Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

An Editorial

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From the Desk of Philip R. Dick

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Pants: The Scourge of Humanity

Did you know that roughly seventy-nine percent of people throughout the world wear pants on a regular basis? This is a horrible fact when you think about it. In actuality pants are nothing more than exceptionally-loose tights or bifurcated skirts. There are those who claim pants are just long shorts, but this is a silly opinion as shorts are just short long pants.

Pants were invented by a Mr. Pants of the Seventeenth Century, who first donned what were then called pantaloons. Since that day men everywhere, and some women, have been forced to exist under the Tyranny of the Pants. This is most unfortunate as pants are an uncomfortable and unreliable garment.

Did you know that 78.5% of criminals wore pants while committing their crimes? It is true, most criminals are men; men who wear pants. A minority of crimes are committed by skirt-wearing people. Is the problem of crime in society caused by pants? It can’t be proven definitively, but the statistics seem to show that perhaps all ills in society find their foundation in the wearing of pants.

When the climate is hot, pants are uncomfortable. Pants are not quite acceptable. Everyone knows that skirts are far more comfortable. Skirts allow for free air flow and even freer movement.

In battle, pants are restrictive while skirts allow you to defeat your enemies in comfort, and in the latest fashions. Let us not forget that the brave Spartans at Thermopylae were wearing skirts while their insidious Persian foes were clad in leather trousers.

Pants come in only a few styles, fabrics and colors. Skirts come in brand new styles each season; from the monochrome mini to the long, patterned and flowing, to the dark and metal-adorned bondage style. Skirts allow each individual to choose their own style and fashion. Whether you prefer the thin pencil skirt or the flowing, flowery style, you can be certain that there will always be a skirt available to best suit your own particular mood or personality.

Pants represent nothing but structure, limits and death. Skirts are about freedom. Skirts are about comfort. Skirts are about individuality. So, next time you want to feel special, why not give the pants a miss and try a skirt instead. 83% of Scotsmen would agree with you.

Katie Stalin Goes to the Ocean

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The Middle of the Atlantic Ocean- A funny thing happened to me on the way to Bermuda. You see, I was supposed to go to Bermuda to check out the local fishing industry. They catch quite a few wolf-man crabs around there, which I guess they shouldn’t call fishing, since crabs aren’t fish, but ah well, what are you gonna do? Nothing probably.

To get to Bermuda I booked a ticket for this cruise ship called The Splendor of Norway. It was totally nice and even had a lido deck. I have no idea what a lido is or why it needs its own deck, but still, it had a lido deck. We set sail from Miami on a Friday and the weather was all nice and sunny. That first day, after stowing my supplies in my room, I hit the deck and stretched out on a chair there to catch some rays.

Later, I made out with this guy I met at the buffet. There had to be three types of chowder and a guy who cut up the roast beef for you right there at the buffet table. It was a nice buffet, probably the fourth best buffet I’ve ever eaten at. No nachos though. I was having so much fun and we still had two days left till we reached Bermuda.

Okay, this is where it gets weird. It turns out there’s this three sided area called the Bermuda Triangle. I’d never even heard of it until The Splendor of Norway was halfway through it. And of course, wouldn’t you guess, the entire ship disappeared. Totally, it just vanished. Luckily I had had too many tequilas and had fallen overboard right before it blinked out of existence.

Fortunately a few bits of the ship survived, including a life raft which I took. There was a radio on board, but I couldn’t pick up any stations on it, there was some talk, but no good music or anything. It was solar powered. Neat. After a bit I got hungry so I unthreaded part of my shirt into a long string and made a hook out of my key ring. Yep, I caught some fish and ate them raw, just like sushi. Later, I drank some rain water.

Finally I got rescued by some passing Japanese fishermen. I don’t really know what Japanese fishermen were doing in the Atlantic. Though I did ask them if catching crabs was really fishing. They said it wasn’t at all. They said it was called crabbing. Just goes to show you that people in Bermuda don’t know what they’re talking about. Now, it’s Monday and I’m headed back to civilization. If you happen to spot The Splendor of Norway, you should alert the Coast Guard, and should you see that guy from the buffet table, give him my number okay.

katie stalin
Katie Stalin is an inquisitive girl and holds the record for the world’s prettiest ping-pong player. Her appetite for nachos is insatiable and she loves to collect interesting looking protractors.

News of the World: Caliguly 2006, Part II

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Tokyo, Japan– It seems somehow fitting that a war involving millions of soldiers battling across five continents should end with a simple gunfight outside a Tokyo nightclub and noodle house. With less than hundred shots fired between thirty police and eight of F’a Dommen’s elite Vermillion Guard, the Bad Guy supreme commander was captured, finally ending the war.

F’a Dommen had been on the run for nine days after fleeing in the aftermath of the Battle of Rangoon. The devious Bad Guy Commander was able to hijack a BL-104 “Floating Mushroom” Tactical Hot Air balloon, which he rode to safety. Landing in Taipei with eight of his Vermillion Guards, F’a Dommen snuck into Japan via a submersible watercraft and holed up in the Happy Garden Hotel and Noodle House. There, he set about planning his next move, but little did he realize that his time was nearly up.

Last Saturday night, F’a Dommen was betrayed when one of his elite body guards attempted to purchase a pair of Japanese school girl’s used underpants. Apparently he offered the clerk fifty crime cash, unaware that the underpants vendor only accepted crime yen (the official illegal Sinonipponesian currency). Official police reports state that there was a confrontation and the Vermillion Guard officer killed the underpants salesman and escaped with 60,000 crime yen and several soiled pairs of white cotton, size “S,” string bikini styled underpants.

Police gave chase immediately and eventually cornered the soldier as he attempted to meet up with his compatriots in the Mighty Glowing Robot Disco and Noodle House night club. The ensuing gun battle left three police and six Bad Guys dead and at 1:34 AM local time, Honorable Police Force Captain Ozawa Ichi announced that F’a Dommen had been captured, ending a world-wide manhunt.

Currently, the Bad Guys are being held in the Tokyo Prefecture Maximum Security Prison and Noodle House, awaiting extradition to The Hague for trial. F’a Dommen did issue a statement, written with green crayon as he is not allowed anything sharp. In it he vowed to escape and promised:

“You have not seen the last of the Bad Guys. You think you won the war, but you have not and we will never be defeated. There’s still our secret under-ground base in Antartica and you’ll never find, much less capture, the Bad Guy Drome and you don’t even know the location of the hidden Bad Guy Island. Know that I am Bad Guy Commander Arja F’a Dommen and I will have my revenge.”

Using satellite recon, the Good Guy Army was able to locate the Antartic base and neutralize it. Only hours later the “Bad Guy Island,” otherwise known as Manhattan, was found and the Bad Guy Drome in Tribeca was located and captured. The death ray that F’a Dommen had threatened to destroy Singapore with turned out to be a simple flashlight hooked up to a car battery. Fire department sources indicated that, even with the extra power, the flashlight posed no danger.