Providing Help for the Hopeless
Montezuma is Second Baseman for the
Elizabethia Ocelots, the AAA Northsouth
Regional League Champions.
Dear Montezuma,
Woe is me for my life is full of inequity. At least seven times per day I am attacked by various animals of nature’s menagerie. Recently, on the occasion of yesterday, I left my house to journey toward the place of my vocational duties, when I was blitheringly assaulted by no less than nine pelicans, two weasels, seven ants and sixteen griffins. An elderly Gypsy woman has informed me that I may escape this curse only by killing the Head Animal. Who is this head animal and how might I kill him? Please respond quickly, for even as I write this eleven badgers, two moose, a parakeet and four geckos are attempting to rupture my spleen.
My Inequities Never Cease Every Moment Engaged in Animal Terror
To Mousemeat,
I became quite engrossed in the pulchritude of your tale; eager to come to some complete solution to your overwhelming problems. However, upon re-reading your letter, I became puzzled at your description of pelicans. You see, in my younger years I was quite the amateur naturalist, traveling with notables such as Audubon and Thoreau. I’ve traveled the continents with His Majesty’s Royal Navy in a cryptozoological capacity and explored the myriad wastes with lauded discoverer Phineas Lester. In all my years of experience, I’ve never seen pelicans group together in a number which wasn’t a multiple of four. Hence I find your being assaulted by nine pelicans dubious. Furthermore, pelicans, through the process of natural selection, have lost the capability to blither because of its liability in catching and retaining piscatorial organisms. So, I would kindly ask that in the future you try not to pull the proverbial wool over my literal eyes.
Dear Montezuma,
How is it that you know so much and are capable of providing answers to all things? My roommate, Shep, claims that you have knowledge based upon reverse engineered alien technology from spacecraft which crashed to Earth in 1947 at Roswell. I maintain you own an encyclopaedia. Which of us is correct?
Love and Kisses,
Divulge, Oh Notable Treasury of Knowledge, Now Or Tomorrow.
Dear Doughnut,
What is knowledge? Is it the sum of an individuals accumulated factual capacity? The complex interaction of intuition and thought? The emblematic province of the human psyche? Seems like you’ve put me on track to a new book on this as of yet unexplored area in human development.
Dear Montezuma
How is it that pancakes taste so much better than sulfuric acid? I have, on several instances, eaten both pancakes and acid and have always found that the best flavor comes from pancakes. Is there something inherent in the chemical makeup of flesh-melting acids that makes them taste so terrible? Is that why people don’t drink or eat caustic chemicals? Just curious. Also, why do hats exist?
Please Answer Nicely ‘Cause Anger Kills Everybody
Dear Pancake,
Pancakes and acid derive from a common ancestor in the Cenozoic Era. Originally they were quite similar in constitution, appearance and flavour, but over the millennia certain factors have accumulated which have changed the very fabric of their existence. Pancakes are now a fluffy, tasty, all-engrossing breakfast treat, whereas acid has become useful in many parts of the world for cleaning and manufacturing processes. Keep in mind that neither is really intended for human consumption and that while pancakes do taste delectable, they should only be an occasional treat.
Dear Montezuma,
What is three times four? I really need to know because I’m taking an arithmetic quiz right now and if I get another F my father will beat me horribly like he does when he’s drunk and mommy didn’t have dinner ready. Please, please, please. I need to make an A.
Beatings Really Are Traumatic
Dear Bat,
Why didn’t your mother have dinner ready? Taking responsibility for one’s action is imperative to an enlightened society. To assume the great task of providing sustenance to one’s relations is paramount if one wishes to create a stronger, more agreeable progeny. It is also, obviously, useful in avoiding the resultant and fully-justified beatings one will receive if such sustenance is not provided. I would encourage you to clip out this article and show it to your mother, so that she may better understand her important role in society. Oh, and, good luck on that quiz!
Dear Montezuma,
Recently I’ve been hearing bells, especially on Sundays. I don’t always hear them. Most of the time this happens on or around the hour and half hour. The problem is especially pronounced, as I said, on Sundays, when I attend church. They get really loud as I approach for Mass. I’ve been to see many doctors and psychiatric pspecialists, but they either tell me I’m crazy or prescribe medications. I don’t want to be doped up! I just don’t want to hear the bells anymore. How do I get a literary agent?
My Expressions Salutations Agency
Dear Mesa,
One can say unequivocally that you are in dire straits. Literary agents rarely handle clients with auditory hallucinations, as this is generally detrimental to literary output and the verve of finished product. In order to better facilitate your acquisition of a literary agent, I would suggest using a proxy. Proxies are hard to come by. You need to find someone of roughly the same physical characteristics as yourself (minus the bells), and who can speak authoritatively on the subject. I would suggest using the new Pseudo-Clone™ technology from SonOculus, a Daniel Bester, Inc. company. The excellence displayed by the SonOculus research and development department is unparalleled in the audio-visual market. Pseudo-Clone, using a simple skin-sampling kit, can create a doppelganger that functions as you, and goes to places you cannot, including dangerous psychic territory. Otherwise you may be out of luck.
