Category Archives: Quick Hits

Looking for fast entertainment options? Here you gots it.

Classifieds Mapril 2007

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WANTED
Spelunking helmet for medium sized dog. Trevor Malady, 718 Box Street, Pavilion, NH.

FOR SALE
The thing to make all your theories work. Whatever it is, I’ve got it. Need an Earth-sized object in the outer solar system? I’m your man. Aliens in pre-Columbian America? In stock. The remains of big foot? First glass case on the left. Jimmy’s Theoretical Keystones, Katharinetowne, WD.

WANTED
Female Michael Ansara impersonator. Must be able to impersonate Mr. Ansara as Cochise from Broken Arrow, Kang from Star Trek “TOS” and Mohammed from The Message (bikini only). $25/hour. Free punch included. Cookies if available. Alexandra Politchenko, PSU Hall #5, Pylon, PL.

FOR RENT
Toe nails. Several shapes, sizes and colors. 50 cents per day per nail or $75 per year (in advance). Louisa May Alcott, 314-998-1616.

FOR SALE
Large box of punctuation. Includes commas, apostrophes and several semi-colons. No periods. •2.00. Minnie Ghent, Box 421, Grossover CEDEX 7, France.

FREE
Two lovable kittens, one black and white the other tabby. Both short haired and around seven weeks old. Free to a good home. Some assembly required. Yasper Yeats, Talladega, AL.

FOR SALE
One spoon, convex style digging or eating implement. $.02. Yasper, Box 45.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Tire iron, jack and spare tire needed to sit in my car trunk in case of emergency. No pay or time off provided. Sally Macgregor, Attenborough, Scotland. Ring top bell.

FOR LEASE
Seventeen story barn in Financial District. Zoning regulations forbid use by livestock. Spacious haylofts and two elevators for grain. Red in color with “See Rock City” painted on roof. Turing Realty, New York, NY.

WANTED
Series of seven bibs featuring paintings by Titian. I have seven children who need bibs and I’m just delighted by the idea of them making a mess of Titian’s paintings because I hate Titian. Ragard Moore, 748-282-2811, ext. 283. Mention this ad to sell me the bibs.

FOR SALE
Fungus-shaped thermite charges, 30 per box. Realistic spore dispersing action included. Great for fooling and then destroying fungus. Only $65! Rory Macklebik 93 Worcester St., Poughkeepsie, NY 12197

WANTED
A normal German to be my friend. By normal I don’t mean the average German who enjoys necrophiliac movies and does odd things with spandex. I mean a normal German as in an American who can speak with a pretty good Bavarian accent. Call Lucy Spangles at 707-823-7554.

FOR SALE
Impounded lorry full of soiled restaurant clothing. Free 36 ml tube of Veruca Salt vulcanising fluid included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

FOR FREE
Giant chicken wire and plaster of paris Buddha statue I made three years ago. It’s pretty darn big. Drooping a bit near Gautama’s buttocks. We’d like some more sun now, so it’s free to anyone who can come get it out of my backyard. Parking for cranes available. Call Joseph Mascis at 202-414-3113.

WANTED
A solution providing orgasms for paramecia. Write to the International Paramecia Operating Group for Orgasms, The Hague, The Netherlands with your proposal.

FOR RENT
Buttery cashew brittle! $2/day. Mrs. Fanny Bukowski, Apartment 3, Roanoke, VA.

FOR SALE
A mellotron. My son said he had always wanted to play the mellotron, but when it arrived it turned out he had meant the wash tub. $3500. Like new. James Thomas Carbunkle IV, West Nickel Lane, Burlington, VT, Sinonipponesia.

FREE
Do you love thinking? Do you often have ideas about God, the place of man in the universe, or the ethics of pudding production? Then you might be a philosophiliac! Come on down for a free examination to find out if you’re a lover of thinking. Remington Philosophiliac Institute, 2401 I-35 Frontage Rd., Oklahoma City, OK 73160

WANTED
Participants needed for a medical study of users of social networking web sites and gullibility. Visit N 33° 39′ 39″ W 95° 33′ 19″.

Fifty Ways for An American to Have Fun in London

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1. Pick up a random public phone; answer it and announce “London Calling.”
2. Attempt to impress British girls by explaining that if not for the U.S. they would be speaking German.
3. Attempt to impress British historians by explaining that if not for William I they
would all be speaking a sort of modified Welsh.
4. Purchase tweed.
5. Go to William Bligh’s house and put a Pitcarin Island flag on the door.
6. Point out your fanny pack to the locals.
7. Ask the cab driver to take you to see the Eiffel Tower.
8. Put Christmas decorations on the statue of Cromwell.
9. Collect prostitute calling cards. Trade them with your friends for a complete set.
10. On the road, look over at who’s sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Children
or dogs can be especially disconcerting.
11. Head over to 11 Downing Street and say hello to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
12. Giggle like a school girl when things cost “pee.”
13. Sneeze on the Magna Carta.
14. Don’t even bother trying to make the Beefeaters laugh.
Just punch them in the nose and run away.
15. Go to Westminster Abbey and dance on Isaac Newton’s grave.
16. Point out that the sculptor of Nelson’s Column forgot about the other arm.
17. Get some of those famous Fish & Chips.
Discard after three bites because British food sucks.
18. Ask random people why “Big Ben” isn’t digital yet.
19. Smoke marijuana while strolling down High Street.
20. Order a pint of bitter. Send it back complaining that it’s too bitter.
21. Sew a picture of yourself into the Bayeux Tapestry.
Make it so that you’re riding Haley’s Comet.
22. Dress up in a sheet and scare people at the Tower.
23. Go to Buckingham Palace and protest the impressments of American sailors.
24. Ask people if they know Danger Mouse.
25. Insist that the proper way to pronounce it is Thaymes, not Tems.
26. Show Britons pictures of your television for which you didn’t have to get a license.
27. Call for a vote of no confidence on your waitress.
28. When you see a Londoner down on his luck, sit down and remind him of
how thoroughly they kicked William Wallace’s ass.
29. Talk about how they just let Americans through customs with their guns.
30. Enjoy some Smarties, but say they’re not as good as M&Ms out of patriotism.
31. Mention how much worse your terrorist attack was than theirs.
32. Wonder aloud if the band Queen was named after Queen Elizabeth II.
33. Ask why they can’t get a decent domain name, like .com or .america.
34. Congratulate Londoners on their performance in the Falkland Islands.
35. Go to Euston Station and sing Catatonia’s “Londinium” loudly and annoyingly.
36. Respond with a Vicky Pollard impression to every query.
37. Complain about the beer being too cold.
38. Taunt them on their performance in the French and Indian War.
39. Declare peace in our time.
40. Organize a protest against the execution of Thomas Moore.
41. Point out how different Kew Gardens, London is from Kew Gardens, Queens.
Then make fun of them for ripping off the names for Chelsea and Soho.
42. Complain about so many nearby highways being named after the
Messier catalog designations of globular clusters and galaxies.
43. Act really impressed when looking at the London Stone.
44. Laugh at barristers and their silly wigs.
45. Sarcasm is absent from British culture. Use this to your advantage.
46. Stock up on Euros so you can enjoy London’s famous gambling dens and
corner craps games.
47. Ask a bobby if he keeps his lunch under his big helmet.
48. Set up your very own official turnpike in London City.
49. Wear a hoodie to obscure your face from London’s plethora of surveillance
cameras. Claim to be a monk when questioned by police.
50. Find an old-fashioned call box. Get in and then tell people your Tardis isn’t working.