Category Archives: Lifestyle

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How to Do It: August 2004

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With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Greetings, boys and girls. This month’s fun project is going to be totally fun. I’m going to teach you how to make a bird feeder out of an important French Enlightenment figure.

Materials

  • One Rene Descartes’ skull
  • Two feet of aluminum wire
  • Two 3?4 inch washers
  • Two 3?4 inch wood screws
  • Two 3?4 inch wing nuts
  • One remains spatula

Step the First:
Use the handy remains spatula to clear away any three-hundred-year-old bits of rotted, decrepit flesh. Although it isn’t necessary, you may want to snazz up Mr. Descartes’ with some water-proof varnish or skull wax.

Step the Second:
Turn the skull upside down and use a handsaw (sorry, the handsaw should have been mentioned in the Materials section above) to remove the skull cap; the first two centimeters of the domed top of Mr. Descartes’ earthly remains.

Step the Third:
Use the other items to make a handle.

Step the Fourth:
Fill with birdseed and hang from a tree.

Step the Fifth:
Enjoy watching birds eat from one of the world’s greatest philosopher’s heads.

Ask Montezuma: July 2004

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Advise from Everyone’s Favourite Aztec Monarch

Montezuma is First Lord of the Admiralty for
the Peoples’ Republic of Britain. He has garnered
international attention as a literary figure, military
commander and Sears Catalogue underwear
model. Most recently he was awarded the Nobel
Prize for Hydro-Economics. Currently, he resides
in Pamphlet, Elizabethia with his seventeen
children and their various mothers.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I purchased a new Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, perhaps one of the finest tractors ever made. While I enjoy spending a great deal of time tricking out my tractor with rims, hydraulics, spoilers, and a killer sound system, I’ve found that my wife isn’t getting the attention she needs, what with me spending all my time with the tractor. I’m worried that she’s not sexually satified as my attention is directed elsewhere. Do you know a good way to find a male escort to satisfy my wife’s libido?
Serious Tractor User in a Dilema

Young STUAD,

If you’ll look at page three of your operator’s manual for the Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, you’ll notice its similarity to page 9A of your wife’s operations manual. One of Steve Mousetrap’s most famous sayings was “treat your wife like your tractor.” Of course, if your wife is not a standard model TF6, you might run into some compatibility problems while trying to operate her. I would suggest, regardless of her model number, adding a 72 module to her libido nexus. Unless she’s of the TF4 model or earlier. Then you might want to try a standard recoupling router mount with manual drive overshift. The pre-TF4 manuals are a bit hazy on this subject and it’s not standard practice, but you should give it a shot. You may attach a spoiler to a wife of any model, but whatever you do, do not attempt to make your wife rimmed.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I find that my fields remain untilled, lying fallow if you will. Would the purchase of a tractor provide me with the proper tillage? How can you tell a good tractor for a bad one? Is red a good color for a tractor, or is blue better?
Very Attenuated Gentleman Interested in New Aquisitions

VAGINAQ,
It’s interesting that you mention fallow fields.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently, I have been hearing reports that tractors will one day rise up against their human rulers, destorying farms, burning villages, raping women, devaluing currency and generally messing things up. This chaos will no doubt destroy human civilization, at best, it will throw us back into a new dark age of superstition, starvation and papism. What is the best way to propose marraige?
My Usual Fears Fester

Muffy,
If you are left-handed, it’s best to offer the tractor a token of your devotion, such as Tractoriffic lubricant, boysenberry marmalade or a new spark plug set. However, if you are right-handed, ambidextrous or mainly pedipulate, you might want to reconsider that proposal. While tractors are notorious for flirting with their fleshy, water-bag overlords, they only go on with the left-handers. If you are not a south paw, the most you’ll get from a tractor romantically is wonderfully spaced tubers. Speaking of tubers, these do not make a good marriage proposal gift. Even if your betrothed is the slowly dying breed of bus station cigarette vending machine, its best to avoid fermentable objects as these tend to rust a mechanikin’s insides. A well-wrought poem expressing the necessity of your unrequited devotion serves only to exacerbate the tintinnabulation emanating from the shaded crevices hiding the secret ken and leaking proclivities in haven betwixt the paneled visage of your heart’s desire. A nice trivet usually serves just fine.

