Category Archives: Historigon

Historigon: Justinuary 2006

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Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2001 AD: Arizona state senator Arnold Schumaker (L) sends polaroids of expensive toys to underprivileged children in his district.
  • 1986 AD: A live-action manger scene burns down in Czechoslovakia, killing all participants.
  • 1983 AD: The first successful artificial appendix is inserted into Gary Clarkson.
  • 1969 AD: While exploring the surface of the Moon, astronaut Alan Bean finds a rock that resembles his primary school teacher Mrs. Belcher.
  • 1964 AD: Italy changes government.
  • 1943 AD: Airman Eric Jones paints a picture of a pretty dame on the nose of a B-17 Flying Fortress.
  • 1832 AD: Future president Martin Van Buren, after celebrating his birthday, vomits in a spittoon.
  • 1793AD: Marie Antoinette, in the few seconds of life afforded her head after its separation from the body, wonders if heaven will have delicious cakes.
  • 1653 AD: A group of Spanish settlers decide to play a game of pins using Olmec head statues and some old canoes.
  • 1588 AD: Pedro the Navigator informs his captain that the seas ahead appear stormy. Captain Menendez assures him that God will protect the Armada from storms. Later both their corpses wash up near Brighton.
  • 1402 AD: Kim Il-Sung, after inventing a time machine, arrives and promptly invents water skiing.
  • 1301 AD: Geoffe the Slopper of Stuttgart looks up and sees a comet.
  • 1282 AD: Friar Marcus makes a mistake while illuminating a manuscript, suggesting to future generations that he liked rutabagas very much.
  • 1202 AD: While sacking Constantinople, Martin of Tours finds a vase that he thinks his wife might like.
  • 738 AD: The Nanzhao kingdom sets up a strict code of state-mandated, individually-unique hair styles for its citizens.
  • 605 AD: Chinese Emperor Yang-ti orders the construction of a massive canal to link major rivers with the capital of Luoyang. Later that night he sneezes five times in a row, beating his previous record of three consecutive sneezes.
  • 439 AD: Axum resident Derdana asks if maybe they can’t have a few less stele around as they block out the fine Ethiopian sunshine. An unhappy neighbour later mixes goat dung in with Derdana’s stew.
  • 423 AD: A young Attila, later known as The Hun, gives his brother Bleda one of the first known wedgies after Bleda, in an amazing turn of cultural precocity tries wearing underpants.
  • 135 AD: Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan arrive at Simon Bar Kokhba’s hideout near the Dead Sea. They describe the situation as “totally un-station.”
  • 21 AD: Sauren the Parthian uses several captured Roman helmets to impress some girls. That night he sires Artabana.
  • 74 BC: Trandovix the Gaul wanders to present-day Gibraltar in search of a good tankard.
  • 712 BC: Numa Pompilius notices a member of his court has slipped an association of drinkers into his proposal for the creation of guilds in Rome.
  • 905 BC: Otonga and his friend eat a pig.
  • 1003 BC: The Olmecs create giant stone heads in mockery of disgraced citizens for use in playing a Meso-American version of pins.
  • 3281 BC: Adresh of Chaldea trades seventy loaves, two goats and an Abyssinian slave man to Ushot of Uruk for seven ounces of silver and two mares.
  • 6.701 BC: Erath the Scout finds a village where they teach him the secret of pottery.
  • 32.801 BC: After spending seven months in the freezing cold, Uguski and his clan begin to regret following that mammoth herd across what would one day be called the Bering Land Bridge.
  • 91,002 BC: While examining the community’s Large Bone with Notches in It, Ogoff laments that things were better back in the old days.

