Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

The Pet Spot with Mike Melrose

Posted on by
Reply

Australopithecines

A lot of people want a pet that is fun, cute and playful, but doesn’t come with a lot of hassle. If you’re looking for a pet like that you might consider the australopithecine, (Australopithecus afarensis) which is a four foot tall, upright walking, ape-style animal.

I have two Aussies at home: one’s a short-haired male named “Icecream,” and the other is a common brown-haired female named “Mittens.” Both are rambunctious and love to explore. With care, both have become important parts of my family and my menagerie.

Like cats, these Aussies tend to keep to themselves and are very low maintenance, but will show affection and sometimes play with your children. Instances of child consumption are rare, but make sure your children are supervised.

They do eat a lot, so keep plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables and grains available for them and be sure to supplement their diet with special Australopithepellets™, available at most pet shops. Aussies live about thirty years, so make sure they’re the right pet for you.

Below are some tips on keeping your Aussie healthy and happy:

1. Aussies like to wander around, so it’s best not to keep them locked up all day. You should take your Aussie for a walk at least once a day, but it’s okay to keep them in an enclosure during the night.

2. Televisions are a big no-no with Aussies. They usually react violently to the moving images and sounds, so it’s best to not own a television if you plan on owning an Aussie.

3. Being herbivorous animals, Aussies tend to produce voluminous amounts of excrement. You should designate an area in your home for them to defecate in. The bathroom is a poor location, however, because Aussies fear tile.

4. If you have children going through puberty or recently post-pubescent, it’s a good idea to keep them separate from your australopithecine. While the resultant offspring are very cute, they are probably not the grandchildren you imagined.

5. Aussies are both afraid of and attracted to tomatoes. A game they particularly enjoy is to hide the tomato. When they find them, pelt them with a second tomato and watch them scurry away screaming. They are screams of fun.

6. Aussie’s will happily eat human food, especially for some reason deviled ham. When training your Aussies you might used deviled ham, Vienna sausages, SPAM or eggplant as a treat. Aussies also enjoy deviled eggs, devil’s food cake and other foods named after the fallen angel Satan.

7. Aussies do enjoy being petted, especially, for some reason, in the pelvic area. Avoid petting your Aussie.

8. If you’re away most of the day, it might be good to leave some stones around to entertain your Aussies during the day. They’ll busy themselves flecking the stones into crude tools and will be happy and content while you’re not around.

9. Unlike dogs, Aussies are not big on chewing, so don’t bother offering them gum.

10. Most important of all, never look an Aussie in the eye.

Taking care of an Aussie is easy and fun for the whole family (except children). Follow these steps (and remember not to touch or show any affection) and your Aussie experience will be decades of fun and enjoyment for you and your family.

Gravedigger

Posted on by
1

Gravedigger

Jameson Piffle is a member of Local 106 of the National Union of Funerary Artists and Blacksmiths in LeBratt, Accadia. He has been a gravedigger for six months. Previously he served as steward’s mate on the Lake Pencil express ferry.

Some people like to say they’re pretty good at things. Well, I’m not. Pretty good basically says you’re almost good. I’m not almost good at grave digging. I am a good gravedigger. Yes, I am a really good grave digger.

One of the most important parts of digging a grave is to get the depth right. A lot of novice grave technicians are blinded by that old wive’s tale about the grave being six feet deep. A proper grave hole is six feet, five inches deep. Even experienced gravers get the depth wrong. But not me. Always six feet, five inches on the dot. I use a tape measure.

There are guys who skimp on the corners. You would think this wasn’t a big deal because the coffin’s going to go in and they’re going to fill in the dirt, so who cares about corners. You would be wrong in every way. A proper, cheerful-looking grave needs some sharp corners. That’s why I use a drafting T. It’s only a couple of extra minutes and the widows do so appreciate the effort.

Tarps are probably the most important maintenance precaution needed in the task of grave digging. Without a good tarp, all the work you put into good corners and just the right depth gets ruined by passing rain or even dew in the morning. Professionals prefer blue tarps, but some amateurs have been making advances in patterned tarps. I still prefer the blue, though. You can’t go wrong with a blue tarp. Make sure to weigh down the corners with some old bricks or chipped grave stones.

Now sometimes if you’re working a double shift, the Cemetery Captain might ask you to help fill in a hole here and there. Sometimes it’s busy, sometimes there’s just no one else around to help out. A lot of grave diggers turn up their noses at this kind of work because we’re grave diggers, not grave fillers. They’re a whole other union. But, I think you have to do what needs to get done, and if there’s filling needed and I’m around, I’ll be a grave filler for a couple of minutes.

Something special I like to do when no one is looking is spruce up the flowers on the graves. I don’t do this because I’m embarrassed, but because the Florists Local gets pretty darned upset if they catch you doing their job. I always think, though, that a nice cheerful grave needs some cheerful foliage, so I try to do my part.

And there you have it. I’ve met all three points for being a good grave digger, plus two points of things grave diggers don’t normally do.

I am a good grave digger.

While I Was Flying a Kite on the Beach

Posted on by
Reply

by H.G. Peterson
(for President Roosevelt)
H.G. Peterson

Across this Earth there are a great many cultures and nations
From the richest country to those with lowest station
There are colonies, territories and even satellite states
But they all have in common, this of all their traits;

From Russia to Bulgaria to the Mongolian lands
And down to Mississippi and the Hawaiian sands
All the different lands have one thing in common
They all have comely women, with curvy little bottoms
Continue reading →