August 20, 2003 @ 5:07 pm
Poetry by the Great H.G. Peterson
A GUIDE TO MONKEYS
by H.G. Peterson
H. G. Peterson is a leading member of the Masters of the Illuminati,
the secret organization which governs the affairs of international
diplomacy, war, and world-wide commercial markets. He is also an
avid croquet player and enjoys listening to gramophone recordings.
H.G. Peterson’s Guide to Monkeys
(For Her Majesty Queen Victoria)
Monkeys are funny and covered with fuzz
Wear a red shiny fezz, each monkey does
If you mess with a monkey, they look sternly and say
“Monkey no like you, now you go away”
With fury and rage and anger misplaced
The monkeys dance ’round, then hop on your face
Then one monkey jumps up, his teeth give a shine
And he takes a big bite out of your spleen and your spine
Then they all hop aboard, they pound on their chests
Hammers they pull, from their red monkey vests
They rip the flesh from your bones with a murderous haste
Hammers pounding your body into thick muddy paste
Monkey looks down at you, and the monkey he say
“Fuck you, you giant prick!”
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September 20, 2003 @ 10:28 pm
AN ESSAY ON FOREIGN LANDS
by H.G. Peterson
H.G. Peterson is a leading expert on
International Maritime Law
and on Bridge Playing Tactics.
The ocean is water, the beach is of sand
I want to go to Panda Land
Pandas can see and Pandas can do
In Panda land you can find Panda poo
If Pandas were bishops, then they would wear mitres
If they were pilots then they’d fly stealth fighters
Pandas are black, and Pandas are white
But a shaved naked Panda’s a horrible sight
Pandas are dextrous and work their turn tables
But they can’t ride horses and thus have no stables
Pandas get colds and pandas get goitres
But their legs are to short to allow them to loiter
Pandas love fun and pandas love sport
And they pass down judgments in the Panda Land Court
Pandas look good in black and white photographs
But really fat pandas throw off seismographs
Pandas make waffles and bamboo fricassee
They gorge themselves stupid all night and day
An M-1 tank would crush Pandas to paste
So when one is coming they don helmets with haste
When Pandas are injured they go in for surgery
When they lie on the stand they are guilty of perjury
I met a Panda once, while visiting Toronto
He said he was James, but his friends called him Tonto
Pandas eat mussels, clams and kielbasa
And their cocaine binges leave a tabula rasa
Pandas in ones and Pandas in twos
Panda Land has problems with drinking and booze
Pandas and big boats and these boats have decks
Where upon Pandas have S& M sex
Pandas get drunk and then they smoke reefer
And they’re favourite actor is Sutherland, Kiefer
The panda house has a basement and attic
But their universe theories are still somewhat static
Pandas have rifles and Pandas have bombs
The Panda Land Army enjoys Proverbs and Psalms
Some Pandas are Christian Scientists and not Presbyterians
These Pandas forbid going to see veterinarians
Panda Land has buildings and even a quay
But few Panda males are openly gay
Panda Land has a language similar to Chinese
Pandas take to hang gliding with the greatest of ease
There are Pandas called Lisa and some who are Michaels
But the ones named Muldoony ride blue unicycles
Pandas are smart and Pandas are bright
But the fires of hatred burn into the night
Pandas like blue and Pandas like orange
But Pandas have not mastered the secret of door hinge
Pandas built statues of bamboo and bronze
They display them proudly in front, on their lawns
Panda land is round and surrounded by snakes
But inside its borders are myriad lakes
When Pandas are insulted, they’re quick to retort
Especially when insults occur near resorts
Panda land stores have quite a selection
Especially tools for skilled vivisection
You’ll never see a Panda on the flying trapeze
But there are lots of Panda Pirates sailing the seas
Pandas are hip to all that new jive
But Vir is their favourite on Babylon 5
Pandas have not yet discovered Quaoar
But Panda Land science has still gone quite far
Pandas have missiles, machetes and limes
But only because it is near the End Times
Pandas like cunnilingus and they like fellatio
Panda Land temples reflect the golden ratio
Pandas keep mice and worms in their homes
And each live in small little plastercast domes
Pandas study the work of Buckminster Fuller
Tug-o-war is won by the best Panda puller
Panda Land is rich with artwork and fountains
But none of their sages sit atop the tall mountains
Of all of the spices, Pandas most love their garlic
With their tongues and a Chevy they play a game they call “Car-lick”
Pandas like relaxation and do enjoy loafin’
And treating their headaches with fresh ibuprofen
Panda Land castles have grotesque gargoyles
And Panda Land lepers are covered in boils
Panda land robots are known to be shiny
The ones they call nanites are essentially tiny
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October 25, 2003 @ 12:24 am
H.G. Peterson Explores Everyone’s Favorite Taxonomic Kingdom.