Historigon: Springtober 2006

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Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2005 AD: Researchers at MCATDA begin their study of various studies of other studies, successfully completing the first meta-meta-analysis.
  • 1943 AD: After learning of the disastrous defeat at Midway, Japanese emperor Hiro Hito spends the afternoon studying interesting squid.
  • 1933 AD: Axes & Alleys explanation man Lemuel LaBratt born.
  • 1902 AD: While looking in the mirror, a young Adolph Schickelgruber first notices a growth of thin hairs on his upper lip.
  • 1864 AD: Confederate General Robert E. Lee eats a turkey sandwich which he describes as the “best turkey sandwich ever.” Scholars later debate the veracity of this claim.
  • 1812 AD: Popcorn invented in the Austrian Empire when an oxcart overturns, spilling dried ears of corn onto the firewalking display of a visiting troupe of traveling fakirs from India.
  • 1717 AD: Incredibly lost Japanese fishermen sail through the Dardanelles.
  • 1666 AD: In order to impress his friends, John the Carter of London Towne, lights his tobacco pipe from one of the burning embers of a St. Paul’s Cathedral rectory support beam.
  • 1517 AD: After writing an important document, Martin Luther spends three and a half hours looking for his hammer. Later he finds it in a drawer.
  • 1409 AD: Peaceful, Native American hunter-gatherer peoples engage in a brutal war of conquest and enslavement.
  • 1015 AD: Dag Lifmunssun, his dog, and a donkey ride a giant ice sheet down into the waters of Norway. They are unable to convince anyone to settle in Sunland.
  • 950 AD: Bantu speaking peoples arrive in Zimbabwe near the Zambezi river, bringing with them the yo-yo.
  • 801 AD: Tlatacca the Mayan decides to go on vacation. All his friends, family and neighbors decide to go with him, leaving Copan completely deserted.
  • 475 AD: Two members of the former Roman Legions stationed in Britain are found on an island in the English Channel, busily adding to a three foot high stack of reports to their commanders on the mainland.
  • 180 AD: A group of men from New Guinea arrive in New Zealand after falling asleep drunk in their canoes. They are promptly killed by the native Moa birds.
  • 2 AD: Yeshua bar Yusef of Nazareth is first allowed to operate the lathe, but only very carefully.
  • 300 BC: On a bet, a member of the advanced civilization of Patronam (with its capital in Tunguska, Siberia) uses its genetic technology to modify the still-flourishing mastodon into the modern elephant while simultaneously using its teleportation technology to modify all written and physical records of the mastodon’s existence.
  • 490 BC: Philo of Athens endures endless ridicule for having slept through the entire battle at Marathon the previous month.
  • 593 BC: A young Hebrew named Daniel is unable to help the king whose dream involves a snake that goes into a grassy hole, then crawls back out, then back in and then vomits milk.
  • 1152 BC: Ithacan king Odysseus fails in his first attempt to beguile the Trojans by dressing up as a talking, dancing bear offering various berries, fruits, and toy trumpets.
  • 3049 BC: The Proto-Elamites, in a surprisingly precocious mood, adopt Greek prefixes before the advent of Hellenic language.
  • 5752 BC: Wandering peoples in the northern half of Africa decide the place would look better as a desert and start carting in sand and hauling off trees.
  • 18,460 BC: After successfully slaying a large antelope, Tahn son of Ahth of the Flat Area, is consumed by a pack of wolves.
  • 782,530 BC: Megdur thinks “Hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea to cut down some of these small trees for our fire instead of waiting around for branches to fall off?”

The Historigon: Caliguly 2006

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Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2003 AD: After seven months, four days and nine hours, the band Hovercraft finally breaks the world record for the longest ever rendition of the song “Da Doo Ron Ron.”
  • 1996 AD: With two years and 50,000 man hours behind them, Steve Seljuk and his staff of 1200 researchers almost finish cataloging the Internet so that users may easily find what they need on the World Wide Web.
  • 1982 AD: Tasmanian heart surgeon Charlotte Canberra invents the first successful cowboy hat for monitor lizards.
  • 1953 AD: Yumjaagiyn Tsedenbal, General Secretary of the Mongolian People’s Revolutionary Party, learns about chocolate milk from an old copy of Life magazine. Cocoa-flavored mare’s milk never quite takes off.
  • 1929 AD: After losing all his money in the stock market crash, Rodger Yasper Yates begins to regret purchasing 8 million shares of Fake Company Ltd.
  • 1881 AD: In order to ring in the new year, young lovers Adeline Smith and Charles Hutley, and their chaperone, share a raspberry phosphate.
  • 1643 AD: Scottish pig farmer Malcolm MacDonald fails to be elected to the Papacy.
  • 1555 AD: Henry II of France answers a courtier that, yes, he was rather fond of blue. The same courtier then asked Henry to pass the honeyed cakes and was later executed.
  • 1416 AD: Roger the Sheepfarmer, while in bed, first thinks himself accursed that he had not ridden with Henry V at Agincourt on St. Crispin’s day.
  • 1300 AD: Sirmiq Takiyok wakes up in his igloo and imagines it will likely be another day of seal hunting and the stench of burning blubber. He sighs.
  • 1111 AD: Upon taking over his father’s seat, Baldwin of Flanders casually wonders what the world would be like if dogs could talk. To a friend he jokes “If dogs could talk, they’d probably ask for more food.”
  • 832 AD: What would become known as the Canary Islands enter their 7000th consecutive year of uselessness.
  • 642 AD: As the Muslims storm Egypt, young Malmud of Medina looks up at the Great Pyramid of Cheops and realizes that it is indeed rather tall. Later, upon returning home, he attempts to dramatize the size of the pyramid by using large, sweeping hand gestures.
  • 124 AD: A young man found a young woman attractive.
  • 3 BC: Multanifi gets bored with the sleep-inducing sounds of the traditional didgeridoo and invents an advanced, oboelike instrument in a matter of hours.
  • 795 BC: Some barbarians come steaming through the Asian steppes.
  • 1430 BC: This Egyptian joke is inscribed near the source of The Nile: How many Nubians can travel the river together in one boat? Five!
  • 2347 BC: Researchers in Atlantis discover that all galaxies appear to be moving away from one another. This discovery is overshadowed by the simultaneous invention of the sandwich.
  • 4502 BC: Sumerian barley farmer Shashtafarmmin finds the barely soup he had accidentally left buried in an earthen pitcher for the winter. Later he and his wife invent drunken sloppy sex.

