Category Archives: Bloggers

Writing from our regular staff writers.

Classifieds: Fabuly 2007

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FOR SALE
Jungle sounds. I do excellent monkey noises and can gargle in a way that almost sounds like rain coming down through the canopies of foliage. Others sounds available on request,
send $100.00 for my full catalogue of noises.
Beulla, no. 1546.

FOR LEASE
Elector state of Palatine. Four hamlets, two major cities and full voting control so that you can influence who gets to be Holy Roman Emperor.
M. Hohenzollern, Hanover, Germany.

FOR SALE
Spoon. Made of low-grade alumnium. Lightly used and equipped with jury-rigged electrical tape handle. Good for soups or puddings.
L. Uppercat, Vendor, FL, Box 301.

WANTED
Conversion kit. Must be able to convert 120W AC to gold. Will pay you after I’ve made a bunch of gold.
Miriam Hatchet, Picker’s Flats, VA.

WANTED
Marlborough’s plan and full order of battle for the week prior to Blenheim. Also, a working time machine so I can go back to 1704 and give them to Tallard because I’d prefer it if Wittlesbach had been able to secure the Hapsburg throne.
Wilma Thrasher, Brighton Beach, NY or UK, either one. 113-1104-1214.

FOR RENT
Quality buttons. May not be attached to clothing.
Lou’s Buttons 231 38th St. New York, NY 10012

WANTED
Funding. At least fifty million needed for an experimental physics project where we use three brightly lit spinning poles to dematerialize dust and/or sand for some reason. The poles will spin really, really fast.
Contact the Queens Marshland Experimental Physics Laboratory, Queens, NY. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
New religion I made up where it turns out that we’re all just Pre-Ghosts® and will one day be ghosts and then die again and then we’re Double-Ghosts®. Neat, huh? $50.00. Includes nearly completed holy book manuscript.
Call Tobit at 931-416-4.

FOR RENT
My new algorithm for determining how many cows are present by counting legs. L/4 = C, where L is the number of legs and C is the number of cows. Works for dogs too! $.25 for each calculation. Ask about my handy quantum physics metaphors involving ice skating. Melinda Huggankiss. Fort Roxy, Maryland. Upstairs.

WANTED
New book of the Bible (New Testament) where the Apostle Peter wins a skateboard contest and saves the neighborhood skate park from the greedy developers. Will pay up to $53.00.
Contact Maury Sturgeon, 4, rue Cracy, Paris 70024, EU.

WANTED
Something like a can opener, but for bottles. Call Scroter Numbly at 212-888-2112

FOR SALE
My web site dedicated to everything that isn’t robots, sex, do-it-yourself, internet fads and copyright. Will sell for $33,000 or trade for a lifetime supply of black kernel popcorn.
Johnny Donothing 45 Alabaster Way Concrete, OT

WANTED
Two can beer cooler. Must have a picture of a toucan on it, be made of heavy-duty plastic with a brushed metal casing, have indentations on the top in which to place the cans of beer, and include an AM radio in the handle. Also, must have a handle. Will pay up to $77.
Email me at h.adams@nytimes.com

FOR SALE
Your choice of two of the following: 33 ounce cup from Save ‘n’ Such, China, melted pinking shears passed off as art, any two of the uninhabited Solomon Islands, the 1st edition of the International Telecommunications Manual, half a meerschaum ice cube tray, 31.5 playing cards, a packet of 20 Class B cigarettes, one unframed and unsigned photograph (matte not glossy) of Golda Meir, two desiccated sticky frog toys, Herb the auto mechanic, an entire tub of It’s Butter (light flavour), seventeen broken lathes, Ivan IV’s garbage receptacle, or your choice of hyperlink on bbc.co.uk. Free gallon of spider laxative included. Before June 27th, write to:
Tony Blair
10 Downing St.
London, SW1
United Kingdom