H.G. Peterson is a renowned big-game hunter, explorer and arm-chair strategist. He is currently serving in the position of Arch-Bishop of Budapest.
“A Guide to Animals”
Animals are heterotrophic and composed of many cells
That are Eukaryotic with membranes and organelles
If you wish to describe animals, I offer one more suggestion
One must of course mention, they nourish by ingestion
Symmetry of body in all animals can be found
Bilateria has mirrored halves, while Radiata is just round
But Bilateral animals each have a head
A thing called cephalization, or so I have read
Phylum Cnideria, of which jelly fish form a part
Live much time as Medusas but are Polyps at the start
Phylum Ctenophora use cilia to move about
To gather up food on their sub-aquatic route
Phylum Platyhelminthes are worms which are flat
Like tapeworms that live in the gut of a rat
Phylum Rotifera provide many benefits
And reproduce by a thing called parthenogenesis
Phylum Nematoda are a rounded worm bunch
They’ll cause trichinosis and make you lose your lunch
Phylum Mollusca includes snails, oysters and squid
And other such things that a Kosher diet will forbid
Phylum Annelida are worms of the segmented type
And each of their segments resembles a stripe
Phylum Arthropoda’s a big group of armored things
Like lobsters, mites, ants and bees which have wings
Phylum Chordata’s animals all have a nerve cord
They are the most well known of all the animal hoard
Reptiles and Amphibians are two of this category
As are Mammals, Fish and Birds, and so ends our little story
If you need to know more, ask a scientist and he’ll mail ya’
Lots more information on Kingdom Animalia
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November 25, 2003 @ 9:57 pm
H.G. Peterson is a lovely person endowed with many talents, among them the ability to use three swords simultaneously whilst dueling with noted German princes.
Sometimes on streets the rain collects into dark patches of mud and corrosive filth fit only for the consumption of a few lesser-known spirochetes, all of whom are a bit low down on the pecking order, for spirochetes that is. Now, in these little splotches trod thousands of feet daily, and only about seventy or so of those are attached to brains that think at all about how the feet they are attached to disrupt the lives of spirochetes. Two of these feet belonged to Thalmudge.
As a small child he had thought often about the ants and microbes who feared his feet as the harbingers of destruction. These creatures lost everything to a foot or to a sneeze and had entire worlds devastated in the common game of kickball. Thalmudge never felt exactly sorry for the ants, he simply noticed their destruction. Sometimes a pile of dead ants slightly amused him. Throughout his childhood, and even into college, he had spent many a summer’s afternoon playing vengeful god to a pile of fire ants. When he was young he used water, sticks and shoes, and as he grew older he began using more advanced implements of destruction such as fireworks, shotguns and high powered rifles fired at close range. more »
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December 27, 2003 @ 1:57 pm
H.G. Peterson is the inventor of the dumbwaiter and an avid pugilist. Currently, he is a member of the Board of Directors of Daniel Bester, Inc.
Dancing on my bloody
stumps
Making squish, squish
squishy clumps
As puddles form upon the
hardwood floor
Happy as a dog in trash
As I hop and spin and
splash
Even though my bones are
kind of sore
Go ahead and do your thing
I’ll just jump around and
sing
As my calves are mushed to
bloody gore
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