Category Archives: Quick Hits

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Classifieds: August 2003

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Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.

FOR SALE
Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620

FOR RENT
Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen

SEEKING
Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.

Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.

WANTED
Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343

FOR SALE
One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.

ROBOT ANDROIDS
Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.

FOR SALE
Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.

POSITIONS AVAIABLE
Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.

FREE GIVEAWAY!!!
Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.

FOR SALE
Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.

WANTED
Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.

WANTED
One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.

FOR SALE
Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.

JOB OPENING
Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.

Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.

FOR SALE
A dog. 654-0098

NOT FOR SALE
The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.

Letters: August 2003

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Written Correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Cheerio Boys,

Just thought I’d nip a few lines in the post for you to tell you how much I enjoy celery. It’s so crunchy. Crunch crunch crunch.

Sincerely Yours,

G. Gordon Liddy

To the Editor:

Many in this readership will no doubt find these comments disturbing. My aim is not to offend, nor to enlighten, but rather to state my own thoughts and opinions about the way in which our world is changing. These are but one person’s opinions and in no way should they be perceived as indicative of the opinions of any group; scientists, atheists, or such. They are merely words, which in this time, should be said, must be said, and I shall say them. Hate them if you will, shrug them off, but they still must be put down. In troubling times, an apologist must make known his or her concepts, else debate and progress cannot be forged out of argument and stagnation.

The recent attacks levied on human cloning by some people who continue to uphold Medieval concepts of gods and devils, are unfounded and baseless, particularly when one scrutinizes these practitioners’ own supposed “holy” texts. According to the Book of Genesis, the first commandment which Elohim gave to humans was “be fruitful and multiply.” Closely associated with this command was the similar “subdue the earth and rule over it.” It would seem to me that there were no stipulations as to how this multiplication was to be achieved. Revolutionary scientists are enabling this multiplication, and are managing through modern techniques new and bold ways for humankind to subdue the natural world. To one free from the mental constraints of archaic thought, human cloning appears to work well within the guidelines of the Bible and with this god’s ineffable plan.

I would warn the Papists and other such anachronistic thinkers, that due to their lot’s Aristotelian views they went against much of modern scientific thought, condemning everything from the Heliocentric model, the germ theory of disease, evolutionary biology, and now, human cloning. In all previous cases, their attacks have been unwarranted and unvictorious. Now, they unsheathe their sabers again for a bit more rattling, and based on the evidence of the past, their gestures will be meaningless as always.

And as for this supposed human dignity, I would answer back that we are but one tiny little twig on the tree of life, descendants of primordial unicellular lifeforms, and perhaps ancestors of many more types of creatures not yet seen in this kaleidoscope of life.

An attack on human cloning is not an attack on a medical procedure, it is an all out assault on science. Unfortunately, these religions believe themselves to have truth behind them, and unfortunately, science cannot claim this same dogmatic truth. Science is not a faith, and rarely does it give us certainties, often its discoveries lead only to more questions, many of which show us how insignificant our little band of Homo Sapiens Sapiens is. And that is why they fear science. But, that is why science will triumph. For, in what claims in can make, it provides proof, something which religion has yet to grasp.

It is now the year 2003, despite the emotional hold-outs who disagree, we are living in the future. We must embrace the future, and not hold on to the past. Human cloning is the future and our world will change. Despite what the religious thinkers believe, you cannot fight change and you cannot stop it. Yesterday’s outrage, will become tomorrow’s acceptance as we move into the darkness and light of the wonderful and terrifying things our future holds for us. In a world of nuclear weapons, disappearing ice caps, halls rife with rumors of war, the cloning of humans is last worry any one of us should have. Best Wishes, as always.

Pope John Paul II Vatican City