Historigon: Clauduary 2006

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historigon

During This Month in History:

  • 2005 AD: Axes & Alleys’ offices enter their second month without a secretary. Almost every staff member has started coming unglued by this point and documentation of the period is scant.
  • 2004 AD: President Dick Armstrong wins the Radford, Virginia Bird Call Competition for a third year straight when his near-perfect Alaskan gray mallard call scores an astonishing 9.4.
  • 1982 AD: After declaring war on the decadent West, the Soviet Union and the People’s Republic of China jointly invade India in retaliation for the destruction of a Soviet transport in the Black Sea by a British destroyer.
  • 1971 AD: Pop-Artist Andy Warhol sits in his underpants eating cornflakes and watching cartoons for two and a half days straight.
  • 1947 AD: Howard Hughes accidentally impregnates a crashed Dran visitor, who gives birth to a male child in 1948. With his origin covered up by the Illuminati, the infant William Gibson is adopted by a couple in South Carolina, who never reveal the truth about his past.
  • 1943 AD: General Douglas MacArthur defeats Chiang Kai Shek in a bout of bare-knuckled pugilism, enabling U.S. Army Private First Class Phillip Donner to win $4,000.
  • 1912 AD: Suffragette Elizabeth “Kitty” Standon dons a five foot diameter, eighty-three stone hat which causes her to topple over before she can ever chain herself to a railing.
  • 1899 AD: Jakob Schwartzkinderpopologan invented the cathode ray cone, an almost completely non-functional predecessor to the tubes found in most modern televisions.
  • 1865 AD: Corporal Ebenezer Johnson becomes the last person to die in the Civil War when he chokes on a peanut eight minutes before Lee’s famous surrender at Appomattox Courthouse.
  • 1854 AD: Future president Horace B. Borden spends five days inconsolable over the loss of his favorite pair of shoes. The shoes are eventually found behind a divan and all ends well.
  • 1721 AD: Sir Seymour Dial Button invents the knob.
  • 1603 AD: Skippy Sellase, a close relative of the Ethiopian Emperor, unwisely points out that the empire’s not terribly impressive.
  • 1532 AD: Hungarian explorer Jan Troplovich becomes the 328th person to discover the New World.
  • 1333 AD: Nuctuhualpayo, an ingenious Incan man, creates a wheeled cart for transporting goods. His village is not impressed. Several weeks later he attaches the cart to an alpaca, creating the New World’s first coach. He is incessantly mocked for the invention’s ridiculous appearance and quickly abandons it.
  • 1066 AD: William the Bastard of Normandy, on his way to board a boat steps on a frog, causing him to careen into a nearby fruit stand where his head gets stuck in a large melon, blinding him so that he steps on a hoe which smacks him in the head, knocking him back into a pile of cow manure which subsequently catches on fire. He is able to turn this into a good omen by proclaiming “Shit, I hate the Anglo-Saxons.”
  • 89 BC: Sulla and Marius both arrive at an orgy wearing the same toga style in an event which would eventually prove disastrous for the Roman Republic.
  • 1290 BC: Yatkub ben Gelafa, formerly part of the Exodus made famous by God’s The Bible, sneaks back into Egypt to retrieve his favorite loin cloth.
  • 3280 BC: Shokindush of Ur invents the wheel after his ninth unsuccessful attempt to invent the donut.
  • 14102 BC: While others around him are slowly getting to know wolves, sheep, goats and oxen a little better, Trufgor thinks frogs could be mighty useful friends.

Menagerie of Mini-Biographies

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biography
Louis Tolwind Meyerson (1898 – 1967) – Louie Legs to his friends, Meyerson was only the second man to become a naturalized citizen of Canolia and the first man to weatherproof the interior of a home. This was a necessity as a result of Louie Legs’ inveterate pursuit of indoor cloud-seeding experiments. Also as a result he created his only useful contribution to society: 100% fire proofing, which protected his house from numerous lightning strikes.

Q. Eric Johnson (1948 – 2006) – Tall and ruddy, with dark sandy hair and all limbs intact, Q. Eric started his life as a middle class child growing up in suburban Mitchell, Elizabethia. Upon graduation from Muni-Tech College in 1968, he took on what would be the first of many managerial positions with Bangers ‘n’ Mash, the multinational English-themed fast food chain. A lifelong bachelor, Q. Eric died in his sleep on January 12, 2006.

Anna Peterson (1843) – Anna enjoyed breastfeeding and drooling, yet only occasionally laughed. Her most favored possession was a blue quilted blanket stitched together by her grandmother. She never learned to walk.

Maximus Felix Quintus Lotho (67 – 20 BC) – Quintus became famous for running around the entire circumference of Rome, as well as several cities in Gaul, Armenia and Pontus. He was granted the right to wear shoes within them temple of Jupiter and to ogle the ankles of the Vestal Virgins. His honor was taken away from him later in life, when he continued his practice of running; this time away from a force of outnumbering Parthians. His last words were reportedly “does anyone else smell eggs?”
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