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Category Archives: Lifestyle
Helpful Hints for Daily Life
1. They say that fish is brain food, so why not eat the smartest fish of all; the dolphin.
Studies show that eating one pickled dolphin brain a day can raise your SAT score by as many as three points.
2. Try trepanation; it releases pressure on the brain so more wisdom can fit in there.
3. Attach a couple of 9V batteries to a magnet and then run a wire to a knitting needle. Just jam the needle in your head and you’ll be using electro-mental powers in no time.
4. Wear a metal colander on your head. It helps focus mental radiation.
5. Use chemicals to break down the blood-brain barrier so you can let all your symbiotic parasites help with the thinking.
6. Try handy mnemonic devices. For instance you can remember the order of the first Ten Amendments to the Constitution as Only (one) Tumulous (two) Thoroughbreds (three) Fight (four) Fancy (five) Souped-up (six) Silverfish (seven) Every (eight) Night (nine) Tentatively (ten). Easy as pie.
7. You know the metal colander on your head that keeps in mental radiation? Cover it with
tinfoil, to help block out anti-mentation interference (AMI).
8. Try to imagine squares, circles, and triangles as three-dimensional objects.
9. Plug up your nose and ears with cotton balls to stop your knowledge from leaking out.
10. Try thinking harder.
Ask Montezuma: Caliguly 2006
Besides being a syndicated columnist,
Montezuma is also a talented light-house
refurbisher, fisherman, and watercolour
aficionado.
Dear Montezuma,
I noticed that in some of your earlier columns it was called “Dear Montezuma.” This was discovered because I lost one of my favorites and had to go to the library to look through their back issues, where I discovered that all the columns were now called “Ask Montezuma.” I couldn’t find any of the “Dear Montezuma” columns. In fact, even your images have been changed. Did you, in fact, die in a car crash? Are you, in fact, an imposter created by the Axes & Alleys editors?
Sincerely,
Lois L. Louis
Peoria, IL
In the earliest part of my tenure with Axes & Alleys I attended a wonderful meeting of minds at the national headquarters of the Union of Advice Columnists United. Many days were spent imbibing various European liquors, supping on barbecued oysters and discussing the advice-giving methods of the day. Several of my colleagues queried me about changing the font of the column. Many thought their readers might confuse my column with theirs if it was titled in the same font. Fonts are of interest to some, but not to me, so immediately I gave over. However, according to the layout director, the new font simply did not balance well with the page. He valiantly attempted changing the size of the font, unlimbering his fingers to help him select a new size from a drop down menu, but at its very end the title still didn’t look good in his eyes. I suggested that since most people ask me questions, we might consider trying “Ask Montezuma” instead. This caused a flurry of excitement in the layout director and he spent several hours changing to the new name, which according to him “looked okay.” And so that was the title with which we went. Even in the small things I proffer excellent advice.
Hey Montezuma,
I want to know what the best way is to get ear wax off of a cat.
Best,
Tegan Quin
Vancouver, BC
Tegan, Cat Fancy, Kitty Cat Care Weekly, and the MCATDA Veterinary Medicine Department all recommend using the Extra-Feline Substance Removal Manual IV as a reference for all such needs.
Dear Montezuma,
I love giant roadside attraction figures, like that life-size Jolly Green Giant in Minnesota, or the vengeful Father Junipero Serra in California. I don’t care what they’re made of. It can be plaster, fiberglass, chicken wire and goat carcasses. I really don’t care. Can the blood of a mongoose truly offer salvation?
Ziggy
Highway 45 West
Oh dear, Zigger, you’re in quite a conundrum there. Your interest in salvation via the ichor of a member of the Herpestidae family coupled with your five-lettered name beginning in Z shows me via deductive reasoning that you are a member of the Pleistopodean religion. As such, and given the location from which you are writing, I must remind you that you may have excommunicated yourself by writing a letter whilst facing west. The imperilment of your salvation has, unfortunately, likely been assured.
