Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

The March of Progress: Gregor 2006

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Hectapus

Durham, N.C. – Utilizing what they referred to as “an insanely easy procedure” scientists at Duke University’s Department of Aquatic Medicine were able to transform two octopuses into one hectopus and one nonapus, with one semi-intelligent tentacle left over.
The operation, which took over twenty-eight minutes to complete, has completely revolutionized the scientific world’s view on cephalopod development.

“Before I thought cephalopods, y’know, could only have eight or ten tentacles. These dudes, though, they just proved that way wrong,” said UC Berkeley physics professor Joseph Orenstein.

It had been thought that octopuses developed eight tentacles due to evolution. Now it is known that intelligent design can create pusses with as many limbs as our whims desire. Huntington F. Willard, Duke University professor of biology, stated that work would now move forward on the triskadecopus because of the hect- and nonapus successes.

While the fate of the semi-intelligent tentacle is in doubt due to its inability to ingest nutrients, Hansel and Gretel, as the nonapus and hectopus are now known respectively, are adapting to their new tentacle arrangements well and are expected to release a statement as soon as cephalopods learn to speak, write and release statements to the press.

Lies My Father Told Me

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Dave Monkees
Dave Monkees is a famous student of critter-science and dendrochronology.

In one of his creations my father had an Indian character named Two Dogs. Under no circumstances would he ever tell me why the guy was named Two Dogs. When he told others it was always when I had left the room. Often he sent me out of the room on some random errand specifically so he could tell others why someone had the name Two Dogs. Several years later I found out on my own.

Yes, my father never told me that story, but that certainly didn’t prevent him from telling me other stories. Again, it was only later, on my own, that I ever found out that these stories were untrue. That’s right, they were lies my father told me, bold face, horrid lies.

One he told me was about this famous Indian chief who went out hunting early one morning but never came back. His squaw waited patiently for several days and when he didn’t return she set out into the woods to search for him. For weeks and weeks she searched but never found him. Finally she went to the Department of the Interior and begged them to help her. So, the Department of the Interior acquiesced and put up a number of signs across the country imploring motorists to “Watch for Falling Rocks.”

When I was but a youngster, just learning to dress myself, I often showed up at the breakfast table with my clothes inside-out or backwards. My dad was quick to offer a cautionary tale. He told me that once he knew a fellow who didn’t pay attention to his dressing, sometimes he wore things inside-out or more ominously, sometimes he wore them backwards.

One day this careless fellow gets in an automobile accident. It’s horrible; he’s thrown from the car and lands in a heap on the bloody pavement a few feet from the wreckage. The paramedics find him and discover, to their horror, that the force of the impact caused his head to turn all the way around backward. So, in order to save his life they turn his head back the right way. Only, his head wasn’t on backwards, his shirt was. Because his shirt was backwards he died horribly of shattered vertebrae. Thus, you should never wear your clothes backward…lest you die in agony. My father presented this as a true story, yes he did.

My dad spent many years in the military before his honorable discharge. Many stories he told were about his army days. Back in Korea, after patrolling the famous DMZ, my dad’s company returned to base after six weeks on field maneuvers. All the guys in the company were excited because they had been out in the forest for weeks without a change of underwear. Every man jack of them was excited about finally getting a change of underwear. Everyone loves a nice change of underwear, especially after weeks of the same dingy pair. They assemble in the PT area and the company commander comes out and tells them the good news “Soldiers of Alpha Company, I am happy to announce that you will all get a change of underwear.” A general cheer went up through the ranks before the C.O. continued “Okay…Johnson, you change with Adler. Adler, you change with Tompkins. Tompkins, you change with Lewis…”

These things never happened. They’re all lies. My father told me all sorts of stories that were just bold-faced falsities. He was a horrible liar. Once, he even told me I was talented and smart and had amazing potential. What a liar.

Letters: Gregor 2006

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Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

To the Editors of Axes & Alleys:

Answers.com says Edward Lawrence Doctorow is a 74 year old American novelist best known “for his skillful blending of fiction and fact into reconstructions of eras in American history.” His famous book Ragtime was once made into a Broadway play. His latest, Borden (Movable Type Press, Bestoria, 2005) was inspired by the editors of this magazine. Eddie the Geez to his friends, E.L. circles the Sun once every 365 days and loves marbles.

It’s true. I really love the pieces used to play marbles game! Right now I have a really neat collection of four marbles. It’s bigger than any other collection I’ve ever seen. To be honest, I’ve never seen another marbles collection.

This is because nearly every magazine out there devoted in some way to marbles is about marble’s game. House rules, different playing surfaces, how to make an opponent’s marbles split in half with simple telekinesis…there’s just nothing for me: the guy with a marbles collection!

The few magazines which do talk about marbles collecting and not marbles game are black and white on easily ripped and burned paper. I heard many of these publications lose a lot of copies because they often spontaneously catch fire on the way to their distribution points!

But still, not one of them is a glossy marbles collecting magazine featuring full-color photos of various marbles and scantily clad models with new kinds of marbles, marbles accessories or advertising marbling conventions, marbles cozies and marbles statuary.

I once did a very accurate survey of marbles collectors. I found out that most of them are male and in their late 40s or early 50s. They also live in the mid-West U.S. and the central
provinces of Canada. The Randalson Survey of 1997 also found out that most mid-West U.S. and Canadian males in their late 40s and early 50s prefer glossy, full-color magazines. The solution is pretty obvious, right?

The marbles collecting community should rise up and overthrow the federal republics of Canada and the United States. This is the only way in which our needs will ever be addressed. If that solution does not seem as obvious to you as it does to me, take some time to think. See! Beyond bloody revolution there aren’t any other ways to get a glossy marbles collecting magazine printed.

Only by girding ourselves with big weapons, storming Ottawa and Washington, putting blade to the throat of the miserable non-marblers and taking the reins of power ourselves can we produce and distribute a highly-targeted trade publication with moderate advertising rates, attractive content and great layout.

When I did my accurate survey of marbles collectors, I also did a survey of magazines. Not a single magazine has been produced without an orgiastic and violent revolt of the reading and collecting class. Time, Newsweek, Harper’s Bazaar, Go Icecream!, People, Astounding, Tashkent Week in Review, W, National Geographic, The People’s China Monthly, Cake or Death, Billboard, Philatelic Jargon, and Foreign Affairs: Nude Edition were all started as a direct result of revolt. It is blood, always blood that oils the machines of publication.

I’ve dared plenty of people who disagree with my conclusions to come up with a factually-based alternative. They can’t! You can see I’ve based my conclusion on facts and when that happens there’s no way to argue with it.

So, if you don’t believe there’s a need for a glossy marbles collecting magazine and a violent confrontation to get it, you better stay out of our way when it’s time. If you’re with us, you better get an accurate watch because when the revolution comes, you’ll be late and you’ll shot as a traitor.

I remain, as always, your humble servant,

E.L. Doctorow
Gambia

Ed. Note – Axes & Alleys was indeed founded after the Revolution of 1902.