Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof
Dear Axes and Alleys,
Why do so many of your magazines contain articles on dairy and meat in the same issue? I’d love to read your fine publication, but so many of your issues are utterly treif. Why not put out a special milchik issue? Far too often your magazine is just written by a bunch of useless momzers and paskudniaks. Try to be more poretz in the future and remember the six thirteen.
Stan Stevenson
Baltimore, Rhode Island.
To the Publishers of Axes & Alleys Magazine:
Have you ever read about John the Baptist? He’s a character in the Bible. In would be neat to see an article about John the Baptist in your magazine. Too bad he lived long before there were real tractors. It would be fun to see John the Baptist on a tractor. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?
Selma Barron
Selma, Alabamania.
To the Editors, Axes & Alleys:
I am unhappy with you recent spate of cover girls. In fact, I am unhappy with all of them. Not a one weighs over 120 pounds. You are fascistically ignoring the zaftig set by placing such icons as Manda Marble, Brody Dalle, Rachel “Lee” Cook, and Emma Caulfield on you cover. Why can we not have a Catherine Manheim, Veronica of Veronica’s Closet and Cheers or Roseanne on the cover? This reader thinks the editors of Axes & Alleys are sexist. That the editor-in-chief is a svelte woman of more traditionally sexy proportions and the fashion staff is gay leads me to believe that the magazine has no interest in the travails of the heftier set. How could they? Neither set of persons in charge has any wish to copulate with women and so cannot understand the area from which they are coming. A&A is deplorable in its representation of the vaginal set and I for one will attempt to stop purchasing it. I may read it in local libraries, borrow it from friends or pull a dirty copy from the street gutter, but I will no longer purchase a copy of the magazine.
Yours truly,
Michelle Gorbachev
Moscow, Idaho
Dear Editors,
Why is it that noted author and scientist Jared Diamond demeaned himself so much by playing the insanely stupid character Screech on the syndicated teen sitcom Saved by the Bell? Surely this Pulitzer Prize winner, who also won the Tyler Prize for Environmental Achievement, would have better things to do with his time than run around Bayside High having lame adventures and going to dances and school functions at “The Max” because they couldn’t afford any other sets. What’s up with that? Why can’t Jared Diamond just focus more on his writing and love of New Guinea and less on being Zack’s sidekick?
Samuel Adler
Wanton, Missouri.
Dear Axes & Alleys People,
I was wondering if you could recommend a good nutcracker. Even though peanuts are legumes, I think I could still use a nutcracker to crack them open for the sake of eating. Please do not laugh at my name. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Stop laughing you God damned idiots. I hate you all so much. There is nothing funny about my name. For Christ’s sake. I hate you.
Caroline D. Penis
Thataturk, Vermont
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I looked through my library and checked around town. No one seems to have seen a copy of Axes & Alleys Volume 456-BR7 Issue 03, May 2004. What’s up with that?
Charles Hammer
Aquitaine, EU