Montezuma,
Do 24 hour candles really burn for 24 hours? Is there a way to test this?
Yours,
Eli Jitney Bamburger
Grand Flemish, AC
Unfortunately I am at this time involved in a lawsuit with several makers of 24 hour candles and unable to comment at this time.
Dear Montezuma,
How come I am forced to go to a public indoctrination facility for six hours out of every day for 14 years, because if I don’t gun-toting thugs who call themselves the government will come to my home and kill my parents?
Moog Mossberger
Helena, MT
MM, although incidences of parents who have refused to send their children to public indoctrination centers and thus been killed by the government has decreased somewhat in the first two quarters of the year, this continues to be a concern to many Americans. Of course the military operations conducted against thousands of citizens for tax evasion in conjunction with the court system maintains its place as the number one problem in the country today. The best solution is a system whereby small groups of families and residents band together by voluntary agreement in order to manage their affairs. Public sanitation, light and heavy industry, technical innovation and mutual defense are more easily carried out by untaxed citizens controlling their own affairs rather than the monstrous indignity and inevitable infringement of rights inherent in a centralized federal government.
Dear Montezuma,
My dad got a promotion, we’re now wealthy and live in a different city. The neighbors have a ton more money, but they’re a bunch of no-good snobs who look down on me and my family. The other kids sometimes snicker at me and run after me yelling “nouveaux riches.” Nevertheless, my mother thinks they’re perfect. We’ve argued about it constantly, but she says their coffee table books are better than ours. Is it true that the neighbors are perfect and better than us?
Sally McPhee
Yonkers, NY
Sally, yes it is true. The more money you have, the better kind of person you are, both by society’s standards and natural law. The high-quality coffee table books are simply further proof of the state of affairs. You might complement the other kids on their enlightened embrace of the endowments given to them by their Creator as well as their excellent grasp of French phraseology.
Ask Montezuma: Clauduary 2006
Montezuma’s new band Organ Transplant By Proxy is currently on tour with Peter Frampton and Rivers Cuomo’s Weezer.
Dear Montezuma,
My aunt, who is Welsh, gave me a brand new Macedonian flag the other day. It’s absolutely beautiful, its bright red and yellow stripes almost look like a weirdo Japanese flag. I’ve got it hanging up in my bedroom so I can think about Macedonia while I make love to my girlfriend. I guess what they say about that fine nation’s flag enhancing lovemaking is true! Which makes me curious. Why do male ducks often drown female ducks when they do it?
Simon Smedleyman
Lathe, NE
Simon, did you know that Macedonia is also the Land of the Rising Sun? In 1946 over 300,000 Japanese refugees arrived in Macedonia. Through some as yet inexplicable phenomenon, many doorways in Japan lead to the verdant fields of the Balkans. With these fleeing wretches came throngs of Asian ducks. Ducks from the Orient are generally much larger than the species which are their counterparts on the European mainland, though English ducks are themselves quite large. Those fabulous Brittanic water fowl have been throughout their history quite lazy, so no problems ever arose from that quarter. However, with such a rapid influx of oversized quackers appearing in the middle of the great Socialist Republic of Macedonia, things began to change. The mischievous birds from afar soon took a liking to the delicate, flat-billed denizens of Europe. Unfortunately, what scienticians have dubbed the largeness gene is transmitted only through the male sex chromosome. While sexy duckish broads remained as dainty as can be, their brutish counterparts became so overgrown that they often destroy those with which they choose to procreate. You can see what a dangerous country this Macedonia is.
Montezuma!
I was coming out of the store last week and this dude is standing there all proud with his blue windbreaker what got SECURITY written on the back. Me, I was minding my business, but this hard case up and says hello to me a bunch of times and starts chasing me with a hilighter. Why’s this banana head wanna wave a pen in my face?
