During this month in history:

2005 AD: After one hundred years, Jules Verne continues to remain dead.
2004 AD: After purchasing a piece of the True Cross online, Ron Stanley of Kenosha, WI, wonders why the Romans made crosses out of plastic.
1988 AD: Brian Warner of Fort Lauderdale, FL, decides to try on some of his mother’s lipstick. He is disgusted to find out later that lipstick often contains fish scales.
1980 AD: Members of the band KISS are convicted of treason for selling nuclear secrets to the Iranians.
1954 AD: Adlai Stevenson invents the game of Beer Pong, also known as Beirut.
1944 AD: Nazi Fuehrer Adolph Hitler enjoys an apricot.
1889 AD: While attempting to design a revolutionary new kite, Alexander Graham Bell accidentally invents the telephone again.
1681 AD: Edward Teach grows a beard.
1602 AD: William Shakespeare scratches a dirty sonnet into a lavatory wall.
1578 AD: Samurai warrior Akakawa shames rival Tokogura with a beautiful and exquisitely composed haiku about how good crabmeat tastes.
1537 AD: Shortly before Spaniards arrive there, the Island of California joins the rest of North America.
1381 AD: Janth throws herself beneath the wheels of the advancing Juggernaut and has little to no effect on its progress.
1215 AD: At Runnymede, English King John first attempts to sign the name “Tohn” and then “Dohn” before the nobles make him write his real name on The Magna Carta.
923 AD: A Tatar named Multigin gets very angry when he stubs his toe. He raids a neighboring village, slaughtering the entire population and takes their herd of goats. This makes him feel better.
701 AD: In order to impress a beautiful, dark haired and blue eyed young girl with ample bosoms, Erthik begins writing the Beowulf Saga.
575 AD: Five year old Muhammad begins a life-long fascination with raisins.
483 AD: No one notices that the Nestorian Church has had a schism with the Orthodox Church.
102 AD: Pan Chau’s expeditionary force reaches the Caspian Sea. He sends reports home stating that there isn’t anything interesting out that way.
25 AD: An irate man in strange clothes, speaking in an unknown language attempts to stop several soldiers as they crucify a Jewish man. He fails to stop them due to a crippling and fatal bout of dysentery .
17 BC: Japeth of Judea thinks he could use a new smock.
274 BC: Rendithes of Corinth pens the most beautiful poem ever written. A visitor from nearby Porlock knocks over an olive oil lamp, causing a fire which burns down Rendithes’ house with all its contents.
440 BC: After wandering the entire Mediterranean, Herodotus remembers where he left his change purse.
765 BC: Ancestors of the Ainu people of Japan amuse themselves by using a wooden board with a snow monkey tied loosely on top to plug up geyser holes, then watch the resulting expressions on the monkeys’ faces when the geyser erupts.
901 BC: Cruthoatlec drags a valuable load of jade to his home across the isthmus of Panama, creating the first and short-lived Panama Canal.
1300 BC: A Phoenician named Dehrem steps on a sea snail and has an idea.
3,809 BC: A trader, who by pure coincidence is named Seanconnery, invents cuneiform.
12,003 BC: Shurprizh, a resident of Southwest Asia, produces the first play in history. It is remarkably similar to an unaired episode slated for the second season of My Mother the Car.
109,800 BC: After dropping a goose egg on a rock near the fire, Omak eats it, finding that the heat has transformed the egg into a congealed, rubbery substance. He spits it out and goes to look for some berries.
507,032 BC: A human band wins its third consecutive war against a nearby group of chimpanzees, thanks mostly to Churdu’s excellent rock-hurling prowess.