Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Mimas keeps looking at me. This weird little moon has this giant eye on it and every time I see Mimas I swear the darned thing is looking right at me. It even follows me if I move around. My friend Joey said that I shouldn’t worry. He says that Mimas is not a big eye at all, but rather the universe’s largest breast. To him, it’s not an eye, but rather a well-formed areola and perkily raised nipple. That doesn’t help too much though, because I’m also afraid of women.
Travis Smiley,
Roosevelt Island, NY

To the Editors,
Recently, I was locked in a library over a holiday weekday and forced to eat the complete works of Anais Nin in order to survive. As unfortunate as this was, it did give me plenty of time to catch up on my reading. Back in the bound periodical section I was able to find the complete Axes & Alleys issues dating back to your first issue in 1903. In the second issue, I found a slightly problematic mistake; your model of the Solar System from the article “Guide to Gentlemen Who Wish to Construct an Orrery in the Times of Leisure Available to Them” features the erroneous planets Vulcan, Planet X and Earth’s once-hypothesized second moon Lilith. Detailed though the instructions may be, they completely ignore the important Martio-Jovian Asteroid Belt, the Unanio-Neptian Asteroid Buckle, the Oort Cloud, the Kuiper Belt, the dwarf planets of Pluto, Sedna, Quaoar and Xena, and the various comets. Also, throughout the article, the name of the inner most planet Mercury was consistently misspelled as “Mercurie.” Also, the storm system known as the Great Red Spot on Jupiter was named several times as “The Evil Eye of the Devil Planet.” If Axes & Alleys is to maintain its quality, you should immediately fire the author of the piece, one Mr. Percival Lowell.
Thank you.
Michelle Trappenburgh
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
In your last issue (Volume 456-BR7, No. 20), you featured an adhesive sticker which stated that babies are stupid. This is preposterous. Recently, my lab has done a great deal of research comparing the intelligence quotients of octopi, average house cats and babies. In the first test, the underwater maze, the octopus won hands down, while in the rat catching the cat was the clear victor. In the third test, the drooling and babbling portion, the baby excelled and put the octopus and the cat to shame. How can you say babies are stupid? In our test, we determined that octopi, average housecats and babies have the same intelligence level (3.33 out of a possible ten). Please stop putting erroneous information on stickers.
Cornelius Abernathy IV
Roosevelt Island, NY

To Axes & Alleys Magazine,
My name is Erin Sneed and I work for the International Cuisine Institute here in Langley, Virginia. We have recently conducted magnesium-germanium dating tests which have proven that sauces were first created in 748 B.C. (+/- 8 years). We thought this information would be valuable for your records.
Jonathan Voldargo
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Sirs,
While The Start is a perfectly good musical combo, their song “One Thousand Years” off their album Initiation, contains the lyric “…you’re retrograde like planets slipping backwards.” It should be noted that the planets in question are not actually slipping backwards. This is merely an apparent motion caused by the intricate dance of the planets as they make their way around the Sun (a star).
Lucy Martinmas
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why don’t you ever put birds like swans on your cover? It’s a shame, if you ask me.
Mitchell T. Borax
Roosevelt Island, NY