October 24, 2003 @ 11:45 pm
Norway Invaded!
Flying High: New Norwegian dictator, Lumpy, presides as the Neo-Norwegian flag is hoisted above the capital
OSLO- Continuing a nearly two century trend in momentous governmental change for Norway, marmosets captured the entirety of Norway’s ruling parliament, the Storting, today. Chief Marmoset of Battle, Harold Longteeths, proclaimed “grrrraaaworweeep!”
The decisive move is more than likely the last in the boldest invasion since that of Sweden in the 19th Century. The Royal Family is reportedly on the run in Norway’s northern tundra. A division of marmoset commandos has been trailing King Harald V and the Crown Prince, who fled the palace and their respective wives in a fit of cowardice.
With the marmosets now creating a provisional Neo-Norwegian government, protests from around the globe seem impotent at best. “I understand that Norwegia has been attacked today. I know some white people are very upset at this moment and I would just like to say I feel their pain,” said President Handley of the U.S.
However, other world leaders seem particularly gleeful over the takeover. “I think those damned Norwegians got what they deserved. Maybe now the marmosets will share the women with us,” a jovial Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy declared.
Fear Rules the Streets: Marmoset attack on Oslo
It is not clear what the marmoset’s next moves in Norway or beyond will be, but the other Scandinavian countries have been girding for war, with backup evacuation plans to Iceland and Greenland in the works, the next year appears to be one of the greatest movements of Scandinavian peoples since the year 994.
Share This
Discussion (1)
December 24, 2003 @ 10:55 am
The Supreme Royal Court of the Holy Esperian Proletariat (from left): front row; King Simio IV, Queen Kuko lau’ Deziro Morto, back row (which is left to right); Grand Duchess Bestak de Biskvito, Lady Malsana Intesto and Generalissimo Homakipi Kun a Stulta C’Capelo
ESPERON - In an official statement reported by the RKA (Reg’a Komuniko de Aero), the official state-run media of the Royal Republic of Esperia, the Korteganaro de Esperia is planning an official state visit to New York City to coincide with the opening of the newly refurbished United Nations Snack Bar, which will now feature Starbucks Coffees among its other treats.
Pozicio Voc’o, official spokesman for the Royal House, declared in a recent press release “La Korteganaro estas anticipi ilia vojag’o al Ameriko. Kvankam milito, malami, et komerci konkurado fantomi nia du nacioj kiel turpa fantomoj, ni esperi la estonta esta pli bona.” Secretary of State Colin Powerl’s secretary sent out a form letter last Tuesday expressing similar regards.
Currently, the Royal Family is wintering in the Montoc’eno Mountains. While a specific arrival date in New York is unknown, courtiers have already contacted Vojagagentejo, the official state-run travel office of Esperia.
The United Nations Snack Bar will reopen on December 3d, with the Official Bagel BUttering Ceremony set to begin promptly at 10:34 AM, Eastern Time.
Share This
Discussion (0)
July 20, 2004 @ 8:30 pm
Eight Persons Consumed
in Deadly Tractor Fire!
Helmutsboro, WD- In what has become a startling trend across this great land, eight more lives were claimed Tuesday night by the Herkison “Semiglide Model V” Tractor-Mulcher. Although Imbecile Party Presidential Candidate and Self-Proclaimed “Product Safety Guru” Ralph Nader described the Semiglide Model V as “A fully dangerous piece of farming equipment which is unsafe at an measurable velocity,” the tractor remains popular amongst farmers due to its many spacious cup holders and its bucket seats, which can sit up to ten average sized adults.
Montsylvania College of Technology Design Arts Physics Professor Dr. Stephen Hocking claimed that Mr. Nader’s comments are unfounded as there is no way to measure both the velocity and position of the tractor simultaneously. “In fact,” added Hocking “the very act of measuring the tractor changes the very nature of the tractor, so there is no way to accurately measure it. Therefore, how does one ever determine a safe ‘measurable velocity’ of the Semiglide, or of any tractor or riding mulcher for that matter?”
Though Hocking’s defense of the tractor is scientifically accurate, this is of little consolation to the families of the Semiglide’s latest victims, the eight souls claimed Tuesday night when a Semiglide Model V belonging to Helmutsboro agriculturalist Tommy Thalmudge spontaneously burst into flames. Even though the victims attempted to escape, witnesses described that they died horrible, agonizing deaths in the flaming tractorous hell pit. The tendency of the Semiglide Model V to burst into flames without warning is attributed to the location of the main hydrogen bladder, which is directly adjacent to the tractor’s spark plug ignition mechanism. When the tractor’s engine is engaged, it is possible for rouge sparks from the ignition to contact the hydrogen bladder and cause spontaneous combustion, resulting in a massive fire which immediately consumes the tractor and all its unfortunate occupants.
In our exclusive interview, Mr. Nader questioned the very reasoning behind putting a hydrogen bladder on a tractor at all. “Why” he asks “Did the designers put a hydrogen bladder on a tractor? There is no reason to have it there at all, it doesn’t facilitate farming or tilling at all, in fact, the cumbersome bladder seems to get in the way of tilling actually. And, since hydrogen is highly flammable, it seems strange that the designers would include an unnecessary hazard that actually limited the capabilities of the machine. This is evidence of a very poor design.”
A spokesman for the Herkson Traction Company stated that while the company felt the pain of the victims’ families, the operating guide distributed with every tractor clearly states that there is a danger of combustion if the tractor is ever used for any reason. “These deaths are unfortunate” stated Herkson spokesman Tad Mailing “but to hold the company legally responsible for these deaths is absurd. The customers knew what they were doing, the danger is clearly stated in the owner’s manual, furthermore, not adhering to the manual not only voids the warranty, but also prohibits any legal action against the company.”
No matter who happens to be correct, it is a very sad day for Helmutsboro, and for all farmers and tractor fanciers everywhere.
Share This
Discussion (0)
October 5, 2005 @ 10:04 pm
HAIL TO THE CHIEF!
Crowds Erupt in Cheers as
ARMSTRONG
Takes the Reins of State
Dawn of a New Age: 49th President of the United States Dick Armstrong returns triumphantly to Washington D.C. after his inauguration. Happy days to follow.
The following is a report made earlier this year on President Armstrong’s inauguration, but, for some reason, we never published it.
NEWTOWN, PA: Though a light hellosh flittered to the ground it was not enough to stop a small crowd of well-wishers, supporters, fans and military personnel from coming out to watch as Richard Tojo Armstrong stepped up on the hastily constructed platform in the center of a farmer’s alfalfa field to be sworn in as the 49th President of the United States. more »
Share This
Discussion (1)
October 27, 2005 @ 9:27 pm
The War at Sea
Battle of Bering Sea
Declared Major Victory for Good Guys
Bering Sea October 3, 2005 – The latest naval engagement in the Bering Sea is set to send hostilities into a protracted state of being really, really high as the Good Guys have handed the Bad Guys their hat on the way out the door.
more »
Share This
Discussion (0)
