Pluto
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Category Archives: Quick Hits
Letters: Maine 2006
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dear A&A,
Bicycle Monkey is amazing, thanks again. My life hasn’t been this efficient and productive since Vietnam. Way to go and keep on tractoring!
Stephanie McKeon
Brooklyn, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine sure publishes a lot of material, but would you say that you publish everything? Would you really believe that a single magazine could publish everything there is? Everything from the number of hairs on a yak to pharaoh’s phone number? No, that would be an insult to your intelligence. Of course this magazine has never published everything there is. So you must admit that somewhere in that information that you haven’t published there must be, somewhere, proof that God exists. So if you don’t publish this that means you’ve omitted something. What does that make you? Yes, an omitter.
Ray Comfort
Farnsworth, Australia
To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that you never write about thixotropes? These fluids, which move into a solid state when agitated are really exciting. Why not write a series of articles about various interesting things about thixotropes, like how ketchup is tasty. Ketchup is a thixotrope.
Please Johnson
Birmingham, AL
Dear Axes and Alleys,
I really liked your article about sea bass in last month’s issue. Though it may not have been your magazine, it may have been the specialty magazine Sea Bass Magazine. Either way, good work.
Lucy Primate
Halitosis, NH
Continue reading
Classifieds: Vespril 2006
FOR LEASE
Shitty tall tale. It’s really awful and can be yours for only $23 a week. Contact Logan of Logan’s Tall Tales for more info.
TO LET
5000 sq. ft. room in the middle of a garbage scow. Lovely view of refuse, perfect fixer upper. Barge Realty. 718-2121.
WANTED
Sexually inexperienced naked women. 18-24 yrs old. T-Bone Jones, Adams Retirement Home. 462- 0028.
WANTED
Life-size model of cobalt atom. Will pay up to $43. Paul Cook, Box 201.
POSITION AVAILABLE
Squash players needed to provide technical assistance to cast of whacky new Squash-related sitcom. Call Ralph at NBC for more info. 880-2734, ext. 1382-8271.
FOR SALE
Super tanker full of maple syrup. The syrup clogs up the release valves so we can never drain it out. Makes a great conversation piece. $2 million or best offer. Ellison Mineral.
WANTED
I will trade money or favors in exchange for ale. I will do anything for ale. I sure love ale. Barnaby, Box 21.
FOR SALE
Sunflower. Call Tammy at 323-0098.
POSITION AVAILABLE
Volcano detector. We need you to find volcanoes for use in a confidence scheme. Twin Stix Mahoney, Box 6.
WANTED
Box of meal worms. Must be 18 cubic in. E. Bell, Hambone, TX.
FOR SALE
Small cube shaped puzzle which opens dimensional gates and summons baldheaded gothy looking creatures. $50 or best offer. Kirsty, Box 103.
FOR SALE
The beat. Charlotte Caffey info@gogos.com
FOR RENT
Marianas Trench. Includes wrecked submarine filled with jellyfish and common anglerfish. F. Pino 917-843-9222
WANTED
Asymmetrical intelligent alien species for discovery and horrible misunderstanding. Roderick Blaine Blaine Manor, New Scotland 113091
FOR SALE
One box. Tom, No.33
POSITION AVAILABLE
Masochist needed to be struck with bats by Crimean immigrants. Will provide boiled carrots as payment. Call Lucy Sturgeon at 829-292-181.
WANTED
Bootblack. Must supply own tools. Polish provided. Dr. F.X. Enderby South Polar Station Antarctica
FOR SALE
Rust collection. All varieties from brown to light-dark red. Dark-dark red not included. 35p or best offer. Leisha Halley 212-888-2122
FOR RENT
2 staples. $2 per month, $68 for three years in advance. Find metal pipe and strike 13 dots and two dashes. I’ll bring the staples.
FOR LEASE
One human lung, you can use my lung for six months and then I need it back. Laura, Box 021.
POSITION AVAILABLE
Intern needed at petrochemical company. We need to test effects of oil on underpants. Underpants not provided, you must bring your own. Only women, ages 18-22 need apply. Petroil Co. Ramada, MV
WANTED
Petunia that can kill people and consume their flesh, rip organs out and eat them. Will pay top dollar. I have my own pot to keep them in. Belinda, 372-2831
WANTED
A box. Any type. Will pay lots and lots of money. Argus, Route 3. BA
Relationships
Meler’s Glue
