Ask Montezuma

Answers From the Great Beyond!!!

Montezuma II

Montezuma II recently wed pop singer Anne Riboflavin. Their first child, Autumn, is scheduled to be born this summer. He enjoys bridge, checkers, fasting and colouring books.

Dear Montezuma,

First of all, I am a normal fellow who has had many healthy long-term relationships. But for some reason every woman I’ve ever dated, hooked up with or even made out with at a party has been named Michelle Thompson. What is up with this strange thing?

Michael Thompson
Thompson, GA

Mike, have you considered your local Council Law 36257 which states “All female children born within the city limits shall be lastly named in accordance with the name of this fair city (Thompson) and shall be firstly named with an Anglicized version of the greatest of Archangels, Michael?” Well, you would be good not to consider it as this law was repealed in 1935. However, the tradition still remains rampant amongst the populace and you are more likely to engage in physical activity with a woman within the confines of Thompson who is named Michelle Thompson than anywhere else on the planet earth other than Angkor Wat.

Dear Montezuma,

How do trees work?

Fiona “Gator” Stevens
Hambone Council, FL

Trees have a very poor work ethic.They will hardly lift a finger to perform any task and noticeably lack even fingers to lift for tasks. They will not move from their designated living places due to an inherent laziness present in all arboreal life forms. The major domos of the physics world have found that trees do not even follow the rigid laws of work as described by history’s greatest physicists. No, you will not find a single erg expended by the variform faunal inhabitants of this planet. It is well known that the greatest witticism told by the honourable William Shakespeare was that of the woods marching in the night. Ha ha ha, I laugh, whenever I read this passage. What a scamp that Will was.

Dear Montezuma,

After his death George Washington was named General of the Armies of the United States, the rough equivalent of seven star general. Pershing, of First World War fame was, after his retirement, named General of the Army of the United States, a possible six star general. Do these ranks really mean anything at all since they do not involve actual commands? Do these ceremonial ranks really count, I mean, does the Army have established pay scales for six and seven star generals?

Raymond Glastonberry
Winston-Salem, NC

I receive this question from time to time, Raymond, and have always refused to answer it. You see, I find your kind contemptible. Sitting in your comfortable lounging apparatus, deigning to direct the target of war with your lack of experience, proposing to win this or that historical battle with the benefit of hindsight. You sicken me, you sicken all those who have bought a ticket to a real battle and you sicken the common man with your boorishly intellectual ideals and logical disconnects from the reality of having a gun pointed at your face. You, all of you, think yourselves so handsome, so genteel, but we of the public and the veterans have your real number.

Dear Montezuma,

How do they cream the corn in creamed corn? How is possible to cream corn after it’s already in the can?

Charlotte Banray
Bestoria, MV

Have you considered, Charlotte, that perhaps the term creamed does not actually apply to the corn itself? All creamed corn is found in cans. All cans contain a processed product of one form or another. It is the corn’s location in a can which presupposes to give the corn its moniker. HOWEVER, you’ll say, there are other kinds of corn contained in cans. To this I say merely that the cans have been mislabeled.

Dear Montezuma,

What’s up with these groups of people who play music? They name themselves stuff like “Bill Haley and the Comets,” “The Spin Doctors,” or “Liz Phair and the Pharos.” Can’t these people get real jobs like ordinary people? I, for instance, have a real job as a machinist down at the plant.

Soren Kirkegaard IV
Tungsten, EL

One way to get stains out of a carpet is to replace the carpet. While, existentially, this does not actually remove the stain from the carpet, it does replace the carpet with a reasonable facsimile indistinguishable from the original. Another way is to carefully cut out the stained area and mend it with a new piece of carpet. While difficult, it makes for a great story to tell to visiting guests. You can challenge them to find the bit of carpet that was replaced and if you did your job right, they’ll never be the wiser.

Dearest Montezuma,

My heart is broken. The television networks have cancelled my favorite show about a terrorist with a heart of gold who comes to love his neighborhood populated by vampires and gays and no longer wishes to destroy them in a fiery conflagration. It’s a rapacious situational comedy with all the hallmarks of a classic. What can I do to improve my chances at a job interview?

Neville Farrelly
Phoenix, AZ

Nevy, jobs are interesting. They involve so much time and energy on one’s part, so that happiness and continued living can, well, continue. However, many people find themselves consumed with their job, staying late and thinking about it often while outside of the office. One way to break out of this malodorous cycle is to make inappropriate jokes at work. Fart jokes, semen jokes and racialist jokes, will often serve to place the workplace on an even keel with the personal space. Leaving small bodily excretions about the office may also help to denude the job of any additional significance it may have.

Hey Montezuma,

Please hope me.

Carrie Branagh
Augusta, GA

It’s fun to watch frogs attack, but there is something a little odd about the arguments resulting from frog attacks. Toads never suggest that frogs’ wider claim (“this kind of thing has happened before”) is wrong. There’s something weird about toads wrapping themselves in the Constitution and being so obviously on the verge of singing “God Bless America” without even once pointing out that, yes, toads have just committed some appalling crimes, and that, yes, they have done so in the past. The obvious obscenity of toads is not that they have dry skin, it’s that they think they can use the general gauzy romanticizing of amphibians to somehow excuse this latest atrocity. “Well, if frogs committed crimes, it clearly can’t be such a big deal, can it?” I suppose I think the more rhetorically effective point for frogs to make would have been ironic rather than outraged: “So, toads, tell us—now that you know you were instancing a case of frog crimes, do you still want to suggest that when crimes happen we should just say “frogs are hell” and move on?”

Dear Montezuma,

Why do mom and dad seem to hate me? I always clean my room, do my other chores and am respectful of them. I just don’t get it.

Lucy Pogstaff
New York, NY

Lucy, your parents are not only imperfect, but they are failures. Jonas Pogstaff, from my research, has failed in his algae farming business at least three times. Judging by that performance, I am surprised you are even able to pen a query to this column. Margaret Pogstaff, on the other hand, has been placed in the first precinct’s drunk tank on numerous occasions, several during what can only be assumed to have been your gestation within her womb. The damage done from this is quite evidenced by your inability to capitalize the nouns associated with your parents. I would not be surprised if you were unable to grasp, learn from, and apply the teaching of the Chicago Manual of Style. Your letter did not even include any return address above the body. The M*A*S*H* theme song may state that suicide is painless, but I hope that for the betterment of society you take a more painful way out. I would suggest bank robbery, capture by serial killer or overindulgence of tomato sauce.

Send questions to:
c/o The Albigensian Daily Register
Two Rivers, Debuque, North Umberland
Southern Algeria

Answers will appear within two weeks of receipt.

2 thoughts on “Ask Montezuma

  1. Dear Montezuma:

    I’ve never “gotten” math although I’ve always wanted to throw around jargon like “infinite series” or “the square root of pie”. Is this because I have no nose?

  2. Oh, Tycho, you always do attempt to fool me with your curious banter about and around the art, be it perhaps science, of mathematics. Simply because you do not have the nose which God gave you, does not mean you are nasally lacking. Why, your silver rhinoplasty is the envy of the court.

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