Ask Montezuma: Springtober 2006

Montezuma II
Montezuma was the ruler of the Aztecs at
the time of the Spanish invasion. His latest mystery
novel Tyndale and the Jade Scorpion has
been made into a film staring Michael Dunaway and
Lucy Flasch. He is not mentioned in the
Book of Numbers.

Dear Montezuma,
When talking to camels, I find it best not to use the pluperfect, even though they use the tense heavily in their language. Which is better: collard greens, mustard greens, or turnip greens?
Silas Marner
New Scotland, Nova Scotia

Silas, I have examined records back to the Sixteenth Century extolling the virtues of one or another greens. Upon scientific analysis I have found that all three greens taste exactly the same. Greens all contain essentially the exact same building blocks and it’s mostly the pork that provides the taste.

Hey Montezuma,
Recently I applied for a job I really wanted through one of those online applications. It showed my status as “in process” for over a month. Finally I wrote to the person who would nominally be my boss and they told me the job had already been filled. Why are computers such liars?
Joseph Rose
Astoria, NY

Hey Joe, computers are liars, though no one knows why. Humanity often places more than one hundred percent trust in these machines, for scientifically unexplained reasons. Day after day computers lie to us; from our bank balances to whether we are attractive to the latest popular internet video. Computers should never be trusted. Pursue long-division on a pad of paper.

Dear Ask Montezuma,
Why can’t cleaning the inside of a window also clean the outside of a window?
Roger Penrose
Moravia, UK

RP, mostly it’s a result of not using the spray bottle on the outside, but God also created windows so that they were impossible to clean properly. You may consider hiring a manservant.


Continue reading

Katie Stalin in Creepsville


Doomed from the Get Go: Creepsville’s favorite musical combo “The Midnight Creeps” performing at Maryland Fried Chicken House on Maynard Street.

Creepsville, USA – My friend Jonas told me Creepsville is best known for some all-ages punk band called The Midnight Creeps. Well, I’ve never heard of the place or the band, but the idea of visiting America’s only city-state was pretty cool, like being able to take a trip back in time to Greece, but without all the olive oil.

Boy was I surprised when I got here. One of Creepsville’s most important products is olive oil and the town is surrounded by olive groves. It’s the only place in the world where you can get “extremely super virgin olive oil,” which is pressed before the olives are even ripe; sometimes, before they’re even planted. There are two lovely, ivy-covered olive pressing factories in the city center, shared by all the olive growers. I like it when people share.

It’s probably not true that you can eat off of the streets, but they’re really clean. Tom Jorgensen, David Abernathy, and Astrid Santana are the street cleaners and all of them were hospitable when I stopped by the street cleaner depot on my first day in town. Yeah, I had to ask like fifteen times, but eventually they showed me the mopitorium where they keep the mops. Each mop has a special claspy thing on the wall and there’s a mop check-out log where you can sign your name to check out a mop. That Astrid was pretty cute, but she’s married.

Mayor Joanna Cyclone took me on a tour of city hall. The nation’s most pristine aquifer is located immediately below Creepsville, so they’ve got a lot of public fountains. City hall has fifteen! Made it real easy for Mayor Cyclone and me to have a whiskey and a splash at the end of the day. I ended up staying with City Planner Jones. That’s actually his name. He loves his job so much he had a justice of the peace legally change his first name to City Planner. Mr. Jones showed me some plans for the updating of the sub-divisions on the east side of town. Maple Road is totally gonna be rezoned light commercial. His designs for the Creep County Historical Museum were par excellence (I picked that up in Paris).

Doug Tadpole, the chairman of the Creepsville Chamber of Commerce, showed me some of the plans for expanding their culinary offerings. I was so happy to see that they were going to open a franchise of Nacho Mamma’s and probably will put it in my guide.

What can I say? Creepsville’s awesome. There aren’t any hotels, but the locals are so friendly you can ask anyone for a place to crash for the night. Lots of trees, three parks, excellent public transportation, friendly people and their only crime is the occasional theft of a pink plastic flamingo from someone’s lawn by local teenagers (those scamps). If you like nachos or fountains, you should definitely come for a visit.

Katie Stalin recently appeared as Rosalinde in the Willinois Farmyard Players production of Die Fledermaus. She is currently working on a restaurant guide for nacho enthusiasts.