by H.G. Peterson

Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
Part I
Part II

Opened in the Land Rush of 1889
Oklahoma is known as home of the “Yield” sign
Born of Clinton Riggs, in Tulsa it was tested
For making autos yield, it’s never been bested

Oregon, Oregon is rainy, cold and bleak
You tire of the pine trees in about a week
Honestly, it’s boring, nothing to do or see
Next year I’ll go to summer camp in Tennessee

Pennsylvania is the birthplace of our mighty nation
Many years ago, they signed the Declaration
Gettysburg, the turning point in the Civil War
And Yuengling gives us lager, black-and-tans and more

Platha, the Iron State, is chock full of mountains
The capital, Pylon’s, well known for its fountains
Run by godless commies, the state bird’s the vulture
It is the only state without agriculture

Ponderada’s cows are the finest to be had
Yet their local peaches are flavorless and bad
“Providence is Golden” is Ponderada’s song
And their Chikchaw Canyon is narrow and quite long

Lone and dusty are the endless Pueblon trails
For inspiration Gilford’s Crater never fails
The Stallions tend to rule the U.S. soccer fields
Miners’ Concourse has got the highest bauxite yields

Oh, Rhode Island and the Providence Plantations
It’s the smallest state of any in the nation
Although it’s really teeny, you should not be phased
For in this state my old friend Pat Walsh, he was raised

The port of Charleston bustles with ships and boats
In sweet Columbia the legislature votes
Wacky Wayne’s has fire works of all shapes and kinds
SRS is where plutonium gets refined

South Dakota’s home of the Mount Rushmore faces
Type of thing that’s not seen in too many places
Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln
Leave you awed and toward patriotic thoughts thinkin’

Home to Oak Ridge and Memphis and the music of Nashville
Tennessee has no Malaysians, import them they will
Known for its rivers, its mountains and ridges
Walking in its forests, you might pick up midges

Texas is bigger than Belgium or France
Its people wear only the best cowboy pants
Once a republic it was humbled with haste
In the Alamo Davy Crocket was made into paste

Home to some Mormons, the State of Utah
Each person there has a ma and a pa
Exporting fireflies is of utmost import
Appellate jurisdiction’s in the 10th District Court

Vermont’s like New Hampshire, except right side up
It’s main import is lasers and the occasional cup
Makers of syrup, they hire some dwarves
Along Lack Champlain there are numerous wharves

Home to ol’ T.J. and the tobacco what’s in ya’
Part of D.C. was made from Virginia
First of the colonies, it’s a large commonwealth
What it lacks in flamingoes it makes up for in stealth

Washington’s often confused with D.C.
The Columbia River flows straight to the sea
Once home to Boeing, makers of planes
Seattle’s the city where each day it rains

West Dakota is centered on the Paris of the Pines
Katharinetowne’s industry works overtime
Machinery of battle and the country’s best cloth
Made by decendants of one three-toed sloth

West Virginia was illegally created
By Abraham Lincoln whose blood-thirst wasn’t sated
That man hated freedom, and Lady Liberty
Suspender of habeas corpus, evil was he

I love Wisconsin and its fabled cheese
I can sleep with its women, they are loose and at ease
They’ll do you with gusto, they’ll do you with vim
They’ll never fail to let you put that penis right in

And last is Wyoming, as in all such things
It’s got several mines and produces much string
Wide and real empty, like the moons of Uranus
Its comedians are poor, but is squareness sustains us

We’ve counted the states from sixty to one
The Unites States’ are more grand than the Sun
You might burn up one of ‘em its citizens will fly
But the states of the Union are as stars in they sky

Award-winning author H.G. Peterson holds the world’s record for winning the Nobel Prize. He has won twice for Economics, four times for Literature, seventeen times for Chemistry, once for Physics, once for Medicine, eight times for Applied Radio-Zoology, once for Industry and thrice for Peace. With thirty-seven prizes under his belt he easily beats closest competitor, Tawny Kitaen, who only won twenty eight. H.G. Peterson also enjoys boating, novels and long walks on the beach. Currently, he resides in the Great State of New York (The Empire State) where he spends time with his children and his grandchildren and his illegitimate children. Currently,
he is considering a 2008 Presidential run.

