A Salute to Our Northern Neighbors

Canada is a nation that should have been located above 54º40’. It is the northernmost country and the second largest in area. It has pristine forests, abundant fisheries, wild Arctic-adapted peoples and a rather large tower. These and many other great things notwithstanding, it should be noted that Canada absurdly lacks a tradition of bushido.

Indeed at no point in Canadian history has there existed a single Shogunate. Astoundingly, there was never even a competing collection of nobles; each one seeking to gain dominion over Kyoto and the Imperial House. Canada has failed to have any Samurai at all and, except for a poorly-documented case in 1847, has not even had Ronin.

Often lauded for their participation in Allied operations during World War II, it is a hypocritically overlooked fact that the Canadians lacked any sense of kokutai. No accounts exist in all the extant documentation of that conflict wherein a Canadian kamikaze fulfilled his glorious destiny in the personal destruction of a German aircraft carrier. Nor, in any engagement, did the Canadian Fleet bloom as flowers in death.

Canada, while full of commerce, possesses no zaibatsu. Not a one! Failed Canadians never properly honour their families and cleanse themselves through the ceremony of hara kiri. Canada’s legislative body wasn’t even influenced, in part or in whole, by the German Reichstag.

Some Fun Facts About Canada

• Canada is not made up of the four major islands of Honshu, Hokkaido, Kyushu, and Shikoku.
• The Canadian flag does not show the Rising Sun, because its rulers did not descend from the Sun Gods at the dawn of time.
• Not once in Canadian history has a Divine Wind defended Canada from a Mongol invasion. Pretty sad considering the fact that some countries have had this happen twice.
• In the 1930s Canada did not set up a puppet state in Manchukuo.
• Canada never defeated Russia in the early part of the 20th Century; because of this Canada has never gained control of the Manchurian railroads.
• No Canadian ruler ever instituted the Meiji Restoration.
• When given the opportunity, Canada did not base its written language upon that of the Chinese.
• Famous National Film Board of Canada animator Norman McLaren never could get the hang of drawing larger than normal human eyes.
• The only MacArthur to visit Canada was the inanely-named Arthur MacArthur.
• No serious historian has ever written about Medieval Canada.
• In the face of common sense, no Canadian film maker has ever directed an Akira Kurosawa film. One country even managed to produce 32 Akira Kurosawa films.