St. Louis, MO– It’s the gateway to the once untamed and wild West. Sitting, as it often does, on the banks of the majestic Mississippi, St. Louis is famous for its big upside down “U” thing that sits there glittering, gleaming, beckoning and other adjectives as well.

My first day there I took a little ride all the way to the top. Yeah, the view was intense; the whole of America seemed to spread out before me. Up there, I met a nice Polish tourist named Jano who told me that “Big arch…good.” That sums it up all right. For some reason, he kept referring to me as a “nice piece,” but he wouldn’t tell me what that meant.

Luckily, Jano had brought a case of Borschtweiser, the most popular of all the Polish lagers. We hung out at the top of the arch and tried to hit boats with our empty cans. On my third try, I totally hit a barge right near the bow. Nice!

It turns out you’re not allowed to throw empty beer cans off the St. Louis Arch. In fact, you’re not even supposed to bring beer up there. They kicked us out. Jano’s response was to point out that the security guards were “No good” and I agree.

The arch was totally lame. Really it’s just a bent piece of metal. Luckily there was a snack bar near by and yep, they had nachos! Maybe next time I’ll try Route 66 and see where the open road takes me.

Mammal World, FL – I’ve been told that Mammal World was an amazing place, but I truly had no idea. It has its own ZIP code, police station, theme restaurants and an independent sewage system. It’s even got its own mayor: Edward the Elk. Well, he’s more of an honorary mayor. Didn’t see him sign a single bill or make any speeches. This might be due to Mammal World’s lack of any legislative body, but I’m not entirely sure Edward knows he’s the mayor.

The bone display was closed, so I ended up in the smoke-filled Zebra Bar & Grill. It’s supposed to be one of the theme restaurants, but the Grill portion of the name isn’t quite right. There’s no menu and they only have salted apricots with creamed rhubarb and celery salsa at the bar. A surprising number of Mammal World’s animals take their lunch hour here. Ronny, Mammal World’s lone Besson’s Unhorned Rhinoceros, was taking up a corner all by himself and going through several bottles of Bushmill’s.

The animal uniforms are lovely. Each beastly specimen wears a bright green bellhop’s hat, a green waistcoat with a golden watch and green leather shoes with white spats. Some wear pants as appropriate and all of the large cats have curved Arabian shoes with bells on the toes so they can’t sneak up and claw anyone. There was also an alligator on the premises, but no one wanted to talk about it. I got the feeling it was an embarrassment for Mammal World.

I met a nice guy at the water buffalo racing pavilion and we’re heading off to the Mammal World Airport Motel in a bit. More tomorrow!