Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

The Fifty Worst Things to Find in Your Younger Brother’s Room

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1. A heartfelt letter from Richard M. Nixon congratulating him on faking the moon landing.
2. His script for the puppet show. You know, the ones where the puppets have sex. Yeah, that one.
3. Candid photos of yourself in the shower.
4. An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
5. The original, un-altered cut of the Zapruder film.
6. The world’s third largest collection of butt plugs.
7. Costumes for the Renaissance Fair.
8. Costumes for the Furry Convention.
9. A handwritten letter from the Shah of Iran, declaring a Fatwa against your family.
10. S&M porn.
11. S&M porn featuring farm animals and amputees.
12. Marijuana.
13. Heroin.
14. Seventy pounds of nitrogen based fertilizer.
15. A tactical nuclear weapon.
16. A bottle of estrogen and a copy of “Transexualism for Dummies.”
17. Walt Disney’s frozen corpse.
18. A fifty gallon drum full of human body parts.
19. A fifty gallon drum full of the president’s body parts.
20. Life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Golden Girls.
21. A den of rabid raccoons.
22. Saddam Hussein’s death rope.
23. The Home Stomach-Stapling kit.
24. A copy of the director’s cut of It’s a Wonderful Life, where, in the end, George Bailey decides to go ahead and
kill himself.
25. A hive of killer bees.
26. The collection of his Little Mermaid fan fiction.
27. President Armstrong underoos in their factory-sealed condition.
28. The Horticulturalist’s Guide to Scoring Women with Carnivorous Plants
29. Lemon-flavoured genital crabs powder.
30. A chimpanzee named Bubbles.
31. The Congolese fetish magazine Starved, HIV+ and Armed.
32. His proof about how we really do live in The Matrix and so can pretty much kill whomever we wish.
33. His altar to Jerry Lewis, but only as the Nutty Professor.
34. Voodoo dolls for fictional characters.
35. The Toxic Algal Bloom Beach Infection Kit (Extra Strength).
36. Mom’s desiccated remains.
37. An Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
38. Used tampons arranged in a grid.
39. An authentic, but improperly ventilated Mongolian barbecue.
40. Thousands of broken wishbones.
41. An application for a Claire’s franchise.
42. NAMBLA membership card.
43. Eunuchry Quarterly (a trade publication)
44. His collection of personal bodily fluids in mason jars, wherein the blood and urine are marked with happy
faces, but the semen is marked with sad faces.
45. Erotic gargoyle statuettes.
46. Flyers announcing a free peep show starring you for a $5 cover.
47. The Bible
48. His 50 compact disc collection of Uruguay’s greatest hits.
49. Love letters from the octogenarian across the street.
50. Mad scrawls on the walls written in Sharpie™ declaring that the daisies are coming for him.

Katie Stalin in the City of Brotherly Love

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stalin

If you want to have a ton of fun, then stay away from the bread factory I went to. It’s just ovens and big bowls and stuff, and no, no one told me that a bread factory is just a big kitchen. Like, I have a kitchen at home people. I don’t need to go see one. Sure, they give you free bread, but it was too hot to eat. Gee, thanks a lot.

It smelled pretty good, I guess, but it was still pretty stupid and there are a few crabby
old ladies wearing hair nets. Did you ever notice that hair nets make people look like they’ve got a big mole in their forehead? Me neither. Until I went to a bread factory. Actually, two of those ladies did have big, ugly, hairy moles on their foreheads. I think the hair nets were just to cover them up.

Luckily, there’s lots of other stupid stuff in Philadelphia so I didn’t have to spend my whole trip in a bread factory. During my two days in Philadelphia, I learned a lot. For instance, there’s this supposed rule that says “You broke it, you bought it.” Who even decided that that was gonna be the rule, and since when does it apply to Liberty Hall? See, I went to go see where our Nation (America) was born, so I visited Liberty Hall. Of course, yeah, it’s just a bunch of rooms, albeit with some nice wood panelling. But c’mon, I live in a house with rooms. I don’t need to pay money to see more rooms.