50 Things You Don’t Normally Find in the Supermarket

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1. The mummified remains of Allen Ginsburg in aisle 3.
2. Bread and/or pastry shaped like genitalia.
3. An assortment of Mexican cheeses with labels written in Ukrainian.
4. Pickled seal flippers.
5. Hearty Cream of Giant Clam Gazpcho
6. Cabbages engineered to display advertising for themselves.
7. Generic packaging created after 1976.
8. Unsalted saltines labelled simply as “crackers.”
9. A third option between baskets and carts.
10. People who understand how to use debit, credit, and subsidised food cards in the convenient machines located at the checkout counter.
11. Quality building materials at low, low prices.
12. A complete scientific lecture hall with audio-visual equipment.
13. Katie Stalin
14. Magazines such as National Geographic, Scientific American, or Discovery.
15. Self-checkout lines without someone to help you check out.
16. Burlap or linen as additional alternatives to paper and plastic.
17. Grapefruit with a tag explaining exactly why they’re called grapefruit.
18. Toothpicks made out of tropical wood.
19. Harvested-the-same-day snails.
20. Varmint frankfurters.
21. Heart-of-Palm flavoured grits.
22. Abundant transistors, capacitors, and other electronic parts.
23. Assorted spare buttons.
24. Live piglets for purchase and slaughter.
25. Proper end-cap merchandising.
26. Hormel sausage-flavoured toothpaste.
27. Parrot cutlets.
28. Shopping carts with tracks instead of wheels, for aisles with difficult terrain.
29. 14th Century siege weaponry.
30. Mars’s lesser-known cousin, the Uranus Bar.
31. Costumed characters licking the floors clean.
32. HO Scale model trains.
33. Longview, the Greenday tribute band.
34. Attractively displayed casts of the dead people from Pompeii.
35. Animatronics cartoon characters leading a poorly arranged sing-along.
36. A series of dioramas showing life in Albany, NY (c. 1948).
37. Prosciutto vending machines that will take crumpled dollar bills.
38. Shrimp-stuffed garden hoses.
39. Film critic Roger Ebert standing at the door, smiling warmly as he hands each customer a crisp, fresh radish.
40. Cream o’ Sorghum hot cereal.
41. An aisle where the skulls of all fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence are nicely displayed and clearly labelled.
42. An elephant steak slicer that customers can use for free.
43. The highly unpopular Flemish game hen.
44. Bags of Gummi Adlai Stevensons.
45. A monkey cage next to the lobster tank.
46. A properly functioning tilt-a-whirl.
47. Comfy grass instead of that damn linoleum.
48. Good quality, discount chum.
49. Canned fire.
50. Shopping carts that are big enough to comfortably seat a full sized adult.

Katie Stalin: Fabuly 2007

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stalin

I wanted to get to Sarasota after all that stupid Spring Break stuff and before the Summer tourist season, but I shouldn’t have worried. The only way going to Florida could be more boring than visiting Sarasota is if you spent your whole time sitting in a bush. Seriously, the place sucks, so of course there was no Spring Break action to begin with.

First, there’s the crappy architecture. I thought this whole architecture thing was retarded until I visited here. It’s so bad that I actually noticed. It’s a bunch of pink buildings that look like the inside of a cow’s stomach. Seriously, the place is like cow vomit. There are also a lot of dumb awnings everywhere, like people are going to move to place that’s sunny, and then avoid the sun. I tried to set fire to one of them, but stucco doesn’t burn so well. And of course I was forced to kick some old guy in the shins when he came over to yell at me.

That’s the other thing. Yeah, it’s a cliché and stuff, but Florida is full of old people. I mean, I saw one cute guy and he turned out to be 45 or something and wanted to take me back to his condominium. That’s so lame. Like, a well-off, youngish 45 year old can’t afford a swank hotel?

Anyway, I ditched him at the Cha Cha Coconuts bar and took a cab over to the Backroom Saloon. Jesus, even the gay bars suck in this town. Just a bunch of old cranky dudes with their “life partners” sitting around drinking bourbon. Seriously, when I go to a gay bar I want tight abs, lots of dancing, and “you go girl” enthusiasm. I don’t want cottage cheese thighs in tight shorts with gray pubes hanging out. Yuck.

Well, I’m in Florida, so I figured I should go check out the beaches. They would be nice if it weren’t for all the condominiums right next to them and all the old guys in banana slings walking around. Not to mention the spinsters attempting to wear bikinis. I mean, that gave me no chance, ’cause I’m a hot girl just laying out in a one-piece and all these fogeys kept trying to talk to me. One guy wouldn’t go away and I had to give him a wedgie with his speedo.

It was pretty surprising that the bright point of my visit was golfing. Really. I mean, it sucks that people take all this nice land and build a bunch of stupid golf courses on them, but I never realized golf was so fun. First of all, they give you a big blunt object and you get to hit this ball with it. Second, it’s pretty much okay if you hit other people with that ball as long as you call out “fore” before it hits them. At least it’s supposed to be. By the seventh hole, the course staff asked me to leave. I only hit 23 people and I called fore each time! That last caddy totally deserved to get knocked out, too, because he was helping his golfer cheat. And it’s not it’s that hard to get a golf cart out of a lake. Ever heard of a tow truck?

Last night I sat down with a bottle of Jack, some room-service nachos (pretty good!) and some cable and had myself some good quiet time. Of course I’m here today in the Bradenton Airport nursing a bad hangover, but it’s worth it as long as I get the hell out of here.

Ask Montezuma: Fabuly 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

montezuma

Montezuma is a village in Mercer County,
Ohio, United States. The population was
191 at the 2000 census.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m confused. My mother and I went out to the local bar to pick up some guys. She ordered a Cape Cod from the bar tender and got what looked like a vodka and cranberry juice. When I asked her what was in it, she said vodka and cranberry juice. Why call it a Cape Cod?
Tresa Green
Westbury, UK

TG, you certainly are confused. Young women are not supposed to go out with their mothers to pick up some guys. Humans are, for the most part, a monogamous species. You should each have been going out to pick up a guy.