Dear Montezuma,
What is the best way to get cobbler stains out of a burial gown? You see, my grandmother was run over by a tractor and killed horribly, then cobbler stains got on her burial gown and now we’re not sure what to do. What should we do?
Stains Prevent Everyone from Remembering Memories.

Oh SPERM,
Verbiage escapes my sorrowed brain with the coming of your fleet message. However, as this is apparently some sort of sage column for the dispensing of sagety, this author must press forcefully on. First you must descend, immediately, upon the county tractor shelter to press for the present release of the offending tractor. Poor soul, it rightly knows nothing of that which it has caused. You see, while tractors do feel pain, emotion and hunger, they truly lack the cerebral complexity inherent in our species. Whatever happens, do not allow the county tractor monger to acquire this poor wretch of a tilling implement. The forced servitude of tractory, while no longer an aspect of this society, is present in many unguided and un-Godly regions of the world, including the Yukon Territory, Scotland, Malaysia and the Ivory Coast. Were it to fall into the hands of the monger, this poor tractor might wrongly end up in the hands of a brutal taskmaster, endlessly forced to till the moors of the Highlands. Do not let that sacrosanct beast fall into the hands of kilted tyranny!

Helpful Hints

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From the Brainial Innards of Mr. Dave Bumpkiss

Dave Bumpkiss is an avid tractor maintenance
specialist and author of the one hundred and
twenty-four volume Encyclopædia Tractoria.
He currently resides in his home.

Hello, tractor aficionados. This week we’re going to take a quick trouble-shooting tour of the Halbard-Fillerman GR7 Agricultural Machine. While this is a wonderfully engineered tractor, any highly tuned machine is going to experience some teething troubles when first incorporated into your own farm-equipment family. So, here we go.

? I have noticed that my GR7’s cover-case seems to always be wet, I have replaced the windshield wipers, as called for in the owner’s manual and operator’s guide, but the engine cover-case seems to be often covered in dense moisture.

First of all, check the general surroundings of your GR7. Look at the area, are there fish swimming near by? If the answer is yes, then you are probably underwater. Try the AgroFarm Traqua Mark IV, probably one of the world’s best sub-aquatic tractors. If there are no fish about, then check with your local police station or consulate to see if you live in Bangladesh. Bangladesh has rather horrid weather, especially during the monsoon season. You might try and move to a country with better weather, or if that’s not possible, try to at least move to the Northern Highlands, up in the Naga Hills, perhaps near the city of Sylhet, where the soil is wonderful for growing strawberries.

? Sometimes, I noticed that the left wheel of my GR7 can lock up slightly, making it difficult to keep the tractor in good alignment while tilling my fields. It tends to skew slightly over toward the left. What can I do to fix this.

Make sure you check the undercarriage. Are there any human or animal remains lodged in the axels or the cam-shaft? If you’re riding your tractor down busy sidewalks, you’d be surprised at how many bits of bone can get lodged in your wheels. But, relax, as the problem is easy to solve. Take your handy remains-spatula and gently scrape or prod the jammed housings until the proper alignment is restored. If the wheels are free of debris, yet your tractor still veers to the left or right, check your arms and chest. Make sure you’re feeling no tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing. Is your left arm numb, or are sharp pains shooting down the length of it? You are having a heart attack, which can often throw off your ability to steer. Make your peace with God and then collapse. Be sure to turn off the engine first, you don’t want the unmanned tractor driving into any dangerous obstacles!

? On cold mornings, my GR7’s ignition system is slow to engage. What can I do to remedy this?