How A Real Dude Operates Nicely
Topeka, KS
My, my, HARDON, you’ve put me through quite the ringer on this one. Four cultures are known to greet strangers through the use of a merrycolored hilighter-styled penulator: Nicaraguans, Australians, Zambians, and the Remans. As the Remans no longer exist, we can rule them out. I called up an old 43 man squamish partner who works at the Department of Homeland Security, and she stated that no Zambians or persons of Zambian descent currently reside in Kansas. Australians have been assumed to exist, but this is not proven, so I believe it improbable your security man is one of them. This leaves us with your security guard being Nicaraguan. However, it is widely understood that the Uighur people will greet a passerby waving a hilighter to express melancholy.
Hi Montezuma,
I don’t really understand this “alt porn” stuff. I mean, I get that it’s supposed to appeal to people of my generation because everyone’s all tattooed and pierced and they have funky hair and some of the guys have sideburns. It’s apparent to me that they’re trying to present me with girls who look like the girls that live around me. The problem is, really, that I expect unwashed trendnik guys and punked-out girls to be licentious (I’ve been to a couple of Sum 41 shows). Why isn’t it as interesting as watching what you think is medical drama, only to discover that unthinkably the nursing staff is engaged in orgiastic rites with bed ridden accident victims?
Slappy Ass
Brooklyn, NY
Sociologists have discovered, Slappy Ass, that a prime component of any viewing of pornographic content involves the visualization of the participants at some point as elderly. This is quite easy to do when the characters presented to you are engaged in reasonable occupations and appear (apart from certain enhancements) to be standard issue humanity. Unfortunately this is quite impossible, it has been found, when viewing pornography containing the sub-culture you mention. Everyone expects such people to die at an early age due to an inability to gesture at one another about oncoming traffic, or an overuse of irony and sarcasm leading to massive blunt trauma to the cranium. Essentially, “alt porn” cuts out a necessary step from the erotic experience: believability.
Dear Montezuma,
I really like vintage, retro clothing and culture. Unfortunately, no one makes products for me: the girl who enjoys the culture of America in 1831. Is there some publication, shop, or online destination which might be able to fit my needs?
Rebecca Anne Delaney
Traviston, LA
RAD, no, there isn’t. I did manage to find the wonderful folks at 1833-o-Rama, in downtown Roanoke, Virginia, who specialize in all things from Canada in 1833. If you are capable of moving, changing your preferences only slightly in temporal and geographic terms, they could be just the place for you. 1833-o-Rama is a clean, welcoming place, which runs a mail order service by telephone or over the interconnected network.
Dear Montezuma,
Let’s say I had three nail clippers, a used up deodorant tube, a plain metal lunchbox, a bottle opener decorated by the Estonian flag, a dog food bowl with the name Saint Xavier on it, half a black boardand an uncovered cap of detergent. How much would that be worth in 2020 dollars?
Mickey Hart
Elmsworth, WY
About three Euros, but I’m unsure of the exchange rate that far in advance.
Have a question for Montezuma? Email him at montezumaREMOVE@MEdanielbester.com.
Ask Montezuma
Answers From the Great Beyond!!!
Montezuma II recently wed pop singer Anne Riboflavin. Their first child, Autumn, is scheduled to be born this summer. He enjoys bridge, checkers, fasting and colouring books.
Dear Montezuma,
First of all, I am a normal fellow who has had many healthy long-term relationships. But for some reason every woman I’ve ever dated, hooked up with or even made out with at a party has been named Michelle Thompson. What is up with this strange thing?
Michael Thompson
Thompson, GA
Mike, have you considered your local Council Law 36257 which states “All female children born within the city limits shall be lastly named in accordance with the name of this fair city (Thompson) and shall be firstly named with an Anglicized version of the greatest of Archangels, Michael?” Well, you would be good not to consider it as this law was repealed in 1935. However, the tradition still remains rampant amongst the populace and you are more likely to engage in physical activity with a woman within the confines of Thompson who is named Michelle Thompson than anywhere else on the planet earth other than Angkor Wat.
Dear Montezuma,
How do trees work?
Fiona “Gator” Stevens
Hambone Council, FL
Trees have a very poor work ethic. Continue reading