Ask Montezuma: July 2004

Advise from Everyone’s Favourite Aztec Monarch

Montezuma is First Lord of the Admiralty for
the Peoples’ Republic of Britain. He has garnered
international attention as a literary figure, military
commander and Sears Catalogue underwear
model. Most recently he was awarded the Nobel
Prize for Hydro-Economics. Currently, he resides
in Pamphlet, Elizabethia with his seventeen
children and their various mothers.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I purchased a new Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, perhaps one of the finest tractors ever made. While I enjoy spending a great deal of time tricking out my tractor with rims, hydraulics, spoilers, and a killer sound system, I’ve found that my wife isn’t getting the attention she needs, what with me spending all my time with the tractor. I’m worried that she’s not sexually satified as my attention is directed elsewhere. Do you know a good way to find a male escort to satisfy my wife’s libido?
Serious Tractor User in a Dilema

Young STUAD,

If you’ll look at page three of your operator’s manual for the Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, you’ll notice its similarity to page 9A of your wife’s operations manual. One of Steve Mousetrap’s most famous sayings was “treat your wife like your tractor.” Of course, if your wife is not a standard model TF6, you might run into some compatibility problems while trying to operate her. I would suggest, regardless of her model number, adding a 72 module to her libido nexus. Unless she’s of the TF4 model or earlier. Then you might want to try a standard recoupling router mount with manual drive overshift. The pre-TF4 manuals are a bit hazy on this subject and it’s not standard practice, but you should give it a shot. You may attach a spoiler to a wife of any model, but whatever you do, do not attempt to make your wife rimmed.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I find that my fields remain untilled, lying fallow if you will. Would the purchase of a tractor provide me with the proper tillage? How can you tell a good tractor for a bad one? Is red a good color for a tractor, or is blue better?
Very Attenuated Gentleman Interested in New Aquisitions

It’s interesting that you mention fallow fields.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently, I have been hearing reports that tractors will one day rise up against their human rulers, destorying farms, burning villages, raping women, devaluing currency and generally messing things up. This chaos will no doubt destroy human civilization, at best, it will throw us back into a new dark age of superstition, starvation and papism. What is the best way to propose marraige?
My Usual Fears Fester

If you are left-handed, it’s best to offer the tractor a token of your devotion, such as Tractoriffic lubricant, boysenberry marmalade or a new spark plug set. However, if you are right-handed, ambidextrous or mainly pedipulate, you might want to reconsider that proposal. While tractors are notorious for flirting with their fleshy, water-bag overlords, they only go on with the left-handers. If you are not a south paw, the most you’ll get from a tractor romantically is wonderfully spaced tubers. Speaking of tubers, these do not make a good marriage proposal gift. Even if your betrothed is the slowly dying breed of bus station cigarette vending machine, its best to avoid fermentable objects as these tend to rust a mechanikin’s insides. A well-wrought poem expressing the necessity of your unrequited devotion serves only to exacerbate the tintinnabulation emanating from the shaded crevices hiding the secret ken and leaking proclivities in haven betwixt the paneled visage of your heart’s desire. A nice trivet usually serves just fine.

Dear Montezuma,
What is the best way to get cobbler stains out of a burial gown? You see, my grandmother was run over by a tractor and killed horribly, then cobbler stains got on her burial gown and now we’re not sure what to do. What should we do?
Stains Prevent Everyone from Remembering Memories.

Verbiage escapes my sorrowed brain with the coming of your fleet message. However, as this is apparently some sort of sage column for the dispensing of sagety, this author must press forcefully on. First you must descend, immediately, upon the county tractor shelter to press for the present release of the offending tractor. Poor soul, it rightly knows nothing of that which it has caused. You see, while tractors do feel pain, emotion and hunger, they truly lack the cerebral complexity inherent in our species. Whatever happens, do not allow the county tractor monger to acquire this poor wretch of a tilling implement. The forced servitude of tractory, while no longer an aspect of this society, is present in many unguided and un-Godly regions of the world, including the Yukon Territory, Scotland, Malaysia and the Ivory Coast. Were it to fall into the hands of the monger, this poor tractor might wrongly end up in the hands of a brutal taskmaster, endlessly forced to till the moors of the Highlands. Do not let that sacrosanct beast fall into the hands of kilted tyranny!

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