Then, this tour guide (yeah, like that’s a position of authority) tells me that I can’t drink in there. And it wasn’t even like I had a whole bottle, it was just a carton of cranberry juice mixed with vodka that I was sipping from discretely. Discretely! But no, this jerk, who had probably the gayest moustache I’ve ever seen, tries to take it from me. And I’m not about to let this douche take my vodka, and then I kicked his ass sort of. Actually, I got in some really nice blows before we fell over and knocked down a bunch of stuff. Yeah, these security and cops showed up, like it wasmy fault.

And this guy’s all like, you broke my bell. Oh, did I break your precious bell? Who cares about a bell? Well, a bunch of people apparently. They said I broke it, but that’s just wrong because it already had a big crack in the side. And why do you even need a bell still? My phone can make bell noises, but I don’t use that as my ringtone because bells are annoying. Either way, the expense account department at Axes & Alleys is gonna be pissed when they get the bill for that bell. Ah well, that’s why I’m a field reporter, so I can be out of office. That way they can’t yell at me.

I found this neat thing outside after the guards threw me out on my ass (literally!). They have these tricycles that float on the water! It’s the most amazing thing, ever. You just walk up to the guy, pay him some cash, and ride out onto the river. Of course there’s a catch, though. You can’t just go around knocking other tricycles over with that handy pole you found in an alley after coming out of Philadelphia’s most exclusive night club. Oh no! That’s just wrong. And they won’t refund your money.

Now, I’ve gotta go check out the Amazon jungle and see if that’s cool. I hear there are
some temples, and some naked tribesmen, and a group of folks who don’t even have a concept of the past. I bet you can slap them around and get forgiven pretty quick. Sounds exciting though, because it’s in South America, right near Mexico where they invented nachos.

Ask Montezuma: Gregor 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma
Aztec Emperor Montezuma is a member
of the Emperor Hall of Fame in Scranton.
While he has, in the past, claimed his
favorite soup was borscht, he has since
changed it to chicken with stars.

Dear Montezuma,
Has anyone ever been the victim of apathy?
Bertrand Russell
Purgatory, The After Life

Bertie, a recent study of global mortality rates over the last 4000 years has found the mortality rate due to apathy quite steady at “0 per 1000 people.” Even more staggering are the numbers when you expand the sample size, because at 1,000,000 the rate remains at 0. Comparatively, the mortality rate due to caring is a disastrous “a lot per 1000. (ibid.).”

Hi Montezuma,
I am scared. You see, because of the recent outbreak of viral Yacht Rot, which has already destroyed over 300 yachts, I’m worried about my yacht The Nothing But The Truth So Help Me God. She’s a fine boat and I’d like to make sure she doesn’t succumb to this nasty virus. Any tips or tricks?
David Sanders Muttonmere IV
Kennebunkport, ME

Tricks you say, DSMIV? I am astounded that someone could send such slanderous invective through the mails. I’ll have you know that never once have I resorted to trickery. Certainly there were accusations brought up in the civil suit a few years back, but under the conditions of the settlement of that case (which included this magazine allowing me to publish my column) I cannot speak more on the subject. Now, perhaps I’ve been hasty in judging your letter. You seem like a nice-enough fellow, so perhaps you simply heard this bit of drivel from another person. Please send their name and the time and location where they told you this to me, as well as a copy to the editors of this publication.

Dear Montezuma,
Which is better: hooded sweatshirts or unhooded sweatshirts?
P. Esther Clemens
Labia County, Dry Michigan

Esther, it would behove you to take a peek at an English grammar book or two. You see, when you are referring to something in the plural, the proper being verb would be “are” in this instance. I find this all the more puzzling due to your proper usage of the colon. The colon is a lovely punctuation mark suitable for denoting a list of things, separating a book’s title from its sub-title, or making a formula work across several cells in Excel. Much better than that bastard semi-colon, if you ask me.

