Ask Montezuma: May 2004

Montezuma is the world’s foremost answer man and advice counselor.

His latest book Montezuma Answers These Questions and More, More, More is currently number 163 on the New York Times Bestseller List.

His other books include Montezuma’s Answers to Every Question Ever, and Montezuma’s Answers to Even More Every Question Ever. He has also written the mystery novels Tyndale and the Missing Hat, and Tyndale in the Observatory.

Desperate Passions, his first romance novel, debuts on May 22nd.

Dear Montezuma,

Why is it that so many hateful dictators are moustachioed? Hitler, Stalin, Captain Kangaroo, Hussein, Peron and Magnum P.I. are all excellent examples of dictators who wore moustaches. Is there something inherently evil in sub-nasal/über-labial hair that causes these men to dictate? Please respond quickly, I have a bet riding on this and need the money to pay off my loansharks. They threatened to break my thumbs.


Count Klaus von Buellen

Your Eminence Count von Buellen! With much surprise and resultant trepidation did I open your letter of January 22. However, chagrined was I to find that you were querying me again with one of your moustache manifestoes. Why must you incessantly harp on the subject of the supposed moustache-dictation convector? As I’ve explained to you on several previous occasions, the moustache causes an irritation to the upper lip, setting up a quiver in the oral musculature. In order to avert an itching, tingly feeling in their palate, nose and lips, moustachioed men must, quite frequently, expound upon various subjects which are forthwith to be written down. Make sure that next time you approach me with a concern, it’s something more appropriate, like tilapia farming.

Dear Montezuma,

Recently, I have found myself, in the crattera-filled hours of the morn, wondering if it might be possible to condition, or otherwise teach, program or force a home appliance (perhaps a toaster) to feel love or any other emotion which can be identified by an emoticon. Please express your answer as the sum of two cubes.


H.B. Pensylle

Hoe Boy,

My assistant Juan Carlos Domenico Flores suggested that 36 would be an appropriate response, but I find (and I think you’ll agree) that such humour is inappropriate for a publication such as this reaching the kind of audience it does. Juan Carlos Domenico Flores has rendered years of dedicated service to assisting me in all literary and toiletry needs. It is unfortunate that Juan Carlos Domenico Flores had to make such a rueful mistake. His suggestion and the resultant bellamure it caused have forced me to fire Juan Carlos Domenico Flores, who will receive no compensation, severance pay or retirement fund. He is allowed to keep his personal annuity, but his wardrobe and makeup have been forcibly returned by peace officers of the local magistrate.

Dear Montezuma,

I am at a loss for words. this verbial disadvantagement has imperatated me to improvisonate alphabeticalical combines not predicationed by the scribulations of the learnatory personamos of the Dictionaritomes of our matritorial linguation. Despite myself, I am disabuled from the formationing of any but my own verbiations. Any assistinationing by your mesomericanismos would be most gratitisilly appreciattened.


Hammond V. Nespoot

Hammond, my dear,

I don’t see what the fuss is you’re making. I can understand you perfectly and think that you should most definitely ask Betty out next time you’re at the diner.

Dear Montezuma,

My boyfriend enjoys certain sexual practices normally only associated with Norsemen and the Japanese Ainu culture. I find this distressful because of my ancestral relations to Fijian and Lesothan sexual innovators. Obviously the historical tensions between the Norse-Japanese and Fijo-Lesothans have been at an all-time high recently and this has impacted our love life. Furthermore, our son is experiencing traditional Norse-Lesothan-Fijo-Japanese discrimination from classmates of the majority Serbo-Canadian-Kazakh-Aboriginal-Pradesh ethnicity. What kind of sandwiches would solve our problems?

Yours truly,

Marget Potsen Smith

Ms. Smith,

Traditionally a nice turkey with Jarlsberg, lettuce, tomato and pickles has been known to calm ethnic tensions across the globe, especially on seven grain bread. However, this situation is perplexing because all parties involved have a genetic predisposition to cucumber allergies. Therefore I suggest replacing the pickles with pickled turnips or cabbage. The resultant flatulence will also bring people together in the spirit of laughing at silly bodily sounds.

Do You Need Help With Life? Write to Montezuma…


Confused Mike

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