Author Archives: Delores Grunion

Letters: June 2004

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Sirs,
I would like to write a letter to express my gratitude to you for possessing the boldness necessary to publish last month’s superb article “Picturesque Waynesboro, Georgia.” Why, I was so impressed with your article that I decided to take my vacation there this year. My lesbian-life-partner Trudy and I had a wonderful time enjoying all the exciting things that Waynesboro had to offer. We especially enjoyed The Wet Spot and Rock the Box, two of the city’s many lovely lesbian bars. The highlight of our trip was when we got to see Elvis Bussard, one of our favorite drag kings, perform the Andy Williams’ song “Moon River.” What a treat! Thanks a bunch for your article, I look forward to more fun from your magazine in the future.
Love in Christ,

Angela C. MacArthur

To Whom This Might be of Concern:
It has occurred to me that July 1st of this year will be the nine hundred and seventh anniversary of the Battle of Dorylaeum (Eskisehir), fought between the Turkish forces of Kilij Arslan, Seljuk Sultan of Rum and the Crusaders under Bohemond of Taranto. Truly the Novcentetseptennial of this important battle demands serious recognition within the pages of your publication. Why, if the Crusaders had not won this battle, how could they have subsequently captured the city of Antioch? Where then would our modern world be? On our block we will be having a barbeque and cake walk to commemorate this event, because we must always remember the sacrifices of those who fought to conquer foreign lands and suppress unfamiliar religions. We must never forget that these noble Christian invaders defeated the Saljuks, directly leading to the collapse of the Ottoman empire a mere eight centuries later.
Thank you.
Warmest Regards,

Maximilian “Mac Attack” Smythe-Horowitz

Dear Publishers of Axes and Alleys,
Recently I have discovered a device which can imbue kangaroos with telekinetic powers. I call in the Pneunguin, because I already registered that name back when I was trying to come up with a pneumatic penguin. Unfortunately I happened to invent the kangaroo thing first, so that’s that I guess.
Love,

Arthur Gordon (Mrs.)

Dear People,
I would like to point out that across this land, criminals who violate laws, have no respect for the social contract. Convicted convicts and felons who commit crimes should be held accountable for their criminal actions in courts and court-like institutions.
As a legally abiding law abider, I think that these criminals should take crime more seriously. Not only does crime violate the law, but it is an infraction against the penal code. Judges and juries should take more time out of their busy schedules to try these convicts and convict them.
Crime would not be such a terrible thing in our society if we had fewer criminals, felons, convicts, lawbreakers, and offenders. Perhaps we should remember that the next time we go to the polls to vote in an election. Otherwise, criminals will be free to violate the legal laws without repercussions.

Delores Pogrot-Grunion-Habberdan

Editorials

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From the Desk of Publisher Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge
Utterances of an Opinionated Nature from the Publisher of Axes & Alleys


Sir Lionell Buxton Humbridge


Dave Nancyboie
Republicrat Party Candidate


Hector McGinty
Blue Party Candidate

McGinty Poor Choice for West Dakotans


Today this pre-processed external memory module must protest the vile candidacy of one Hector McGinty. Mr. McGinty, if he can be named as such, is running for the West Dakota Congressional District 589 seat in Congress. We find his platform of honesty, integrity and gravy to be reprehensible. Specifically, the gravy portions of his campaign.

That gravy could be cheaply and speedily distributed to peoples of all classes in a timely fashion at minimal cost is absurd and insulting. Does Mr. McGinty, a filthy semblance of a man of Ecuadorean descent, truly believe that such class-baiting vitriol on the subject of gravy is truly a cohesive campaign platform which will bring his constituents together? We think not.

Mr. McGinty’s gravy policies will only hurt West Dakota, the Nation and greater portions of Outer Mongolia. This publication says “no” to Hector McGinty*. We must instead officially back Republicrat Candidate Dave Nansyboie, a great West Dakotan who believes in everything for which this publication stands.

*This publication will, however, take Mr. McGinty’s money in exchange for ad placement.


Mr. Conan Doyle
Shamelessly and openly named Arthur.

Children Named Arthur a Nuisance


While we agree that most children are nuisances, we at Axes & Alleys have come to the conclusion, through logic and careful use of intellect, that children named Arthur are a supreme nuisance in society today. Forthwith, we call for the extermination of all current entities under the age of 15 who have been de-ennobled by their parents with the horrible moniker of Arthur.

Furthermore, we implore the State House Grepublindecrat leadership to pass S.H.B. 1327, banning the affixation of the name Arthur to all birth certificates, driver’s licenses, credit cards, social security identifications, student visas, passports and other official or official looking certificates.

Failure to follow through with our plan will quite likely result in the death of society as a whole and the diminution of our great State. Soon we may be only a society of Arthurs, blandly tossed about by a cold wind of indifference.

Never!

An Expedition to the Moon!

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Part I: A Gentleman’s Wager

A Scientifically Fictional Narrative for Learned Gentlemen

It was a good evening for a late supper and hence the well-endowed fellows had gathered at the Royal Society for a light supper of roasted hollandaise pheasant with mustard toasted Ceylon rice and tomatoes with a sort of dry bread crumb topping. Alongside was a brisk salad of cucumber and radish, fresh and succulent, wet with the dew of the north country.

Afterward were served a savory toast of melba with brie and other soft Continental cheeses arranged on a silver platter for convenience. Ethiopian coffee was brought out in perfect porcelain cups and matching saucers which bore the symbol of the Chinese dynasty of Ming. Raspberry almond tortes complemented the festivities. The tortes were of course prepared by the Royal Society’s expert pastry chef Pierre DuMonde, a Parisian whose saucy attitudes were equaled only by the sauciness of his casseroles. He had served under the rotund and mustachioed Belico Concito, a Spaniard master chef whose Liberian delicacies were well sought after by discerning gentlemen of the more fashionable palates and of the more fashionable of London’s districts.

On the evening in question, the grouping of gentlemen, purveyors of the insatiably trophened consumables of the Royal Society, moved their persons into the anteroom. There, the servants placed in each manicured hand a decanter of Cognac, a birch-barrel aged beverage from the distillers of the ruddy Chateau de Bivouac deep within the rolling hills and rustled fronds of the Cognac region of the French Republic.

As the bells of the Church of St. Francis the Aggressor (a gift to the town from the Ladies’ Association of Gardeners of Lower Buxley) began to chime out nine of the clock, Sir Rutherford Limney- Smythe Humbridge, Earl of Cuxwold, stood up his imposing twelve stone figure upon his ivory crutches, his cleft chin and low cut jaw the mark of the Humbridge family since the days of Edward IV. His freshly-starched shirt and cuffs were from Lloyd’s and Halbart’s of Dorset Street and were a finely hewn cream colour, a dainty mixture of Welsh linen and Egyptian cotton. The coat and vest, festooned with tails, were a woven ermine hair with sable trim, cut about the shoulders in such a way as to accentuate the glimmering epaulettes. The doublebreasted suit was fastened by gold buttons, each a full three-quarters of an Imperial inch across, with silver inlay detailing an engraved emblem of the seal of the Earl of Cuxwold. The Earl’s pantaloons and breach hampers were matched in the Cumberland style of trouser. His shoes were double-clasped Irish leather of the antiquated sort, a cunning colliery on the whole of the ensemble.

As the bell tower terminated its pronouncements, he spoke with the cuckholded voice of a half-enraged, half-timid bullfinch. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I propose a wager.”

Be ready for next month’s exciting installment:

“Part II: A Most Interesting Piece of Furniture”