Montezuma,
I am absolutely, personally rabid about the use of the words luck and miracle. While both are used idiomatically throughout the English language, I particularly despise the English language, preferring to converse in Esperanto. I’m trying to rid my vocabulary of the former, but since I am a skeptic of some note, I of course must use miracle quite often. Is there some way I could avoid this?
Phil Plait
Rhonert Park, CA

Oh dear Philly, I have also encountered this problem. I have used the word luck in print on no fewer than three occasions. What a travesty! A close friend, a neurosurgeon, suggested an experimental method by which the exact location of the word luck in the brain was located and destroyed, however many of the test subjects have subsequently been unable to recall the words for inconsequential, love, and have subsequently lost their sense of humor. Being a funny person myself, I certainly did not wish to subject myself to such a procedure. The easiest method I have discovered is to endeavor to speak less.

Dear Montezuma,
I have trouble remembering how to spell collannder. Can you help?
Maria Debarkes
New York, NY

c-a-u-l-i-f-l-o-w-e-r

Hiya Moctezuma,
(See, I used Moctezuma because I know my Azteca.) I have only three days to live. Should I count those days from sunrise to sunrise, or from civil twilight to civil twilight?
Kris Kristofferson.
Nashville, TN

It’s wonderful to receive celebrity requests for advice, Kris. I’d like to take this opportunity to agree with you in your activism against chaining pregnant women to heavy objects and throwing them in the water to drown, as depicted in your recent song “In The News.” It takes an incredibly brave man to stand up and speak out against the obvious evils in the world. Chains should never be wasted in such a fashion.

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been a platinum blonde for many years now, but I’m thinking of a change. Do you think red hair would look good on me? If so, would it enhance my journalism to have red hair and a lighter shade of lipstick?
Xeni Jardin
The Internet

Xeni, Xeni, Xeni, hair color has much more effect on climate change, so I would consider it from this perspective. You see, your current do is light, and hence more reflective across the electromagnetic spectrum, especially visible and infrared light. Darker hair will absorb more light, making sure that such energy stays within the ecosphere of the planet Earth. Scientists call the Pillatory-Refraction-Reflection Proportion, designated by the Hebrew letter Shin. For instance, average platinum blonde hair has a PRRP of Shin 2. Red hair, by contrast, has a PRRP of Shin 1.7. Please, help the planet and your fellows out by retaining the platinum blonde look.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m in sixth grade and in math class I always get the multiplicand mixed up with George Washington. Do you have a handy way for me to remember which is which?
Betty Bonaparte
Bellesville, LA

BB, I didn’t tell you this, but you can write on the palm of your hand that George Washington is not a multiplicand. When your teacher isn’t looking, take a quick peek at your hand to make sure you know what’s what. But, of course, if you get caught, I’ll deny everything when they try to give me detention.

Montezuma,
What kind of manifold would I need for a series 3 Leviathan mulch driver?
Calumny Percopints
Santa Rosa, CA

A tractor manifold would be best.

Monty,
Dude, I don’t get it. Why do they call it Miller Genuine Draft when it comes in a bottle? Isn’t draft beer supposed to come out of a spigot or something?
Rebecca Miller
New York, NY

Becky, there is so much pressure in each bottle of Miller Genuine Draft (over 800 psi), that when opening the bottle a noticeable draft can be detected. Never forget that often words can have several meanings.

Dear Montezuma,
When Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. references the Lima Turkey-Trot, what is he talking about?
Thomas Kuhn
Cambridge, MA

The Lima Turkey-Trot was a dance developed by H. Roman Lipinski in Cincinnati, OH. It built cumulatively on the Dragon Run, Pensacola Possum Pouch, Clamtastidance, and Chattanooga Whore Hustle. Some prominent features included an extended, arms akimbo twirling, a third degree semi-goose step, and a complicated buttocks bob-nasal flange maneuver. The Lima Turkey-Trot fell out of popularity around 1959, when it was replaced by the Goiter Throb and related dances.

Dear Montezuma,
I have two coins in my hand that add up to 11 cents. One is not a dime.
Vinnie Magic
Jorgensen, NJ

That’s nice, Vinnie.

montys hints

How to Make Your Own Stained Glass Decorations

Stained glass windows can be found in religious settings such as churches where the light of the sun illuminates figures and designs, bringing to life stories of a religious nature; such as the lives of the saints. St. Christopher is one saint and I recall, from my middle age, a fellow named Danbury who had a St. Christopher statue on the dashboard of his 1934 Desoto Airflow. The last Desoto came off the assembly line in 1961. Automobile assembly lines are often filthy with grease and other materials. Why not rub a quart of grease onto your windows thrice daily? Within a week they should be badly stained.