This Month in History:

2006 AD: Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, plans to spend $4 million to build a museum dedicated to his underpants, but later decides to build a museum about everything Robert Mugabe instead.

2000 AD: After months of research, a successful formula is developed, allowing Wow™ detergent to leave colours 20% brighter.

1971 AD: The first video game, Immobile Square, is released to mixed reviews.

1944 AD: Scientists at Los Alamos National Laboratory are disappointed to discover that radiation exposure causes only crippling illness, ending the US Army’s Super-Soldier project.

1904 AD: Albert Einstein devises a clever way of moving up from 3rd Class patent clerk to 2nd Class patent clerk, thus getting a modest increase in salary.

1809 AD: Washtub technology is advanced by Hubert Smyles of Tennessee, who attaches a primitive splash guard to his tub.

1798 AD: Carthage, NY founded by Hannibal Johnson.

1783 AD: Captain Cook discovers the aptly-named June 3rd Island.

1353 AD: Noted Muslim traveler Ibn Battuta publishes what is regarded as a prototype for this very column, The Allah is Great Prism of Past Events.

1010 AD: Never one to be upstaged by Canute, King Edfald of Mercia orders his archers to shoot up at the Moon for a while.

814 AD: In a dispute over iconoclasm Nicephorus, Patriarch of Constantinople, excommunicates Emperor Leo V the Armenian. Leo responds by smashing an icon of Saint Basil the Great over Nicephorus’ head.

708 AD: Duke Drogo of Champagne dies after being knocked unconscious in one of the region’s first attempts at carbonating its famous wine. Innovation in this area is stifled for another 800 years as a result.

538 AD: Justinian issues the Edict of Sardinia, declaring that the Empire should slowly collapse over the next thousand years.

14 AD: Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus, Caesar Augustus to his friends, realizes during a severe bout of diarrhea that he should probably have his grandson Agrippa murdered.

100 BC: Due to an accidental mistranslation, the author of 1 and 2 Maccabees unknowingly ascribes the exploits of the extremely lost Celtic clan MacCabe to a local Judean family.

456 BC: Athenian student Daramenaxos suggests adding a new element: Mud. Others explain that mud is just a combination of the known elements Earth and Water.

600 BC: An insane traveler from Africa arrives in Greece mumbling fantastic stories about talking animals doing nasty things to each other. Aesop writes them down and cleans them up a bit.

1258 BC: An accidental confluence of sea turtles in the Caribbean, if viewed from the air, spells out the first three items on the menu of McClatchy’s Fried House in Plenary, AL.

1958 AD. If viewed from the shore it spells nothing.

2944 BC: Yup, the Chinese record another comet appearing in the sky.

6000 BC: New Guinean highlander Rut discovers an exciting new recipe for taro dip. Later at the dinner party everyone is wowed.

8122 BC: The forebears of Jericho figure out how to make fake rocks and then stack them to create leaky homes and a wall. The latter falls down at a rather inopportune time about 2500 years later.

11,001 BC: Humans arrive in what will become Argentina, but are too tired to leave.

16,000 BC: Thanks to the warming of the Earth and the end of the most recent Ice Age, Liffdon is pleased to find his hovel is now a hundred paces closer to the water supply.

853, 000 BC: Nugar and Fipo discover that badger tastes much better than aardvark.

This Month in History:

• 2006 AD- Only one month after being commissioned, NCV-738 U.S.S. William Henry Harrison sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic.
• 2002 AD- Respect for the environment reaches an all-time high of .067% of the population.
• 2000 AD- Thanks to the continued success of comedy, humorism is finally declared dead.
• 1998 AD- In order to advance his post-The Wonder Years career, Josh “Paul Pfeiffer” Saviano, reinvents himself as shock rocker Marlene Berkowitz.
• 1993 AD- A peanut allergy causing virus is perfected by the Walnut Council.
• 1973 AD- Sloppy Whitehouse janitor Earl Shecky is added to Nixon’s enemy list.
• 1950 AD- Timothy Dawson, father of three, comes home after a long day at the office and lights up his pipe.
• 1918 AD- After tripping up in No Man’s Land, First Lieutenant Miles Raspail Thompson curses Joseph Glidden and his so-called “barbed-style wires.”
• 1896 AD- After his horse dies miles from home in the freezing cold, junk man David Rosen of Detroit cuts her open and sleeps inside the carcass to keep warm. Years later a young filmmaker reads of this and includes it in one of his films.
• 1776 AD- Tired and worn-out after a night of composing, Thomas Jefferson pens a silly little piece of writing that he calls “The Declaration of Indigestion.”
• 1666 AD- As it is “The Year of the Beast,” John Fish sits in his wood bin, fingers in his ears, waiting for Armageddon.
• 1492 AD- Spaniards arrive in North America to replace the ancient horse population which had died out thousands of years earlier.
• 1330 AD- Shortly before the birth of future Shogun Ashikaga Yoshiakira, those near his mother hear screams of pain.
• 1184 AD- After falling for the same trick eighty-six consecutive times, French Crusaders follow an apparently fleeing Muslim army into a narrow mountain pass, just in case it might actually work this time.
• 1041 AD- Samuel Aba becomes king of Hungary, beginning over 900 years of the world not caring what happens in Hungary.
• 863 AD- Gradu the Barber, in the first written account of the city of Smolensk, states that “it’s a one donkey town.”
• 770 AD- Halfer the Blacksmith decides to start making horse shoes out of iron so he doesn’t have to see that annoying Lord Grefter and his snotty six-year old son so often.
• 622 AD- Following in the foot steps of other religions of peace such as Judaism and Christianity, Muslims found their religion on the invasion and destruction of other lands and people.
• 504 AD- The Mitriani, a long-lived alien race with a small population, land on a largish coral outcropping in the Pacific. Finding little in the way of intelligent life, they decide to have their equivalent of a can of soda before leaving. 1400 years later, Americans decide they really like Kwajalein Atoll.
• 258 AD- Shortly before being declared emperor, Sun Xiu is frustrated by a commoner who can’t seem to carry a wooden pole through the gates of Hulin. Sun sticks a finger in his eye and lets out a yell, thus creating the action which was named for him: the shoe.
• 112 AD- Dugongs invent spear technology and launch an invasion of what would become southern Malaysia. The invasion fails under mysterious circumstances.
• 240 BC- Ctesibius of Alexandria invents a sub-orbital, pneumatic rocket, but accidentally pushes the improperly-labeled self-destruct lever, destroying the rocket and his engineering notes. At the same time as the explosion, Ctesibius invents the interface concept of labels.
• 535 BC- Lao Tzu is the first philosopher to come up with the idea that everything, including one’s memories of the past, was created within the past five minutes. An intelligent friend slaps Lao across the face, ending the promulgation of this line of thought for hundreds of years.
• 760 BC- Shortly before his death Alara, the king who united Nubia, looks over the sand and dust of his kingdom and starts to wonder why he would do such a thing.
• 1001 BC- Local inhabitants, burdened by the fossils their people had collected while migrating throughout Africa, begin throwing them into Olduvai Gorge.
• 1457 BC- Kiltumesh takes a break from the Battle of Megiddo to urinate and use a branch to relieve himself of the irritating itch on his back.
• 1729 BC- Humming to himself while working on some pottery, Terah doesn’t notice Abraham, Lot, their families and their friends leaving for Canaan.
• 6000 BC- Neanderthals found the Minoan Civilization.

