50 Ways to Better-Market Cereal

1. Include a coupon for 50% off next gallon of milk.
2. Corner the Mediterranean demographic by including dried chunks of goat marrow in the recipe.
3. Encase cereal in bio-engineered melon. Sell with “bowl included.”
4. Include sugar-water packet with pin set to prick on a timer counting down three months inside box with light-sensitive exterior which changes over time so that the expired product can then be sold as an alcoholic beverage called “Liquor Charms.”
5. Continue the practice of not combining the thought of cereal with the thought of menstruation.
6. Free glow-in-the-dark combination cock-ring/secret decoder ring in every box.
7. Fill package with CO2 for that fun “dizziness” effect.
8. Package the cereal in a container which by its very nature not only prevents resealing, but encourages the spilling of valuable cereal product all over the floor.
9. “Not Manufactured in Newfoundland & Labrador” stamped on each box.
10. “Authentic $20 Bill Included!”
11. Put nude women on the box.
12. “Free laser with purchase.”
13. “Now without phlegm.”
14. Include a ticket for free robot sex.
15. Small RFID transmitters which broadcast the amount of cereal in the box wirelessly to your home computer via RSS feed.
16. Ads which proclaim “Eating this cereal is comparable to anal sex.”
17. Embark on a global campaign for Asian Bjrnto, the cereal with prawns.
18. Tell people they can only eat your cereal if they are awesome.
19. Don’t create commercials that are black and white homage to film noir and late Sixties French cinema.
20. Label your cereal as “Inspired by the television series Firefly.”
21. Create cereal boxes that double as rape whistles.
22. Point out how much less fiber your cereal contains. You don’t want to be on the toilet all day because of some Crusty Crunchy Roos.
23. Include a touch-sensitive keypad on the back so consumers can take notes during breakfast.
24. Have your cereal endorsed by The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe.
25. Take Cancer-Os™ off the shelf once and for all.
26. Replace deadly razor blade chips with colourful marshmallows.
27. Put chapters from Great Expectations on each box, so you have something to read at breakfast besides boring nutritional information.
28. Endorsements from RadioShack CEO Julian Day.
29. Create new promotion “Buy twelve boxes and we won’t kill your mother.”
30. Replace the standard six sided rectangle box with an eye pleasing dodecahedron.
31. Mention, via advertising, that the cereal meets the rhyming description of “nutritious and delicious.”
32. Print Bible verses on the box.
33. State on the record that the rival, store-brand knock-off cereal supports communism.
34. Increase the levels of highly addictive nicotine in your corn puffs, flakes or whatnot.
35. Announce that you will reduce prices by 3%, then wow the public by actually reducing prices by an astonishing 3.0125%.
36. Get the stamp of approval from the Union of Ultra-Reformed Rabbis.
37. Tell children that if they don’t eat your cereal their parents will stop loving them and sell them to Gypsies. Particularly cruel Gypsies.
38. Make it fully compatible with the CerealCaddy5000™.
39. Use science to create an alternate universe where your cereal is more valuable than gold.
40. Make the average breakfast cereal thirty percent more flammable.
41. Have an octopus in every box who can dispense the cereal without the need for complicated pouring.
42. Attach a plug to the box for some reason.
43. Get all four members of KISS to put blood in each batch.
44. Convince retail merchants to give you an end cap display.
45. Replace the traditional toy prize with a coupon good for one free informative lecture from Richard Dawkins.
46. Create Latin packaging to corner the ecclesiastical market.
47. Put a cartoon dinosaur on the packaging. Hey, it can’t hurt, right?
48. Tell women that eating puffed corn will somehow reduce the pain and discomfort of the menses.
49. Put nanites in every box that, once consumed, travel to the consumer’s brain and take over higher functions, turning the person into a cereal buying robot.
50. Stop advertising the cereal as “the Nazi way to start your day.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>