Montezuma,
In The Epoxies song “Molded Plastic,” lead singer Roxy Epoxie says that she is, among other things, made of molded plastic, that her eyes are “blue electric,” and that her circuits are “unwired.” Is Roxy Epoxie a robot?
Andy Woggin
Mispelled, OT

Roxy Epoxie is definitely not a robot and I am terribly vexed by the continued queries regarding the robotic status of female rock musicians. In any case, this sounds less like a racialist letter full of bigotry and more like a misunderstanding of the concept of metaphor. Many lyricists employ metaphor in order to make a point. So do poets. For instance, in Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn” the urn is really a stand-in for sausages, with which Keats’ was obsessed. “What little town by river or sea-shore, Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel, Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?” You see, sausages are rivers or sea-shores of meat stuffed into citadels of intestines or artificial sausage skins, which are then emptied of their meaty townsfolk by the person consuming the sausage. Keats very much loved sausages. In fact, that love of sausages likely led to his early death from heart disease.

Dear Montezuma,
My friend Kitty Parker likes to eat caterpillars. She’s always asking me if I would like one and I usually say no. Caterpillars are cuter than cows, calves, and other mammals people eat, so why should I eat them?
Leroy Vinnegar
Blister-Exists, NY

Cute you say? Have you ever peered at microscopic photo slides of the creatures? They’re astoundingly hideous! Enough to give me nightmares. Great, gnashing, clipping mandibles to rend your flesh. Corpulent body segments eager to lay upon and flatten you. Sickly-glistening protuberances emerging from all portions of the body. And all accompanied by those tiny, beady, multi-faceted eyes. Also they make silk like spiders. No, my friend Leroy, consume them lest ye be consumed first. (Do not consume spiders though. When you see them they’re usually just trying to say hello. Wave back kindly and with enthusiasm.)

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been in love with Millenarianism for quite some time. I truly enjoy the whole concept of the coming Apocalypse and the possibility of living through it to enjoy the fruits of the Post-Apocalypse. When you consider it, if you’re a canned tuna lover, there will be plenty free for the taking. Anyway, I also like the imagery inherent in Millenarianism. So,, to get to the point, since I love Millenarianism so much how would I go about proposing marriage to it?
Danielo Cabrisi
Conclave, MV

Proposing to Millenarianism is difficult, not least because it has been rejecting such offers for nearly 2000 years. Cobbler Johnson of Derbyshire came closest in 1577, but after thinking it over for two weeks, Millenarianism declined the offer. You might try something romantic like sky-writing or doing it at a major league spearball game.

Dear Montezuma,
I am terribly crabby all the time and often this seems to bother people. I think this results from my lifelong dedication of curing people of their delusions. A lot of people don’t react well to a dour old man telling them they’re being foolish. Is there a way for me to fix this?
James Randi
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Hey there Amazing! I’ve always wanted to receive a letter from you, but I’ll leave the gushing of a fan for a private return letter (hope you enjoy the photographs). Have you attempted to smile? In all of your numerous television appearances you never seem to crack a smile and, in fact, appear quite combative. Slapping a smile on that handsome mug of yours might put people off of getting angry about things. It would certainly cure the dour adjective.

montys hints

Most people enjoy collecting bottles. A recent survey of North America and Europe found that 67% of adults and 22% of children enjoyed collecting bottles, while 12% and 40%, respectively, found collecting bottles to be mildly entertaining. One problem with collecting bottles is storage. Bottles do take up a lot of space. You can save a lot of space by removing the labels from the bottles. Simply soak the bottles in warm, soapy water for an hour or two, then scrape off the remaining bits of label with the edge of a trowel. This will save you 1/100th of an inch or so of diameter for each bottle, allowing for easier storage.