel, the archaeologist and his team (which can often be three people) gently, slowly, carefully remove soil from the grid one layer at a time. This process can take months as, at the removal of every square inch or so, the area is photographed, drawn, documented in writing and reported to local authorities. It has become a point of pride in “the Community” as to how slowly one can excavate a square foot of ground. Several dozen artifacts have been found in this manner.

Modern technology has made transport and analysis much easier than in the past. Rather than simply slipping objects into one’s pocket or the saddle bag of a horse and running for the border as fast as possible, modern archaeologists have the protection of the Unified Nations to protect them (a task formerly undertaken by the United Nations) and advanced re-sealable baggie technology. These items can then be transported through the countryside in boxes containing Styrofoam® nodules safely and quickly.

Also, today, our Sage Soilrackers have adopted the enlightened “season” system. Work progresses throughout a lengthy three months. Often something is found in this time period. The other nine months of the year can be used for analysis, teaching and leisure. Remember, it took only a few months to write and publish “Clay Shard 2F: The Great Culture of Soil Level 3K-T.” What an explosive work that was!

From the earliest charlatans to the Intellectual Icons of our age, archaeology moved from the doldrums of international intrigue and speculation to the hallowed position it holds today as the World’s preëminent vehicle of scientific excitement. No longer clad in leather and packing heat, today’s Archangels of the Past continue to excite and expand knowledge wearing simple cotton trousers and plaid. Technology has made the work more glamorous. Methodology has created an environment concerned with advance, not agenda. The barbarism of the past is dead. Archaeology is the amazing wave of the future. Ride the wave.