by H.G. Peterson

Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
Part I

I often dream of my old Kentucky home
Where upon the blue grass I once was free to roam
Throw down some money on the favorite horse of yours
At that there Derby after you finish your chores

Louisiana, a state full of whores and drunks
New Orleans, the city, was waiting to be sunk
After that the jazz and the Mardi Gras can’t die
They’ll just move to Baton Rouge and hey, so will I

Maine was made famous by the author Steven King
He writes about horror, death and that sort of thing
Carrie she gets covered with the blood from a pig
But boy those Maine lobsters sure are tasty and big

Once a Catholic colony, Maryland is cool
Baltimore to Grace, if you hate it you’re a fool
Annapolis is where the sailors all learn how
To tell the difference between the stern and bow

Chances are that if you live in Massachusetts
You might not like the state’s nickname Taxachusetts
For president they had that good old JFK
No one from there can get elected today

Michigan, Michigan it’s a state shaped like a hand
Home to Eminem, Prince, and all those Motown bands
Detroit was once the place where they made a lot of cars
Now it’s just Rust Belt, but at least there’s no SARS

What can you say about the state Minnesota?
It’s citizens enjoy corn, ham, and orange soda
Unlike all those others, it’s the 12th biggest state
And about that there fact there can be no debate

Yes, good Old Ol’ Miss shares its name with the river
Gave us Elvis, who would swing his hips and dither
Of course it is most famous for its racist scene
They were rather late in ratifying Thirteen.

Oh Missouri, hell yes, it is the Show Me state
You can ship things to Missouri, first class or freight
In Saint Louis there’s a great shining upturned “U”
And Truman, their boy, he was in the Klan (Klux Ku).

Yellowstone Park is the best thing in Montana
I wish I could go there with rocker Santana
Just south of Billings was the last stand of Custer
The bitterroot, yes, is the state flower, buster

In Montsylvania you’ll find shining Bestoria
Beacon of capitalism, the merchants will whore ya
Borden once came here, he hated it so
So after a Friday he said “Let’s just go.”

Panhandle and curve Nebraska sits in the plains
Home to Kool-Aid that old cause of tooth pains
The name mean’s flat water, which might sound quite strange
In Hastings and Columbus they sing “Home on the Range”

Nevada has little to offer the traveling man
It’s full of rocks and canyons, and heating hardpan
You won’t find entertaining or really much ado
All you get for visiting is a hole in your shoe

New Hampshire’s in the northeast and its people do frown
It looks like Vermont, but turned upside down
The first of the primaries is held here quadrennially
Few Shi’ites live here because they do follow Ali

Resting place of Buddah, New Highland’s serene
The men are the hardiest, the women are keen
Known for Chinese food and landlocked shipwrecks
New Highland’s the American capital of sex

Clean and inviting, New Jersey loves all
From filthy panhandler to gangster gun moll
The flowers are pretty, the smells are the best
Only in Jersey will your spirit find rest

I hate New Mexico, it was stolen from Mexico
Thanks James K. Polk, you filthy, fat gringo
Not neat like Arizona, full of sand like Yemen
Just one quick peek sparks delirium tremens

New York has a city, the hallowed Albany
Whose residents hoist bunting and sing so merrily
Some people think the capital is storied Buffalo
Excelsior gets the people riled, the official state motto

The state of North Carolina takes a long time to drive
You’ll pass Pilot Mountain, at Cape Fear you’ll dive
Party in Charlotte, get educated in Raleigh
Of the sixty states, this one’s most jolly

A North Dakotan insulted my mother, one winter day
I pushed him and shoved him and rolled him in hay
Tom Daschle is from here, I feel sorry for him
He’s looking quite haggard, in need of a trim

The Cuyahoga’s known to burn on through the night
But we’re not here to cast Ohio in bad light
From Columbus, to Cleveland, and through Dayton too
The Buckeye State is perfect for me and you

Part III

by H.G. Peterson

Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.

