August 20, 2003 @ 3:23 pm
Written Correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Cheerio Boys,
Just thought I’d nip a few lines in the post for you to tell you how much I enjoy celery. It’s so crunchy. Crunch crunch crunch.
Sincerely Yours,
G. Gordon Liddy
To the Editor:
Many in this readership will no doubt find these comments disturbing. My aim is not to offend, nor to enlighten, but rather to state my own thoughts and opinions about the way in which our world is changing. These are but one person’s opinions and in no way should they be perceived as indicative of the opinions of any group; scientists, atheists, or such. They are merely words, which in this time, should be said, must be said, and I shall say them. Hate them if you will, shrug them off, but they still must be put down. In troubling times, an apologist must make known his or her concepts, else debate and progress cannot be forged out of argument and stagnation.
The recent attacks levied on human cloning by some people who continue to uphold Medieval concepts of gods and devils, are unfounded and baseless, particularly when one scrutinizes these practitioners’ own supposed “holy” texts. According to the Book of Genesis, the first commandment which Elohim gave to humans was “be fruitful and multiply.” Closely associated with this command was the similar “subdue the earth and rule over it.” It would seem to me that there were no stipulations as to how this multiplication was to be achieved. Revolutionary scientists are enabling this multiplication, and are managing through modern techniques new and bold ways for humankind to subdue the natural world. To one free from the mental constraints of archaic thought, human cloning appears to work well within the guidelines of the Bible and with this god’s ineffable plan.
I would warn the Papists and other such anachronistic thinkers, that due to their lot’s Aristotelian views they went against much of modern scientific thought, condemning everything from the Heliocentric model, the germ theory of disease, evolutionary biology, and now, human cloning. In all previous cases, their attacks have been unwarranted and unvictorious. Now, they unsheathe their sabers again for a bit more rattling, and based on the evidence of the past, their gestures will be meaningless as always.
And as for this supposed human dignity, I would answer back that we are but one tiny little twig on the tree of life, descendants of primordial unicellular lifeforms, and perhaps ancestors of many more types of creatures not yet seen in this kaleidoscope of life.
An attack on human cloning is not an attack on a medical procedure, it is an all out assault on science. Unfortunately, these religions believe themselves to have truth behind them, and unfortunately, science cannot claim this same dogmatic truth. Science is not a faith, and rarely does it give us certainties, often its discoveries lead only to more questions, many of which show us how insignificant our little band of Homo Sapiens Sapiens is. And that is why they fear science. But, that is why science will triumph. For, in what claims in can make, it provides proof, something which religion has yet to grasp.
It is now the year 2003, despite the emotional hold-outs who disagree, we are living in the future. We must embrace the future, and not hold on to the past. Human cloning is the future and our world will change. Despite what the religious thinkers believe, you cannot fight change and you cannot stop it. Yesterday’s outrage, will become tomorrow’s acceptance as we move into the darkness and light of the wonderful and terrifying things our future holds for us. In a world of nuclear weapons, disappearing ice caps, halls rife with rumors of war, the cloning of humans is last worry any one of us should have. Best Wishes, as always.
Pope John Paul II Vatican City
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September 20, 2003 @ 8:46 pm
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dearest Sirs or Madams,
I am crafting this correspondence in order that I may articulate my feeling as well as my mental conjecturations on the anomalous and entirely superfluous happenings which have recently begun appearing ever more frequently across this Great Republic.
These events, while both tragic and unrelenting, strike the fancies of the less than neurolomically resourced as amusing or titillating, and can be seen even as initiatory towards the development of animal magnetism in the injudicious.
These circumstances are most dread and I for one suggest that the bureaucrats of our nation’s governmenting bodies endeavor to put an end to these volatile and melificecious reoccurrences.
I would also like to extend my most sincere gratitudations to you, the editorixes of this superb periodical, for allowing me the opportunity to so clearly express my opinions against the torrid and pungent abominations.
Love in Christ,
Hubert Cecil Booth
inventor of the vacuum cleaner
To Whom it May Concern:
I am a professor of Archeology at the University of Tajikistan and have recently uncovered many interesting bits of pottery, many of which unfortunately are cracked and broken. Perhaps with some paste I may be able to mend them.
Love and Regards,
George Maxwell Richards
President of Trinidad and Tobago
Dear Confections Division of Kraft Foods,
Recently I purchased a package of your “Trolli Gummi Candy Sour Brite-Crawlers,” and gave them to my young children to enjoy as a snack. However, I was horrified when my youngest son showed the other children in the carpool the similarity of shape between your candy and the male reproductive anatomy. This similarity is far too close to have come about by pure accident. The candies incorporate both penis and scrotum, in a fashion which is entirely inappropriate for a children’s candy. As a parent, I find this deeply disturbing, and hope that Kraft Foods can rectify this obvious pornographic element within their candy division. The purposeful creation of these filthy penis candies is a black mark on the otherwise delightful variety of Kraft foods which I and my family have enjoyed for many years. I hope that this experience will not sour me against your company and your many fine, family appropriate food stuffs. I would ask that you return my dollar, and take these horrid candies off the shelves of supermarkets so that I can feel safe to shop with my family again.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hattie W. Caraway
first female U.S. Senator, D-Ark.
