Ask Montezuma: Caliguly 2006

Montezuma II
Besides being a syndicated columnist,
Montezuma is also a talented light-house
refurbisher, fisherman, and watercolour

Dear Montezuma,
I noticed that in some of your earlier columns it was called “Dear Montezuma.” This was discovered because I lost one of my favorites and had to go to the library to look through their back issues, where I discovered that all the columns were now called “Ask Montezuma.” I couldn’t find any of the “Dear Montezuma” columns. In fact, even your images have been changed. Did you, in fact, die in a car crash? Are you, in fact, an imposter created by the Axes & Alleys editors?
Lois L. Louis
Peoria, IL

In the earliest part of my tenure with Axes & Alleys I attended a wonderful meeting of minds at the national headquarters of the Union of Advice Columnists United. Many days were spent imbibing various European liquors, supping on barbecued oysters and discussing the advice-giving methods of the day. Several of my colleagues queried me about changing the font of the column. Many thought their readers might confuse my column with theirs if it was titled in the same font. Fonts are of interest to some, but not to me, so immediately I gave over. However, according to the layout director, the new font simply did not balance well with the page. He valiantly attempted changing the size of the font, unlimbering his fingers to help him select a new size from a drop down menu, but at its very end the title still didn’t look good in his eyes. I suggested that since most people ask me questions, we might consider trying “Ask Montezuma” instead. This caused a flurry of excitement in the layout director and he spent several hours changing to the new name, which according to him “looked okay.” And so that was the title with which we went. Even in the small things I proffer excellent advice.

Hey Montezuma,
I want to know what the best way is to get ear wax off of a cat.
Tegan Quin
Vancouver, BC

Tegan, Cat Fancy, Kitty Cat Care Weekly, and the MCATDA Veterinary Medicine Department all recommend using the Extra-Feline Substance Removal Manual IV as a reference for all such needs.

Dear Montezuma,
I love giant roadside attraction figures, like that life-size Jolly Green Giant in Minnesota, or the vengeful Father Junipero Serra in California. I don’t care what they’re made of. It can be plaster, fiberglass, chicken wire and goat carcasses. I really don’t care. Can the blood of a mongoose truly offer salvation?
Highway 45 West

Oh dear, Zigger, you’re in quite a conundrum there. Your interest in salvation via the ichor of a member of the Herpestidae family coupled with your five-lettered name beginning in Z shows me via deductive reasoning that you are a member of the Pleistopodean religion. As such, and given the location from which you are writing, I must remind you that you may have excommunicated yourself by writing a letter whilst facing west. The imperilment of your salvation has, unfortunately, likely been assured.

Do 24 hour candles really burn for 24 hours? Is there a way to test this?
Eli Jitney Bamburger
Grand Flemish, AC

Unfortunately I am at this time involved in a lawsuit with several makers of 24 hour candles and unable to comment at this time.

solar system

Dear Montezuma,
How come I am forced to go to a public indoctrination facility for six hours out of every day for 14 years, because if I don’t gun-toting thugs who call themselves the government will come to my home and kill my parents?
Moog Mossberger
Helena, MT

MM, although incidences of parents who have refused to send their children to public indoctrination centers and thus been killed by the government has decreased somewhat in the first two quarters of the year, this continues to be a concern to many Americans. Of course the military operations conducted against thousands of citizens for tax evasion in conjunction with the court system maintains its place as the number one problem in the country today. The best solution is a system whereby small groups of families and residents band together by voluntary agreement in order to manage their affairs. Public sanitation, light and heavy industry, technical innovation and mutual defense are more easily carried out by untaxed citizens controlling their own affairs rather than the monstrous indignity and inevitable infringement of rights inherent in a centralized federal government.

Dear Montezuma,
My dad got a promotion, we’re now wealthy and live in a different city. The neighbors have a ton more money, but they’re a bunch of no-good snobs who look down on me and my family. The other kids sometimes snicker at me and run after me yelling “nouveaux riches.” Nevertheless, my mother thinks they’re perfect. We’ve argued about it constantly, but she says their coffee table books are better than ours. Is it true that the neighbors are perfect and better than us?
Sally McPhee
Yonkers, NY

Sally, yes it is true. The more money you have, the better kind of person you are, both by society’s standards and natural law. The high-quality coffee table books are simply further proof of the state of affairs. You might complement the other kids on their enlightened embrace of the endowments given to them by their Creator as well as their excellent grasp of French phraseology.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.