How to Do It: October 2005

With regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator R. Yadaris Sythe

Defending Yourself Against Alien Abductions

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According to recent research released by the National Institutes of Health, one in six Americans has been abducted by aliens from outer space. This rate of abduction is nearly twice that of people abducted by illegal aliens. Essentially, this information means that if you have not yet been abducted, you probably will be some time before next Tuesday.

We at Axes & Alleys remain ever vigilant in our defense of the good people of Earth. Experts in related fields (including chemistry and philosophy) have provided us a veritable laundry list of things that you can do to protect yourself against alien abductions.

Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be certain that the only person probing your rectum will be Carla from the escort service.
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Histronomics

by Dr. Scott Birdseye
Religion of The Chanjrinites

Scott Birdseye

Dr. Scott Birdseye is a globally recognized expert on Sumerian pottery. His most recent work Rock Singer Shirley Manson and Sumerian Pottery: A Global Perspective has been on the New York Times Bestseller List for a record three thousand eight hundred and twenty seven weeks.

From the Morthis Passage in the west, on the far end of the gently sweeping plains of Yahm, to the Phlenian Sea in the east, below the high cliffs of the plateau of the Plenne, to the high mountains which rise in the north as a wall against the barbarians, across the whole of our realm, in every village and town, despite the different people, languages and nations, there exists one common thread which unites us all; the reverence held toward Chanjrina.

Belief in Chanjrina is as old as the most venerable records of yore, spoken of even in the first carvings on the Monoliths of Traal in the ancient valley of Mistipuck. Throughout the land, in their own individual ways, differing slightly from tribe to tribe, the people hold tightly to their beliefs in the same Gods, those mighty heroes of Chanjrina.

The religion of Chanjrina is a complicated belief system incorporating thousands of different views into one common system. In each tribe different Gods are worshiped, different texts are read, and different artifacts are held sacred, but the basic tenets of the religion hold true throughout the realm. Family, virtue, the sacred Laws laid down in the Text of Horrus Pollus, the Gods of Chanjrina, and belief in the ultimate underlying force of Primah, are the most important elements which unify the diverse belief systems. Continue reading

Pundits Wrong!

Axes & Alleys Triumphs Again!

Recently, the editors of Axes & Alleys received a comunique from Philip Warner, the principal of Lithium Picnic Studios insinuating that his photographs of his beloved companion Apnea should not grace the pages of the World’s Greatest Tractor Related Publication. Thus, we were forced to replace several pictures due to his belief that Axes & Alleys wasn’t good enough for his lady-friend.

The joke is on him!

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Letters: October 2005

Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Axes and Alleys,

There are many ways in which lobsters are completely unlike humans. For one, humans have two legs while lobters have many. Plus, lobsters have an exoskeleton, on the outside, while humans have an internal endoskeleton. Also, humans do not live underwater.

Jack Koostoh.
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A Poetryitism

by Master H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson
H.G. Peterson is a deep-sea fisherman who is well known for his authorship of Cascading Walnuts: The US Occupation of Wysteria and its Socio-Economic Consequences.

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Untitled #4

The Marbles
Mark, Manda, Joe, Elias
Touch them

Dirty Angels
with faces
Strike and reverse

Seduce me
oh grandiose
chords powerful

Not another few
escapist
minutae of heart

Rather our citizenry
Expression,
deeplycover Avenged

Loth the Grande
Ohio
State your place

Rock lives
when
The Kids, they dance

Dangerous
broken youth have
no direction

Eight hours
an eternity
wait for it

Combustible liason
turn it upside
down