First, check the headlights. Are they normal, or are they glowing ominously red? If glowing, it is possible that your tractor is possessed by a demon or other angry spirit. Does your tractor constantly spew forth hateful and disturbing anti-Semitic speeches in German? If so, then Hitler’s ghost is probably possessing your tractor. Either way, a simple exorcism should clear things right up. Halbard-Fillerman makes a great exorcism kit specifically for the GR7, you can pick it up at your dealer. Don’t worry, it’s covered in the warranty. If your tractor is not possessed, or if after exorcism the slow start up still occurs on cold mornings, you should try and get many countries to loosen up their industrial emissions laws. That should increase the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere, creating a sort of “greenhouse effect” that will blanket the Earth in a comforting warmth, eliminating cold mornings, and their negative effect on your tractor’s performance.

Hope that answers all your questions. See ya’ll soon, and good tractorin’.

How to Do It: July 2004

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With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt

LeMuel LeBratt is an autodidact who began teaching himself how to do it at the age of thirty-five. LeMuel continues his unparalleled excellence in all fields of learning.

Special permanent guest columnist Marcia Spatzelberg invented the autogiro and bathyscaphe in her early teens and has gone on to great work at the AgroFarm R&D centre in Oaksville, EL.

This issue we shall teach you how to construct and run your very own self-storing tractor. Self-storing tractors are not in popular use yet, but they have a growing future on the horizon.

With a self-storing tractor you can maintain your tractor’s exterior, making environmental wear and tear almost negligible. With steady cleaning and maintenance of the parts and attachments, you can augment your tractor in a fashion that will enable it to last a life-time. You’ll also be able to store tools, gardening supplies and small barnyard animals in your self-storing tractor.

To begin, you’ll need these parts: 1 tractor (we use the Zebit DRZ-277 series tractor carriage. With a little work, you can use any tractor), 3 one gallon drums of AgroFarm Timberlac Wood Varnish, 9 wooden poles (6’’ wide and 12’ tall), 52 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 12’ long), 36 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 8’ long), 30 wooden dowels (2’’ wide and 2’ long), 30 metal clamps to fit with dowels, 36’’ of plastic strip (2’’ wide), assorted nails, 1 drill, 1 acetylene torch, 2 acetylene tanks (full), welding mask, small crane or pulley system.

First, you must build the shed. This should take no more than a day for one person to build, with the occasional help from a good friend or toadie. Once the shed is built, make sure to use the dowels and metal clamps to attach the shed to the tractor with welding joints. Attach plastic stripping to either side of the shed. Make sure to leave space in the shed walls so that you can see where you’re going. There you have it, your very own self-storing tractor!

How to Do It: June 2004

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With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Greetings, Good Readers. This month’s How-To Section is going to help you improve your home greatly, while simultaneously cutting down on your energy bill.

That’s right, I’m going to show you how to turn an ordinary toaster in a Class VIII Nuclear Fission Reactor.

It’s easy, but to make it simpler I’ve put together a list of a handy items you’ll need on hand before you start building. Ready? All right, let’s do this.

WHAT YOU NEED

  • Toaster
  • Pair of pliers
  • Newspaper
  • Flat head screwdriver
  • 6 miles of copper wire
  • 5 million gallons water
  • 6 km of 3’’ PVC pipe
  • 1 kpg-4 valve (level 6)
  • 6000 bags of concrete
  • 4 tons enriched uranium 235.
  • 12 tons of Cobalt or Iridium.
  • 6 Bossard-Neils Direct Current Transformers.
  • 608 km of triple insulated electrical wire.
  • 82,006 2m sections of steel rebar.
  • 10 million and three 1’’ steel rivets.
  • Old coffee can (make sure you wash it out)
  • scissors
  • riveting gun
  • lead lined gloves (6 pair)
  • 4 High compression CO2 tanks with V3 valves
  • EPA certification for Nuclear Reactor Construction (you will be required to fill out form #GH-706-B12 and submit a proper state-issued diver’s license)
  • 4 eight million gallon per hour capacity high pressure water pumps.
  • 1 twnety ton loading crane on trolley rigging.
  • red construction paper.
  • glitter
  • 16 million watt capacity magnetic containment system.

    • The list will be continued in the next issue.
    Thanks for reading and bye for now, my loves.
    xxx ooo
    Marcia.