How America Can Win the War

In the wake of the disastrous defeats at Patagonia and Surinam, America and its Allies have been on the defensive, unable to amass forces for a major counter-attack. They have been forced into a pin-prick strategy of minor raids against the Bad Guys’ ever-expanding front.

Though Armstrong stated in his weekly speech at the Capital Pie Tasting Competition that he remains optimistic, members of the voting public are beginning to grow war weary. “Surrender is not an option, defeat is not an option, withdrawal is not an option and retreat is not an option,” stated Armstrong between over-generous portions of key lime and banana cream pies. Wiping his robust whiskers of debris, Armstrong continued his list of non-options well into the night until aides finally led him into a waiting pickup truck which featured a hemi.

Though it is now clear what our options are not, we must still endeavor to determine what our options are. For this purpose we gathered a group of leading think-tank members, think-tank enthusiasts and several fish-tank salesman who misread the flyers and showed up anyway. They have outlined five options America has; five options to lead us back onto the road toward victory.

Streamlining the Fighting Force
It may be best for America to focus its resources on its effective fighting machines and forces, rather than relying on what Sun Tzu would refer to as a “Smorgasbord Defense.” While Balloon Brigades and Puppet Patrols may score morale points on the home front, they are not as effective as our stealth fighters, mobile infantry divisions, missile ships or armored helicopters. There simply is no place in modern warfare for synchronized biplanes, tactical violin squads, bear-mounted cavalry or vibrantly painted ironclads.

Gain New Allies
While the Canadian Confederation and the Neoaustrohungarians are behind us all the way, it would be prudent for America to expand its Ally Base so as to bring more guns to bear against the Bad Guys. Sinonipponesia’s offer to enter the war in exchange for two million dollars and the State of Vermont may be worth considering at this point. Especially since Vermont’s overwhelming Asian population (93.6 %) has been rather vocal in its support of this deal.

Better Commanders
General Alexander “Lucky T-Bone” Halstead is a popular war hero, but his tactic of wild suicidal frontal attack is not the best plan in every situation. While it did gain us victory at the Battle of Cyprus, in every other situation the suicidal frontal assault has resulted in high casualties and ignoble defeat. Halstead’s only other tactic, the so-called Naked Spin Assault, is not really an assault per se. Simply having the troops strip naked and spin around until they collapse from dizziness or laughter has not been shown to be an effective infantry tactic.

War Time Rationing
Peace is our goal, but peas are the means. Regular green peas and so called “fancy peas,” including those loose or in pods, may grow increasingly scarce as the war continues. By limiting pea consumption and hoarding by civilians, we can keep our peas at the front where they’re needed.

Making Sure the Tank is Clean
Keeping algae and bacteria populations down requires vigilant cleaning. A proper filter can also help, both with cleanliness and with oxygenation of the water in the tank. A well cared for tank will not only look better, but will help your fish be happier, healthier and more vibrant.