The United States goes from sea to shining sea
It is stuffed full of bald eagles, flags and the free
Those sixty states are filled with wonder and glory
So now here in verse you shall hear all their stories

Accadia of the states; comes first alphabetically
It also comes first if you list them aesthetically
Its gulf coast is such a beauty for one to behold
And its Indian Mounds are so numerous and old

Of all the sixty states, I like Alabama best
Because it’s so much cooler than any of the rest
I so love its cities from Tuscaloosa to Mobile
In that town Huntsville you can see rocket ships for real

Oh, Alaska, much like space, is the final frontier
It’s got glaciers, forest and so many elk and deer
If Alaska doesn’t wow you, you’re rather callous
C’mon, my friend it’s got the Aura Borealis

Though it borders Canada, Algonqua is quite neat
At Fort Jones the Green Berets train to be elite
It’s borax mines are deep and its waterfalls are high
And it’s where they invented that treat beaver pie

Arizona is best known as the home of canyon grand
Though there are many other neat things across this land
Like those there Phoenix Suns who play basketball with skill
Or Johnny McCain who’s in the Senate passing bills

President Bill Clinton hung his hat in Arkansas
Little Rock is the capital, there they make the laws
They’ve got cardboard boat races and watermelon fest
And in college sports the Razor Backs are nearly the best

Yes, California to earthquakes is often linked
Once the Bear Flag Republic, now those bears are extinct
It’s got that gay San Francisco and smog-filled L.A.
And that Golden Gate Bridge stretching way across the bay

Colorado, the Columbine State, is the place to be
If it is the Rocky Mountains that you wish to see
Southpark and Mork and Mindy took place in this State
Stadium’s mile high, no need to exaggerate

The Constitution State of Connecticut is small
In just half an hour you could walk across it all
Really rich New Yorkers call Connecticut their place
That’s its only real reason for being, in this case

Yes, Delaware is owned by the DuPont company
Its only other purpose is credit cards you see
Incorporating there is an option you can take
If you want to avoid tax laws for your business’ sake

Elizabethia is quaint and full of wolverines
The Shadow State is known for its wide soup terrines
Seventeen duchies work together for gain
Where the Eastern Seaboard was settled by Spain

Home to those gators, Florida is low
With swamps and swimmers and grasses to mow
The state stretches north far as the eye can see
From round Lake Oscala to grand Tallahassee

Georgia’s state bird is the annoying brown thrasher
It’s only state utensil is the lowly potato masher
It’s had three capitals and Sherman’s great march
Its businessmen’s collars are stiffened with starch

The State of Hawaii was settled by Polynesians
It’s lacking in fir trees and Polish Silesians
Volcanic islands are the base of the land
Its beaches composed of volcanic black sand

The famed Patty Duke is a known Idahoan
Idaho’s brown potatoes keep growin’ and growin’
the cities of Moscow, Chubbuck and Coeur d’ Alene
Were settled by settlers with the harshest of pain

Illinois was created in the image of God
Founded by the ancients from a black metal rod
The mystical energies used by those in the know
Send pixies and ogres around to and fro

Among the greatest wastings of space
Indiana lacks mountains, but has that damn race
The greatest export it has is the soybean
Its residents, Hoosiers, are well-known to be mean

Iowa is made of interstate highways
Americans can see it from coast-to-coast flyways
A lot of Iowans are of the Catholic faith
So euthanasia is outlawed, abortionists aren’t safe

A monument to progress, Kalisotta’s become
With outhouses for all, and electricity for some
The huge Kalisotta River churns with much power
While the state’s purple lemons are the most sour

Can’t say much about Kansas as I’ve not been there
I bet some of them are covered in hair
It might have two senators, it might have a route
The fat people there could be a bit stout

Part II Part III