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Author Archives: Delores Grunion
Classifieds: Springtober 2006
WANTED
Real people named Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard to appear in our live reenactment of the game Monopoly. We sure like Monopoly, but often get it confused with other board games. Milwaukee Scrabbleship Club.
414-287-4100
FOR LEASE
Plot of land, 1 sq. mm. 99 year lease, only ½ penny. Exact change only. Tracy Form, Chapping Realty. Blamer’s Crossing, EL.
POSITION AVAILABLE
Archivist to file and track of Icelandic singer Bjork’s dental records. She’s compulsive and has to go to the dentist twice a day or more. Good pay, plus car and dental benefits. Sal Gudmunsdottir, Gudmunsdottir Ltd.
FOR LEASE
Two bedroom apartment with bath in the heart of blue whale. Whale no longer living but still spacious. Yap R. Freep. 77.333.8383
FOR SALE
Pancake. Slightly flatter than usual. $.02 or five for a nickel. Tom, Box 6.
FOR RENT
Soundproof, unlighted room. Contains two girls kissing. $53 per time unit.
Melby Katamaran
779-3458
FOR SALE
100 puppies!
elmer@100puppies.com
FOR SALE
Statue of the Paesistratids. Found in attic. Both figures missing genitals, but otherwise intact.
$3000 or best offer.
Jerry Muldauer
Dry Michigan
FOR SALE
Beer coolzy! I’ve recently patented the beer coolzy and I want to sell it to you. Gimme a shout at 995-382-4825.
FOR RENT
Three mouse fur coats, perfectly sized for mice. Free gelatin lathe included.
Tony Blair
10 Downing Street
London SW1 UK
WANTED
Organism. My supply just ran out and I can’t find anymore. Willing to offer increasingly higher amounts of money if you refuse previous offers. Will also cry on occasion.
Mary Bagel 823-2617
FREE
Belt loop! You can string a belt through it. You can string two thin belts through it. You can use it to hitch a watch or wallet. It’s belt loop. And it’s absolutely free!
Michael Carmino
45 Arterial Street
San Francisco, CA
FOR SALE
Candle once used by Albert Einstien during a power outage in 1937. Original wax, but wick has been restored. Call Bobbles at 888.888.801
FOR SALE
Nothing. Stop calling.
WANTED
Better reputation. Some of those ignorant people gave me a bad name.
Look for niggardly in the dictionary.
FOR SALE
80 lb. iron toilet seat. Structurally-sound toilet recommended before purchase. $2.35 or best offer.
Caleb Carr
P.O. Box 44 Monrovia, WV
WANTED
500 sheets of green-lined, loose leaf paper. Please find the carrier pigeon on the corner of Lefgot and Main Street. Attach message indicating you have the paper. Then release. Will send payment by Sandy’s Burro Express. If any questions about payment, send message by smoke signals from Saturnine Hill.
FOR EVER
Love, devotion, wild, wild after-dinner poetry parties. Come by Jameson’s Pub on Thursdays for yours.
FOR RENT
The Kremlin. Nice décor, colourful spires, one Duma.
Grad Belgolovich at The Kremlin, Russia
FOR SALE
Rigging for three-masted galleon, one twelve year old boy to crawl in it, and three pegs for securing.
Larry Meddleby
5659009238432405968
POSITION AVAILABLE
Pilot needed for human kite project. Probably fatal. Bob at Box 34.
Fifty Things Thomas Edison Never Even Tried to Invent
- chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
- apologetic electric chairs
- powdered bridges
- the sideways train
- hover horses
- self-eating reuben sandwiches
- steam-powered windmills
- a board game based on the American Civil War
- the electric alphabet
- waterproof milkshakes
- double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
- odometers for hamster wheels
- raspberry flavoured dental dams
- robot crows
- mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
- pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
- Bruce Vilanch detector
- A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
- sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
- a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
- realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
- wind-resistant chinstraps
- The Moron Slapper
- 120 proof corn liquor
- salmon-flavoured canals
- fire
- pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
- electric orgasm monitors
- a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
- the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
- bicycle windshields
- creature detectors
- the testicle-shaving cup
- chicken caesar salad lasagne
- static electric false moustache
- a well-designed light switch with iconography
- coati suppressing foam
- the mechanical spider buddy
- The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
- Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
- an ash tray exhaust fan
- the low-loam diet for worms
- a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
- the communications satellite
- spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
- creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
- a Chinese finger trap remover
- Ecomagination
- magnetic teeth implants
- the electric mop
A Cure at Last
Ask Montezuma: Springtober 2006
Montezuma was the ruler of the Aztecs at
the time of the Spanish invasion. His latest mystery
novel Tyndale and the Jade Scorpion has
been made into a film staring Michael Dunaway and
Lucy Flasch. He is not mentioned in the
Book of Numbers.
Dear Montezuma,
When talking to camels, I find it best not to use the pluperfect, even though they use the tense heavily in their language. Which is better: collard greens, mustard greens, or turnip greens?
Silas Marner
New Scotland, Nova Scotia
Silas, I have examined records back to the Sixteenth Century extolling the virtues of one or another greens. Upon scientific analysis I have found that all three greens taste exactly the same. Greens all contain essentially the exact same building blocks and it’s mostly the pork that provides the taste.
Hey Montezuma,
Recently I applied for a job I really wanted through one of those online applications. It showed my status as “in process” for over a month. Finally I wrote to the person who would nominally be my boss and they told me the job had already been filled. Why are computers such liars?
Joseph Rose
Astoria, NY
Hey Joe, computers are liars, though no one knows why. Humanity often places more than one hundred percent trust in these machines, for scientifically unexplained reasons. Day after day computers lie to us; from our bank balances to whether we are attractive to the latest popular internet video. Computers should never be trusted. Pursue long-division on a pad of paper.
Dear Ask Montezuma,
Why can’t cleaning the inside of a window also clean the outside of a window?
Roger Penrose
Moravia, UK
RP, mostly it’s a result of not using the spray bottle on the outside, but God also created windows so that they were impossible to clean properly. You may consider hiring a manservant.
