Fifty Useful Things

1. Scratch-proof linoleum
2. Bread slice sized sandwich bags
3. Undies that dispense talc
4. Magazine insert vacuum
5. Dirt-repellent paint
6. Flopless flip flops
7. Freckle ointment for pale-skinned girls without freckles
8. Self-polishing leather
9. Quiet packing tape dispensers
10. Something, anything, to replace grout
11. Deodorant application flaps in t-styled shirts
12. Nail clippers that can do the job in one clip
13. Odor- and taste-free lubricated condoms
14. Universal inclusion of sales tax on all price tags.
15. An air conditioner that just fits
16. A tin beverage can that doesn’t leave a sip of liquid at the bottom
17. Boot-height loafers for old men who insist on wearing loafers with calve-length socks and shorts
18. Subway doors that withstand leaning
19. Homeless people armed with air horns to scare off pigeons
20. A human spine which is completely adequate for upright walking
21. AM radio that penetrates obstacles
22. Adequate training for bassists on bass line construction
23. One city willing to fully-commit to the grid system
24. Non-dribble spoons
25. Anti-gravity bread crumbs
26. A cell-phone that doesn’t need to be advertised.
27. Celebrities without personal lives.
28. Intelligent goth girls.
29. Non police car related metaphors for explaining the Doppler Effect and Red Shift.
30. A zombie movie that actually avoids every single Zombie movie cliché.
31. Forks that magnetically attract those last few peas or grains of rice.
32. An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell of frying bacon.
33. Mid-Def for those who feel broadcast isn’t enough but aren’t quite ready for high definition television.
34. Neck ties for sloths.
35. Glow in the dark Norse figurines for playing Viking Raid in the dark.
36. Attractive gargoyles for those easily frightened by cathedral architecture.
37. Feeling bad after being shot down by the girl at the party insurance with complete blonde coverage.
38. Special corsages for accountants to wear on Arbour day.
39. Pants with asbestos reinforced seats for use with jet packs.
40. Idiot repellent.
41. A pope who supports birth control.
42. A little box on the TV news that tells you how likely you are to actually come to harm, much less die, from the latest health scare.
43. Double yo-yos with two strings and three separate orbs.
44. A third option besides the regular chutes and ladders.
45. Extra strength minty toe paste for when you scrub your toes with your toe brush.
46. Z-rays that allow you to see the outside of objects.
47. Tepid seeking missile.
48. Special stamps commemorating 150 years of philatelics.
49. A new Polish folk dance sensation to replace the aging Flyk Cryzok.
50. The cure for cancer.

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