Author Archives: Delores Grunion

Halloween Costume Ideas for the Ladies

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Everyone loves a good excuse to dress up all slutty. Halloween’s as good an excuse as any, I guess. Of course, there are many problems with the usual sexy costumes.

Halloween Costume Ideas

Take for instance the sexy bee costume in the above picture. The reproductive life of the common European honeybee Apis mellifera is such that only a small portion of a hive population is involved in the mating act. The vast majority of bees are non-reproducing workers. Why would a worker need to look sexy? It can’t mate and hence does not need to display its sexual characteristics. Most awful is the fact that the sexy bee costume seems designed to accent the woman’s breasts. This is utterly silly; bees do not have mammary glands. So few people put thought into their costumes.

Sexy pirates, cops, firemen, gun molls, witches, vampires, and nurses are clichéd and hackneyed at best. This Halloween, as you celebrate the convergence of the netherworld with our plane of existence, why not try one of these sexy costumes:

  • Architect
  • Chairperson
  • Records Clerk
  • Human Resources Director
  • Lab Technician
  • City Planner
  • Prospector
  • Zoning Comission Member
  • Event Coordinator
  • Senator from Kansas
  • Merchandising Associate
  • MRI Technician
  • Copy Machine Repairperson
  • Congressional Aide
  • Press Spokesperson
  • Graphic Artist
  • News Anchor
  • Chartered Accountant
  • Assistant Archivist
  • Talent Manager
  • Driving Instructor
  • Gardener
  • Valve Inspector

And don’t forget that everyone loves a sexy Regional Development Coordinator or a slutty Information Technology Specialist.

Note: Watch out for razor blades in your trick-or-treat candy, and have a safe, fun Halloween.

Classifieds: Caliguly 2006

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FOR SALE
Home-made robot costume. Made of 1 in. thick iron plates. Weight: 1.2 metric tonnes. Difficult to move in. Really difficult. £300 or best offer.

FOR SALE
Recording of “Das Rheingold” performed with banjo-and-kazoo-only orchestra. Comes in special fifty-four CD box set. Yours for only one nickel. The Kalamazoo Kazoo Cotillion, 011.318. 618.281.2711.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Kay Hanley impersonator to perform at retirement village. Old people really like Kay Hanley but the real Kay Hanley hates the elderly.
Happy Acres Rest Home, Birmingham, AL.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Minions needed to help me in my quest for world domination. If you fail me, I will kill the guy next to you. Dental plan included. Aristotle Scorpio, Seoul, Korea, Room 3.

FOR RENT
Coupon for fifty cents off dish detergent. $4.00 per day, plus mileage. Contact Lionel, 77.333.8381.

WANTED
Cigarette lighter cleverly disguised as M-1 Abrams tank. Full size only. Will pay up to y5,000 or trade for Apache helicopter style can-opener. Yasper Keating, Box 553.

FOR SALE
Paraglider Pig. World-famous county fair performer and popular philosopher. Must have state-certified slop trough and installed, functional mud puddle, and 40 foot tall launching pylon to purchase.Only $3000. Not for use as bacon. Call Dan at 445-6822

WANTED
Space to hold cannibal flesh roast for visiting team of imitation Mexican wrestlers. One female with excellent secondary sexual characteristics.
Cantankerous, Ltd.
Box 66232

FOR RENT
Package of one dozen cigarette lighters. Please do not open package of one dozen cigarette lighters.
Fred McMurray
Los Angeles, CA

NOT WANTED
My left hand. I don’t think I really need it. Free. Bring own tools.
Michael Freesly
Lemon, NV

WANTED
Model of the rocky mountains. Any scale. Must be fully-functional.
W. Price, 35 Prescott Ln. West Ontario, OT

FOR RENT
Succubus. We’ve been together for 4 decades, but much of the glamor is gone. As is. Lascivious thoughts included.
Damon Worthington
Box 7438

FOR SALE
Bottom 1/3 of Pacific Ocean. Call for details: 272.181.18111, ext. 2. Ask for Jacum.

FOR SALE
Municipal water tower full of tiny, evil-looking snow men dolls. Some animated by dead spirits. $7100 or best offer. Pyle Heights, PD. 72721.

WANTED
One box full of atomic element #405. Four hundred protons? That sure is heavy. I’ll take a box worth. Ruth W. 77.333.8382.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Fry cook needed to head up marketing department. We happen to like the smell of burning oil and fry cooks just wreak of it.Please ring DeLancy Pharmaceuticals.
Katharinetowne, WD.

FOR SALE
Dead cat. Really cheap. The pet cemetery wants y100 to bury it. You can have it for anything less than that. Sean O’Malley, Ulster.

FOR SALE
One hundred, twenty two thousand, four hundred and eight Indira Ghandi bobble-head dolls. Free eggplant included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

FOR SALE
Bicycle with triangular wheels. No, it doesn’t work. Ask for Father Rio Ban 77.333.8384.