Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen

50 Ideas for Making Insects Better

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1. Tiny hats.
2. Instead of yellow and black on bees, why not stylish mocha and taupe?
3. Ants get the ability to read Sanskrit.
4. Goliath beetles are replaced by new nine-inch Super Goliath Beetles.
5. Install an on/off switch for katydids.
6. Constant molting now mandatory.
7. Instead of pain, bee stings bring on hallucinations of drinking grape soda.
8. Walking sticks are allowed to stroll on Tuesdays.
9. Advertising space is sold on the wings of butterflies.
10. Dragonflies really breathe fire.
11. Lightning bugs glow in different colors for Christmas.
12. Dung beetles are made tastier.
13. Mosquitoes are required to ask permission before sucking your blood.
14. Allow ticks and daddies-long-leg into Class Insecta.
15. Praying mantises may actually petition God to cure the sick.
16. Instead of plain, old mounds, fire ants must make nests that meet the high aesthetic standards of Frank Ghery or I.M. Pei.
17. An expansion of the termite diet to include plastic, newspaper and other litter, thus cleaning up the streets of our fair city.
18. Let ‘em all breathe out of their noses like normal people.
19. Locusts can only destroy bad tasting crops like squash or Brussels sprouts.
20. Crickets must know how to play more than one tune on their legs.
21. Given piezoelectric properties for use in computers.
22. Peppered moths get royalties every time their pictures are used in the evolution chapter of biology text books.
23. Butterflies are allowed to stick just a few entomologists on spikes.
24. Chitin exoskeletons replaced with candy coating.
25. Just normal fruit flies from now on. No more mutants.
26. Issue a court order demanding the closing of all circulatory systems.
27. The ability to link up and run on model railroad tracks.
28. Cicada killers are only cicada rougher-uppers.
29. Imperviousness to hard vacuum and radiation.
30. House flies fly in designated patterns.
31. Earwigs make themselves useful by becoming clothing fasteners.
32. Silverfish only dine on outgrown or no-longer-needed clothing and must always finish their meals.
33. Cockroaches stop being lazy and help pick up around the house.
34. Army ants will form a well-regulated militia.
35. A single carpenter ant will be crucified to redeem all of insect kind.
36. Cicadas exit the ground in an orderly fashion and follow the designated swarming routes.
37. Lady bugs grant reasonable requests for realistic things, like chocolate.
38. Damsel flies continuously enact chivalrous stories with the help of new hero bugs for small children and the elderly.
39. Uncatchable, catnip flavored cockroaches are standard.
40. Fleas able to actually jump to the top of the Empire State Building from the ground.
41. Water bugs bring life-saving moisture to drought-ravaged African nations.
42. Caterpillars have to figure out something interesting to do other than pupate.
43 Less mindless moving.
44. Nearby insects form up on any chess board to act as playing pieces and respond to verbal commands.
45. A benevolent insectoid hive mind tasked to look after and protect humanity from danger.
46. Jet engines.
47. Their own island.
48. Defecate gold.
49. Less creepy, more huggable.
50. A return to the monstrous size of yesteryear.

Ask Montezuma

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Answers From the Great Beyond!!!

Montezuma II

Montezuma II recently wed pop singer Anne Riboflavin. Their first child, Autumn, is scheduled to be born this summer. He enjoys bridge, checkers, fasting and colouring books.

Dear Montezuma,

First of all, I am a normal fellow who has had many healthy long-term relationships. But for some reason every woman I’ve ever dated, hooked up with or even made out with at a party has been named Michelle Thompson. What is up with this strange thing?

Michael Thompson
Thompson, GA

Mike, have you considered your local Council Law 36257 which states “All female children born within the city limits shall be lastly named in accordance with the name of this fair city (Thompson) and shall be firstly named with an Anglicized version of the greatest of Archangels, Michael?” Well, you would be good not to consider it as this law was repealed in 1935. However, the tradition still remains rampant amongst the populace and you are more likely to engage in physical activity with a woman within the confines of Thompson who is named Michelle Thompson than anywhere else on the planet earth other than Angkor Wat.

Dear Montezuma,

How do trees work?

Fiona “Gator” Stevens
Hambone Council, FL

Trees have a very poor work ethic. Continue reading →

The Pet Spot with Mike Melrose

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Australopithecines

A lot of people want a pet that is fun, cute and playful, but doesn’t come with a lot of hassle. If you’re looking for a pet like that you might consider the australopithecine, (Australopithecus afarensis) which is a four foot tall, upright walking, ape-style animal.

I have two Aussies at home: one’s a short-haired male named “Icecream,” and the other is a common brown-haired female named “Mittens.” Both are rambunctious and love to explore. With care, both have become important parts of my family and my menagerie.

Like cats, these Aussies tend to keep to themselves and are very low maintenance, but will show affection and sometimes play with your children. Instances of child consumption are rare, but make sure your children are supervised.

They do eat a lot, so keep plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables and grains available for them and be sure to supplement their diet with special Australopithepellets™, available at most pet shops. Aussies live about thirty years, so make sure they’re the right pet for you.

Below are some tips on keeping your Aussie healthy and happy:

1. Aussies like to wander around, so it’s best not to keep them locked up all day. You should take your Aussie for a walk at least once a day, but it’s okay to keep them in an enclosure during the night.

2. Televisions are a big no-no with Aussies. They usually react violently to the moving images and sounds, so it’s best to not own a television if you plan on owning an Aussie.

3. Being herbivorous animals, Aussies tend to produce voluminous amounts of excrement. You should designate an area in your home for them to defecate in. The bathroom is a poor location, however, because Aussies fear tile.

4. If you have children going through puberty or recently post-pubescent, it’s a good idea to keep them separate from your australopithecine. While the resultant offspring are very cute, they are probably not the grandchildren you imagined.

5. Aussies are both afraid of and attracted to tomatoes. A game they particularly enjoy is to hide the tomato. When they find them, pelt them with a second tomato and watch them scurry away screaming. They are screams of fun.

6. Aussie’s will happily eat human food, especially for some reason deviled ham. When training your Aussies you might used deviled ham, Vienna sausages, SPAM or eggplant as a treat. Aussies also enjoy deviled eggs, devil’s food cake and other foods named after the fallen angel Satan.

7. Aussies do enjoy being petted, especially, for some reason, in the pelvic area. Avoid petting your Aussie.

8. If you’re away most of the day, it might be good to leave some stones around to entertain your Aussies during the day. They’ll busy themselves flecking the stones into crude tools and will be happy and content while you’re not around.

9. Unlike dogs, Aussies are not big on chewing, so don’t bother offering them gum.

10. Most important of all, never look an Aussie in the eye.

Taking care of an Aussie is easy and fun for the whole family (except children). Follow these steps (and remember not to touch or show any affection) and your Aussie experience will be decades of fun and enjoyment for you and your family.