Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

Classifieds: Tiberium 2007

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FOR SALE
Hummus, tabouli and babaganush. Nose Ring Girl no longer interested. Contact Perry, LA, CA. Rice cakes also available for minimum fee.

FOR RENT
Vertically halved carrot. $4.00 per day. Vichnan, Pan. Oostle, NH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Groucher needed to be grouchy. Must stand, arms crossed, face scowled for seven dollars per hour. Bonus for angry grumbling. Cleveland Municipal Government, Box 3, Cleveland, OH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Aimee Echo handler needed to handle Aimee Echoes. Must walk Aimee Echoes, feed them and clean them of parasites. Must have license and full insurance. Bill Thompings, 7248-54-5955-547-548-1. ext. B.

WANTED
Striped pants. Size 11. Will pay up to $43.00 for lycra or cotton. Must be horizontal stripes. Chinflap O’Connor, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Victor Hugo’s remains in a burlap sack. $300.00, sack $5.00 extra. L’remains Disposoir, Paris France, EU.

FOR RENT
Storage bin for holding the remains of 19th Century French authors. Solid oak, with separate drawers for all major limb bones including the tibia. $5.00 per month. Skeeky, Box 204.

WANTED
Bronze bust of William “Wild Bill” Donovan, must be at least twelve feet tall and made of bronze and be only a bust, not the whole body. $5,000 for bronze bust. Must be of William Donovan. Rector Michaelis, Route 4, Biloxi, MI.

FOR SALE
One Apnea for use in photo shoots featuring scantily clad kind of a weird looking girl who certain people find rather attractive. Tattoo of boxes on arm. $3000 or best offer. Phillip Picnic, Houston, TX.

WANTED
Umlaut to go over a “U” in my band’s official name. Will pay up to $30.00 per dot. Hemlutt the band, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Eight hundred and seven candid photographs of Betty White playing billiards. Free Manchester United commemorative tumbler included. £500.00. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Audio recording of a pickle (Kosher dill). Pickle sits on counter making no audible noise for one hour. Available on 8-track, tape, CD, LP, minidisk or MP3. Hippo Records, Box 811o5.

FOR RENT
Spacious shoe box, perfect for storing excess pair of shoes. $1.00 per year. Stu Violet, Stu’s Boxes, Hemper’s Flapping, RI. 85488-98-54756.

WANTED
Sexually promiscuous and trusting hot blonde girl with big tits and nice ass needed to give me directions to Cork. I’m trying to visit the birthplace of author Virgil Buckfuller, but I don’t know how to get there. Will say thank you in a nice voice and nod politely. Nigel Fraps, 32 rue Flace, 75001 Paris.

WANTED
Classic brand of beer revived by modern brewery as watered-down spittoon swill. Please send twelve first-class stamps to Amy Galveston, 385 Leyte Ave. Romaniaville, EL 00347
MSW

WANTED
Blue-haired hottie to help me find my dentures, crack walnuts for me (I have arthritis), and gratify me every 6-12 weeks sexually. Herbert Denster, Plenipotentiary Convalescent Residence, W. 14th St., Brazzaville, NY 11117

FOR SALE
Reproduction cargo cult fetish necklace made from beer can tabs, wing nuts, and bicycle inner tube patches. Only $37!!! Call Barry P. at 703-966-0402.

WANTED
The corpses of Abbot & Costello for an after-dinner engagement. Free dessert. Tony Brummel 346 N. Justine St., Suite 504, Chicago, IL 60607

FREE VIEWING
One plate of cold, roast mutton. Come on by the kitchen window at 233 Mulver St. You won’t be disapointed.

Fifty Useful Things

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1. Scratch-proof linoleum
2. Bread slice sized sandwich bags
3. Undies that dispense talc
4. Magazine insert vacuum
5. Dirt-repellent paint
6. Flopless flip flops
7. Freckle ointment for pale-skinned girls without freckles
8. Self-polishing leather
9. Quiet packing tape dispensers
10. Something, anything, to replace grout
11. Deodorant application flaps in t-styled shirts
12. Nail clippers that can do the job in one clip
13. Odor- and taste-free lubricated condoms
14. Universal inclusion of sales tax on all price tags.
15. An air conditioner that just fits
16. A tin beverage can that doesn’t leave a sip of liquid at the bottom
17. Boot-height loafers for old men who insist on wearing loafers with calve-length socks and shorts
18. Subway doors that withstand leaning
19. Homeless people armed with air horns to scare off pigeons
20. A human spine which is completely adequate for upright walking
21. AM radio that penetrates obstacles
22. Adequate training for bassists on bass line construction
23. One city willing to fully-commit to the grid system
24. Non-dribble spoons
25. Anti-gravity bread crumbs
26. A cell-phone that doesn’t need to be advertised.
27. Celebrities without personal lives.
28. Intelligent goth girls.
29. Non police car related metaphors for explaining the Doppler Effect and Red Shift.
30. A zombie movie that actually avoids every single Zombie movie cliché.
31. Forks that magnetically attract those last few peas or grains of rice.
32. An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell of frying bacon.
33. Mid-Def for those who feel broadcast isn’t enough but aren’t quite ready for high definition television.
34. Neck ties for sloths.
35. Glow in the dark Norse figurines for playing Viking Raid in the dark.
36. Attractive gargoyles for those easily frightened by cathedral architecture.
37. Feeling bad after being shot down by the girl at the party insurance with complete blonde coverage.
38. Special corsages for accountants to wear on Arbour day.
39. Pants with asbestos reinforced seats for use with jet packs.
40. Idiot repellent.
41. A pope who supports birth control.
42. A little box on the TV news that tells you how likely you are to actually come to harm, much less die, from the latest health scare.
43. Double yo-yos with two strings and three separate orbs.
44. A third option besides the regular chutes and ladders.
45. Extra strength minty toe paste for when you scrub your toes with your toe brush.
46. Z-rays that allow you to see the outside of objects.
47. Tepid seeking missile.
48. Special stamps commemorating 150 years of philatelics.
49. A new Polish folk dance sensation to replace the aging Flyk Cryzok.
50. The cure for cancer.