To the Editors of Axes and Alleys,
I find your lack of coverage for various beverages unwholesome. Beverages are a great boon to a free society, enabling the functions of government and constituency to take place. When you leave out beverages, you leave out the essence of life.
Don’t you understand that Ferdinand and Isabella sent Columbus’ expedition to the Americas in search of hot cocoa?
Throughout history beverages have made a major contribution to our lives. From cranberry juice to tea to various forms of cola; water, syrupy waters, vodka, rum and gin.
Why, Hiroshima would never have been bombed were it not for hops and barley.
Beverages are often overlooked by everyone who benefits from their great powers. They are tasty, taste good, and have a pleasant taste. They refresh, reanimate and in some cases heal terrible wounds. They send out fleets of ships and various other important things.
In closing, please include more beverages in your pages.
Sincerely,
Rose R. Daisey
World Hovercraft Consortium
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October 24, 2003 @ 11:44 pm
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Esteemed Sirs and Mdmes,
Throughout your previously printed perambulations and-nay, at times, peregrinations - thru the punctillia of terrestrial wonders, I have seen very little attention given to a subject very close to my heart and indeed as important a matter as there possibly is.
I am talking about the very ground itself: soil, in all its magnificent permutations, the very earth onto which the first slimy little pseudo vertebrates crawled and upon which we, the more advanced and infinitely more slimy vertebrates, now crawl!
Dirt, not to put too fine a point on it, my bailiwick, if you will. Sandy, loamy, claylike, muddy, ah, we betray our shame of the dirtiness of our origins by reviling our mother Earth day in day out-like the time my nanny caught me rolling on the parlor floor in her foundation garments that I’d “borrowed.”� “You dirty little boy,” �she fairly bellowed- though at the time what dirt had to do with anything, I am hard pressed to tell, unless of course you consider that she may have been worried about my rolling in her fresh clothes and would probably have to clean them again.
I didn’t think it was dirt I got on them. However that may be, I think we have relegated a mistakenly lowly estimation to dirt. It grows all our food, holds the trees down and our houses up. Why, many people do not even know the number of different varieties and types of dirt there are or that it is often full of decomposing and fermenting nutrients so very difficult to obtain in a normal modern diet. Why I myself am not above tossing a spoonful in my morning porridge and keep a sort of larder containing jars of the many different kinds for when friends of similar predilections drop by, you should see our meetings!
Now there are some dirty little bastards if you like! All smeared and dripping- well, let me not digress. Suffice to say, we would love to see more articles and studies along these lines-with pictures!
What say you-let’s have a little more dirt-eh? All the best in your tireless endeavors to civilize this clod, one reader at a time, and here’s mud in your eye.
Yours Truly,
Sir Evans Wang-Chung
(President, Malaysian Society of Soil Science)
Dear Persons to Whom This May Concern:
I would like to whole-heartedly congratulate you on the grandiose triumph of your invasion of Northern Italy. The swiftness with which you laid waste to the villages of the Lombards serves as an inspiration to us all, as does your burning of the purulent settlements of Venice. So, chip chip cheerio to you, good people, and much luck in your further endeavors and excursions.
Love,
Leo X of Sicily
To Axes and Alleys,
Last month’s issue featured Sammy “The Dark Wombat” Sneed’s nature article “How to Identify Various Types of Frogs’ Vomitous Excretions.” This article, unfortunately, featured several factual errors.
First and foremost, the vomit of the Hobson’s Lesser Grounded Frog (Ceratophrys migmum) is paste-like, with very very few bits of grit and extraneous pieces. While Sneed apparently felt that this vomit was coarse and gummy, I would have to disagree.
Secondly, the Boring Frog of the Upper Esperon Delta (Ceratophrys sansodor) has never vomited in captivity and thus the true texture of its naturally-occurring oral escapations cannot be positively known. Mr. Sneed has based his identifications of Boring Frog vomit only on the vomit of captured frogs which, from what I understand, bears little resemblance to the hypothesized vomit textures of the wild frogs. This does not appear to be fully scientific. Everything else appearing in the article was spot-on, though.
Good work, Sneedy.
Luscious Hattermourne
(Professor of English Literature, University of Chad)
Dear Cap’n,
It is very lucky that many of us are not shot on a daily basis. Why, I myself have ventured from my home on many daily occasions and have rarely had the flesh of my body torn to shreds by the terrifying power of shells, bullets, musket balls or harpoons. How fortunate for those of us who remain alive each day.
Victor Zokhast
(People’s Liberation Army)
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November 25, 2003 @ 7:56 pm
Dear Sirs, Madam and other Sirs,
I am writing to you in order to secure more photographic pictorializations of Dave.
On page 18 of “Axes and Alleys” issue 17, you feature a collectible visual reference square of Dave. We in our family have grown quite accustomed to our photograph of Mr. Davey (as we call him). We bring him with us to the talking pictures, have him around at supper time and leave him to his private time in the mornings. We believe he performs relaxing meditations based upon Oriental philosophical concepts, but are unsure. more »
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December 21, 2003 @ 9:43 am
To the Editors,
I would sincerely enjoin you to print this open letter to my constituents as their kind support has gotten me to the pinnacle I’ve reached as of Tuesday’s election. Citizens of Porkford and Pickle County, thank you for your kind consideration in electing me the 8th St. and James Madison Blvd. Weird Guy of the Porkford Civil Departments. I am deeply gratified and honored at the overwhelming support from this community. more »
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