During this month in history:

2005 AD: After one hundred years, Jules Verne continues to remain dead.
2004 AD: After purchasing a piece of the True Cross online, Ron Stanley of Kenosha, WI, wonders why the Romans made crosses out of plastic.
1988 AD: Brian Warner of Fort Lauderdale, FL, decides to try on some of his mother’s lipstick. He is disgusted to find out later that lipstick often contains fish scales.
1980 AD: Members of the band KISS are convicted of treason for selling nuclear secrets to the Iranians.
1954 AD: Adlai Stevenson invents the game of Beer Pong, also known as Beirut.
1944 AD: Nazi Fuehrer Adolph Hitler enjoys an apricot.
1889 AD: While attempting to design a revolutionary new kite, Alexander Graham Bell accidentally invents the telephone again.
1681 AD: Edward Teach grows a beard.
1602 AD: William Shakespeare scratches a dirty sonnet into a lavatory wall.
1578 AD: Samurai warrior Akakawa shames rival Tokogura with a beautiful and exquisitely composed haiku about how good crabmeat tastes.
1537 AD: Shortly before Spaniards arrive there, the Island of California joins the rest of North America.
1381 AD: Janth throws herself beneath the wheels of the advancing Juggernaut and has little to no effect on its progress.
1215 AD: At Runnymede, English King John first attempts to sign the name “Tohn” and then “Dohn” before the nobles make him write his real name on The Magna Carta.
923 AD: A Tatar named Multigin gets very angry when he stubs his toe. He raids a neighboring village, slaughtering the entire population and takes their herd of goats. This makes him feel better.
701 AD: In order to impress a beautiful, dark haired and blue eyed young girl with ample bosoms, Erthik begins writing the Beowulf Saga.
575 AD: Five year old Muhammad begins a life-long fascination with raisins.
483 AD: No one notices that the Nestorian Church has had a schism with the Orthodox Church.
102 AD: Pan Chau’s expeditionary force reaches the Caspian Sea. He sends reports home stating that there isn’t anything interesting out that way.
25 AD: An irate man in strange clothes, speaking in an unknown language attempts to stop several soldiers as they crucify a Jewish man. He fails to stop them due to a crippling and fatal bout of dysentery .
17 BC: Japeth of Judea thinks he could use a new smock.
274 BC: Rendithes of Corinth pens the most beautiful poem ever written. A visitor from nearby Porlock knocks over an olive oil lamp, causing a fire which burns down Rendithes’ house with all its contents.
440 BC: After wandering the entire Mediterranean, Herodotus remembers where he left his change purse.
765 BC: Ancestors of the Ainu people of Japan amuse themselves by using a wooden board with a snow monkey tied loosely on top to plug up geyser holes, then watch the resulting expressions on the monkeys’ faces when the geyser erupts.
901 BC: Cruthoatlec drags a valuable load of jade to his home across the isthmus of Panama, creating the first and short-lived Panama Canal.
1300 BC: A Phoenician named Dehrem steps on a sea snail and has an idea.
3,809 BC: A trader, who by pure coincidence is named Seanconnery, invents cuneiform.
12,003 BC: Shurprizh, a resident of Southwest Asia, produces the first play in history. It is remarkably similar to an unaired episode slated for the second season of My Mother the Car.
109,800 BC: After dropping a goose egg on a rock near the fire, Omak eats it, finding that the heat has transformed the egg into a congealed, rubbery substance. He spits it out and goes to look for some berries.
507,032 BC: A human band wins its third consecutive war against a nearby group of chimpanzees, thanks mostly to Churdu’s excellent rock-hurling prowess.